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Togetherness in vulnerability

In times of vulnerability please stick together. These are times when you are going undefined problems and darkness seems to loom more than light. These are times when hope is shattered and future looks bleak, with pockets of discouragements, fears within and without. It is usually a very chilly moment of one’s life. Each of us in life passes through those times when you are low discouraged or feeling delayed. Sometimes you feel lonely and although God is a close friend there are times you also need a human companion. Adam needed one and Eve had to be created.

For those who are not married there are many options that one can try in case life has headed that direction. One could contact his/her Mum, dad, brothers, sisters or a close relative. If not secure or services are not available within the bloodline then the need to have a friend you can trust in such times of vulnerability.

For those of us who have tied the knot, the line of intimacy follows a different path since you have a life partner and it is expected that the first confidant be your spouse. If your spouse is not your first confidant then there is a problem and this is a major problem that needs sorting out.  A spouse is the person of opposite sex whom you have declared that you love more than all others. This put in other words should state, “The only person you freely interact with without fear or boundaries”, a person you can trust with secrets and goods, a friend you can give all respect, and a person you can partner with in plans of this life. This is the person that you share life with and therefore you can share responsibilities.

This means that a spouse is an important person, second to none inhuman terms. It is important to seek to understand what make him or her tick or burst if you are to live in harmony. In life there are those moments when our emotional strength is week and all we need is someone who understands us. This person funs us up with an emotional charisma and our happiness and hope is restored. If a spouse fails to understand the emotional chemistry in the other one there is a likelihood of introducing showers of nagging which can negatively impact the person except for divine intervention.

It therefore calls for understanding if one is walking through a time of life’s vulnerability. Think about Abraham, the father of faith upon who the promise of being a father of nations rested. He must have waited with patience for each of the year that passed and his wife did not bring forth a son. Unfortunately it appears that Sarah’s patience had disappeared especially after many years in a post menopause life. She removed herself from the equation of being a mother of nations and was getting worried that Abraham might become sterile before seeding.

She suggested to Abraham to go to the house girl and give birth with her so that what God had said would come to pass. Abraham who had waited without wavering for many years could not resist this force; it was his time of vulnerability. I believe that he too was feeling delayed by God otherwise he would have resisted the offer. I wish that Sarah did not act at this time of her vulnerability when she was feeling low for the missed opportunity. Her move brought Ishmael into the world who would later become a force to reckon with to date. In times of vulnerability do not be quick to talk, do not be quick to act, but be quick to look up to the Lord for he who promised is faithful.

Job was a wealthy man of the East and was a friend of God. Satan attested to this when he went before God. He was permitted to touch Job’s outer glory but not his life. When Job’s friends could not understand why he suffered that much, they concluded that he was a sinner and that God was teaching him a lesson. They did not think that good people can face bad things from time to time. Job had confidence in God and confessed positive despite suffering, he never credited God with wrong doing and was convinced that he would see him upon death. He refused to be vulnerable! Job’s wife could not handle this drastic economic melt down and family calamities. It was too much for her to handle. She was vulnerable!

 In her vulnerability she became too sympathetic to Job and I think she felt embarrassed for the sudden decline. She had quickly backslidden and also wanted Job to backslide. Never implore your spouse to join in the sin that you have committed. The scripture puts it like this, “His wife said to him, "Are you still holding on to your integrity? Curse God and die!" Job 2;9 There are times when vulnerability tests your integrity and these times you better be strong. It would be easier if your spouse supports you in such moments but even if he/she does not, be strong and keep your integrity. Finally it paid off and Job’s health was restored and whatever he had lost came back in double measure. In times of vulnerability do not be quick to talk, or take action against those causing you misery. Rather look up unto the Lord for in due time He who is just will certainly not ignore to reward your patience and efforts.

Rachel was more loved by Jacob than Leah but was barren. She became envious of Leah because she had given Jacob some children. She came to Jacob and told him, “Give me a child or else I’ll die” Jacob was not scared by her inflammatory threats because he knew who gives children. He was not amused by her demand and had this to say to her: And Jacob’s anger was aroused against Rachel, and he said, “Am I in the place of God, who has withheld from you the fruit of the womb?” It is only God who can open a closed up womb. Lack of a child within a marriage can be difficult and requires that the couple be there for one another without shifting blames. If we can look unto him he is faith and impartial and the same way he did for Sarah, Rebecca, and Rachel he can still do it today, in Jesus name.

Rachel became vulnerable out of envy that she developed for her sister who was productive. She pushed Jacob into the error of convenience just like Sarah had done to Abraham. This was a starting point of heightened rate of births from maids. “So she said, “Here is my maid Bilhah; go in to her, and she will bear a child on my knees, that I also may have children by her.”  Then she gave him Bilhah her maid as wife, and Jacob went in to her. And Bilhah conceived and bore Jacob a son. 6 Then Rachel said, “God has judged my case; and He has also heard my voice and given me a son.” Therefore she called his name Dan. And Rachel’s maid Bilhah conceived again and bore Jacob a second son. Then Rachel said, “With great wrestlings I have wrestled with my sister, and indeed I have prevailed.” So she called his name Naphtali.” (Genesis 30: 2-8) Further reading from the scripture will show you that Leah also gave her maid Zilpah to her husband. A spontaneous reaction of child births that stemmed out of being unable to bear with some form of vulnerability. 

In conclusion:

There is a tendency to be influenced negatively by the force causing vulnerability. As Christians we have been give the spirit of Power and of sound mind such that we can go past the limitations set by our circumstances. Secondly as a couple we are called to develop companionship. Remember even Eve was tempted and defeated by the Satan for lack of companionship at the hour of vulnerability. When you are going through stuff it is not the time to loose your man or woman. It is far better to go through it together. In marriage we vow, that we shall be together through all changes of life, for better for worse. If couples can learn to honour these declarations then they will never stay aloof with a pointing finger on their loved one who is going through torrential times.

In times of vulnerability there is tendency to make wrong moves or decisions. Elijah was threatened by Jezebel and he ran away only to sleep under a tree and desire to die. This is very common when you reach your end, you feel it is safer beyond the grave though it is not always within the plan of God. There might be some areas that still need improving and nobody else will do it safe you. Vulnerability brings fear and one tends to see more failure than success. A wife/husband is called for such a time as this where you become the silver lining in the midst of darkness.

I pray that none of us will be far from our spouses when they are down. If you had run away from your spouse because of what they were going trough please go back with the full pack. Emotionally show support, physically be involved! This is your spouse and is by far better and productive without the sting of vulnerability. Support your spouse at home do not let her do all the house jobs after work and still need her in bed and vice versa.

If your spouse is sick step in and demonstrate your love. If he has lost a job do not mistreat him rather support him and build his ego. If she is pregnant do not avoid her rather be near her and support her nurture your seed. If he has failed in one way or another give him/her the assurance that failure is just an event not an end to life. Never hit him when he is down may your hands be stretched to help raise him up and vice versa. Jesus went through vulnerable time at the cross and he cried, ““Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani?” My God, my God why have you forsaken me?

May there not be a husband or wife crying my darling my darling why have you forsaken me?

Rev Wangaruro

Family rebuild

In pursuit of stable families and marriages

Importance of a good foundation

Foundation is the underground work that is done before any project becomes visible and likeable. It is not as interesting to lay a foundation as it is to raise the super structure. Most people are complement seekers and like to be involved with what are visible; unfortunately foundation is not a very visible structure. Think about those who fought for independence to liberate the colonised nations from their masters. They might be dead today but there is sovereignty stands within those nations.

I would never feel ashamed to reiterate again that there is nothing as important as the foundation in any building. The stability of a structure depends on the foundation laid. How high a build will go is not dependent on modern materials but on the foundations that has been laid. Does it not bother you to hear that some buildings fall down without withstanding any single challenge like rainfall leave alone a earth tremor? Does not bother you also why some buildings will survive an earthquake or even a bomb blast?  In 1998 the cooperative house in Nairobi was in the neighbour of the American embassy. Thought there were many human casualties the bellbottom hose stood against the tide. Is it that the tremor was not strong? No! The truth is that the foundation was strong.

Life like a building requires a substantial foundation if we are to achieve high goals and arrive at our desired destinies. Life has many blasts, tremors and hails that require to be counter attacked by good preparation. It is this preparation to face life with boldly and productively that we call foundation. Allow me to share about three area where foundation must be given the respect it deserves. Please note that in this regard no amount of ridicule will replace the need for a good foundation.

1)    Education.

It is important to lay a stable foundation on education today. You might have seen one or two renowned fellows who had minimal education yet they have excelled. Good for them but they might have had another foundation in a different area. The percentage of illiterate millionaires must be very small and the probability of you being one of them is quite small. Foundation is laid early in life before the building start. If you need to rise high the ladder in your field of expertise then it might be relevant to get yourself updated in your area of profession. Lay a foundation for yourself that is sufficient to hold or support any form of structure that you may desire to erect. You are by far better with a diploma than with a certificate, with a degree than with a diploma with masters than with bachelors and so on. There is a height you cannot go if you are limited by the foundation. An educated wife is by far superior to uneducated one in many aspects though that alone does not constitute to compatibilities.

I) When is the last time you read a book to hear what others have said in certain fields of your interest?

II) When is the last time you did a short course to keep you updated?

III) Are satisfied with your level of education? Is there a level in your profession that you have not attained? Have you written yourself down as an academic dwarf and given others a leeway to ascend the ladder.

 IV) Do you encourage your children to study or do you leave it for the teachers?

 V) When is the last time more money on books for your children than you did on their games, shoes, clothes, cinemas or chips?

Parenting

It is important to lay a strong foundation when bringing up your children. The things that you as a parent implant in your children go along way to support the child even when you will have left this world. Research shows that participating in the education of your child at age 7 will have a positive effect on his continuous development at age 20. A good foundation is the one that will give your child confidence to live with others, maturity to respect others, ambition to go for the best and strength to dare without being endangered. We are in the era of rights a very unnecessary evil that has shot up in our days. Rights are protective and might shield your child from being daring. The best way to give a child bright future is not to put him in a safe zone away from the pool but to give him skills that will save him from drowning. Know what you should allow to get to your child if at all you value him. If you always leave your child on TV to watch any program, has full access to the internet, has all types of games then you are building a wall without a foundation. Building a foundation is not the sweetest thing to do but it is the best thing to do for any structure that you desire to erect. It is better to prepare your child to become a champion when he will be on his own as opposed to being a champion today while wearing your masks. Laying a foundation requires commitment and energy. It requires plan and discipline since you are dealing with life issues.  

1.     Therefore how well can your child integrate with others without offending them or being able to bear an offence?

2.     How responsible is your child to be entrusted with another person’s business or office?

3. How solid is your child in terms of morals so as not to be swayed by every strange relationship that will be deemed acceptable even when it does not have basis?

Do not assume that your child is young because if you do not lay the foundation now tomorrow might be too late. You lay a foundation with your eyes on the perceived height that you desire your child to go. You cannot build a thirty storey tower on a ten storey foundation.

2)    Marriage

Marriage relationships are delicate issues that should never be taken lightly or without considerations. It involves two people who are different gender wise, intellectual wise, family background and many other areas touching their experiences. Many marriage relationships have no foundation at all apart from what each had seen from their parents, neighbours or friends. Such cannot build a lasting family relationship.

It is therefore of great importance to look thirty years after marriage and define what kind of a family that you desire to be it. Then get yourself prepared for it. Foundation is like creating a structure and then with time you go filling in the already prepared structure. Every good marriage that you see out there is laid above a solid foundation. This means that the couple have taken time to improve their communication skills. All of us are crude before training. It is training that refines us. They have taken time to internalise the need for giving respect a quality that only move on a two way system road. It is for this reason that other servants of the Lord take time to write readable materials.

Think about the foundation that you should lay in any of the following areas:

I) Do you value your husband as the head of the family? Whether he is rich or poor, educated or not as long as he is the husband (male) he deserves respect. He is like a cover or shield. If you poke an umbrella then you will be rained on. When you respect you will get back respect. This is a principle and does not take any short cut.

II) Do you love your wife so much that your deed speaks about it? Your wife needs this assurance and if it does not manifest then there may be kick backs. Have you trained yourself to love your wife? Love for your wife is project that terminates in death, and therefore you must equip yourself with all that will demonstrate your love to her. When you love you get back love. This is a principle and does not take any short cut

In my effort to empower families in laying a strong foundation we have some  materials that are life changing and if you have not got yourself a copy please do so.

Available titles

ü Understanding British system of Education

ü Embracing responsible relationships and sexual purity

ü 7 pillars of a successful marriage

ü Embracing changing

Rev. Wangaruro

Family rebuild

In support of stable and lasting family relationships.

Respect In a relationship

Most of us have grown with the colonial mentality of what respect is. Anyway how did we first learn about respect and what do we really know about it? The oxford dictionary defines respect as to “regard with difference or esteem” This means that you do not treat the person who you respect as a common or ordinary. A spouse is a person who is your equal and offers companionship to you. Your spouse is therefore a team mate and the success of your union depends on treating each other with esteem.

There are earmarks that show whether respect is present in a union. These are not abstract concepts but every spouse will quickly discern if an element of disrespect manifests.  An Important thing you need to keep in mind is that respect is a two way gesture. Lie love if you give respect you will get it back. If a woman is not respected she feels equally offended just like a man feels. Therefore be selfless and give respect.  Look at the following three earmarks:

1) If there is no appreciation for each other in a relationship then it is hard to claim the existence of respect. People like to be appreciated when they achieve a life’s benchmark. Sometimes a spouse will have spent time, energy and devotion and appreciating their effort works as a big motivation. When is the last time that you appreciated your spouse? Since your spouse is human, it is good to be rich in appreciation for compatibility.

2) If there is no politeness in your relationship then there is likelihood of existence of rudeness. In every loving relationship politeness is a measure of respect and consideration that you give to each other. It is true that none of us like to be spoken to with rude remarks or tones. It is good to seek to attain a status in marriage where each of you handles the other without being rude. Rudeness can be demonstrated through foul language, swearing on each other, lack of courtesy, and also being bad mannered. Very few spouses enjoy an environment where impoliteness is nurtured by the other one.

3) If you do not treat your spouse with consideration then you might be shipwrecking your relationship and your marriage might experience sourness. Being considerate may mean that you are selfless in your deals and that you give your marriage a top priority. It is a situation where you   are thoughtful of your spouse. This means you do not demand more from your spouse can deliver. Are you really thoughtful of your spouse? Have you expected or demanded from them things not easily achievable?

It is true that whatever happens to your spouse is your business and your concern unless you are a selfish spouse. If it does not bother you then there is a big problem because this does not reflect your respectfulness. I urge you that you make it a personal project to ensure that respect is a virtue in your marriage. If you have a problem respecting your spouse then it may mean your love has leaked and you might be required to refill it to the first love. A spouse is an important person in your life; you cannot afford to live with him/her without respect being a strong pillar.

Please remember to pray for family rebuild.

We seek to launch in Kenya this year and also to revive the Family rebuild TV

Note that 8th Oct is an important date for family rebuild as we shall be raising funds for the charity projects. Let us know how you can participate.

Pastor Wangaruro

In support of stable families and marriages.

 Social evils that God hates -Domestic violence

Has not the one God made you? You belong to him in body and spirit. And what does the one God seek? Godly offspring.[a] So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful to the wife of your youth.  “The man who hates and divorces his wife,” says the LORD, the God of Israel, “does violence to the one he should protect,”[b] says the LORD Almighty. So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful.  Malachi 2;15-16

These are sentiments that God has given to the humanity so as to warn them against embracing ungodly culture. In many cultures and traditions violent and militant approach has been used within marriage mostly against women. Though in the modern times there are many men who have been violently handled by their wives. Such actions against a spouse do not demonstrate love which is a major pillar in marriage. God blessed marriage from the beginning and desired that a man cleave to his wife, a thing which cannot happen where there is violence. Violence never unites people if anything it scatters them.

It is not a thing to be embraced for one spouse to usurp the disciplinarian of the other for minor reconcilable difference which either is prone to. It is true that both spouses are prone to make mistakes in marriage though women are blamed more for any failure. This culture which does not allow one to own up a mistake or that shifts blame to the other is a sign of immaturity. There are grave mistakes and sins that have been committed by men but because of the chauvinistic attitude that men have assumed, they are unbeaten. I am not of the opinion that men be beaten by their wives neither do we supporting men beating their wives.

It therefore calls for understanding and tolerance. Domestic violence sometimes id provoked by unrealistic demands upon a spouse. Is t not true that we all human and none of us is an angel or near perfection. The best spouse that has ever existed whom I do not know is or was human and never perfect at all. The survival of marriage is based on tolerance, patience and understanding as opposed to one being perfect

Domestic violence is a primitive way of resolving a conflict because it wounds the esteem of the beaten. It is intimidating in nature and has no remedial value in a relationship. It instils fears and might lower self esteem of your spouse thus reducing his/her productivity. We have had people who instilled fear on their subjects such as Sadam and Iddi-Amini and their dictatorial qualities left little to be desired. Their end was not good though they thought of themselves as champion and statesmen. Their spirit should never be allowed to take rule in your family.

I believe every man who results to violence demonstrates his failure in leadership and as a head. It is the responsibility of a man to give leadership to his wife and children. This leadership style should be interactive because the wife is human who has brain, emotions, needs, ideas, visions and ambitions. Men whose preposition does not value their wives beyond giving birth demonstrate a great level of ignorance and folly and normally invite disaster and failure to themselves.  Note that if you open a door to failure, it is not success that will come in. In the same way if you open for the devil do not expect the angel to come in.

Laban, a man from Paddam Aram the father in law of Jacob gave conditions to Jacob regarding the way he would treat his daughters that he had married. The following was the vow that they both took and raised a pillar of witness before they parted.

 Laban said, “This heap is a witness between you and me today.” That is why it was called Galeed. It was also called Mizpah, because he said, “May the LORD keep watch between you and me when we are away from each other. If you mistreat my daughters or if you take any wives besides my daughters, even though no one is with us, remember that God is a witness between you and me.” Genesis 31: 48-50

God is a witness of every happening in a marriage relationship and is also a just judge. He knows the one on the wrong even when you shift blames on the one deemed weaker. I pray that couples raise such a pillar of love and commitment in their marriage and agree on acceptable handling procedures. Remember violence does not bring your spouse closer but inflicts a wound in the heart that may remain till the union shall last. Laban and Jacob raised a pillar and acknowledged that God was their witness.  The same God has not changed, he witnesses every form of violence and is grieved when you disrespects your marriage partner and betray your marriage vows.

Make resolve today that you will be sorry for every form of violence that you have downloaded upon your spouse through verbal avalanche, physical oppression, emotional torture or even sexual misdemeanour. Let your gentleness be known and experienced by your spouse. There is something good you saw in him/her when you married each other. Probably if you would go back to your first love where there was tenderness and understanding then violence might as well disappear.

Let me conclude with this statement; “Be real and start living a real life - Be real and treat each other like real people”  

Pastor Wangaruro

In support of stable family relationships

Pray for your family and pray for family rebuild.

Lesson from the Sparrows

Many a times we imagine the best place that we can create for our children whom we dearly cherish. We have best thoughts for their academic achievement and best estates where they can life the comfy lifestyles. While all this intellectual and physical suitability are important to achieve there yet remain occupation of a place that gives safety and hope for humanity. The psalmist has used a sparrow and a swallow to speak about this place and I believe we can borrow a leaf from this wisdom.

“Even the sparrow finds a home, and the swallow a nest for herself,   where she may lay her young, at your altars, O LORD of hosts, my King and my God.” Psalms 84:3.

A Sparrow is a small bird, indeed very insignificant but as it were she is full of brains if not wisdom. The frequency in which she is used as a character in the bible reveals her uniqueness and sets her as a model for us to learn from. Jesus, the great teacher of all times did not go without mentioning this bird.

“Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? And not one of them is forgotten before God. 7Why, even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not; you are of more value than many sparrows.” Luke 12: 6-7.

It is said that one penny bought two sparrows and therefore two pennies would buy four sparrows. I hope we are familiar with this primary maths. The business people who desired to excel in attracting customers would give one sparrow for free if a customer bout four sparrows. Wow! Haven’t the stores borrowed the principle of “buy one get one free” from these old merchants? The fifth sparrow therefore has no monitory value to the buyer. Jesus used her when teaching his followers not to be fearful of those who can only kill the body and nothing beyond. He showed them how God cared for every sparrow without forgetting any of them, meaning that to him there is no valueless sparrow; With God there is no fifth sparrow.

Getting back to our first quote from Psalms, The sparrow has found a home where she has made a nest for herself. Let us call this a sparrow’s dwelling place. She has found a place to lay her young ones. Every loving mother wishes her children well and seeks to provide a safe dwelling place to them. The sparrow refused to build the nest upon the trees like many other birds or the branches. She understood the tree would only offer temporary comfort and that the branches could break or be cut by the enemy of the environment affairs anytime. What a revelation! The sparrow knew that the altar of our God is a secure place where the enemies have no access to threaten those who seek refuge in it.

Friends, we are living in dangerous times and only the myopic may deny of the dangers facing our children posed by the environment and technology. The negative influence from media is a strong avalanche and that from peers is a Tsunamic in nature. Every day we hear of under age children dying due to intoxication of hard drug; alcoholism has jeopardised the potential of many talented youngsters. We may not end the list of the negatives but how awful we all feel when teenage pregnancies continues to rise and if it decrease it is only because of abortion or contraceptives.

It is for this reason that seeking a dwelling place in the house of God is the best choice for any loving parent. Those who seek to take their children elsewhere will harvest some bitter fruits as mentioned above. Creating a habitation in the house of the Lord is a project that every parent should start from when their children are young. If the child is able to watch TV then the same is teachable of godly lifestyles. Those parents who care go out of their way to protect their children from secular or worldly teachings that media outlets sends out as arrows that have been poison tipped from hell. Let your children have a shield before he/she loses her innocence. The fear of God and making a dwelling place in the house of God offers the best protection for us and for our children.

The psalmist was great worshipper and never lacked soul searching statements a kind that our generation need to come in term with. In the following Psalm he underlines the benefit of spending time in the dwelling place of God. His worship expression clearly indicates that there is no other favourable place for one to be than in the courts of our God. “For a day in your courts is better than a thousand elsewhere. I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of wickedness.” Psalms 84:10.

Are there times that we have let our children stroll away from us by the way we are unconcerned about them? Have we become too busy in our jobs to invest precious time in our children? Is it not true that the minds of our children are ready plots which the enemy targets with his seeds? We have a responsibility which we cannot easily ignore if we love our children. The world has a great affinity for idle minds and is salivating to occupy any unsecured hearts or minds. It is unfortunate that many parents are maturing their children early than they are supposed to through allowed exposure to internet, Television, fashions and excess freedom. This also has been worsened by liberal approach to spirituality by the parents which they have impacted upon their children. If your children have never seen you pray, read the scripture or go to church then expecting them to do it is too much of a demand. Parents we have a responsibility! If sparrows have failed the other alternatives and chosen to settle at the altar let s not stop before we have connected and rooted our children in the house of our father.

For more details www.familyrebuild.org

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http://familyrebuild.org/blog/

Pastor Wangaruro

Family rebuild

In support of responsible marriage and family relationship.

Self Expression in Marriage - Part of Communication

Communication is the way people pass ideas or information to each other. It may be in form of verbal or no verbal spoken expressions. It is a very important pillar in and if ignored it can bring sharp disagreements and much tears, hurts and discontentment in a marriage. It therefore calls for the two spouses to be free and open to each other in order for their relationship to be free from unnecessary strains. It is true that no human being is able to read the mind of the other, even psychologist just interpret the signs or behavioural outcome. In communication the recipient uses the information that is made available to them. They will interpret the emotions and gestures that they receive.

Therefore any positive or negative communication that proceeds from you to your spouse will be the exact material that she or he will use to respond to you.

 It is therefore important that in marriage there is freedom of speech and thought. This is because there is no lasting friendship that can develop between couples if they never effectively communicate. Remember, your spouse is your best friend, a confidant and a person whom you share life with. Life process has many intricate channels that carry essential messages between the spouses (imagine the veins that carry blood in your body and think the dangers of DVT-Deep Vein Thrombosis) and they require being free, without any block. In this case then you cannot afford to create a block in your communication, for in so doing you might be inviting a disaster. Make life easy for yourself and for your spouse through developing effecting communication channels whose outcome will be enjoyable benefits.

You are in a marriage where joy, peace and absence of loneliness are supposed to be resident. Broken communication is a result of development of block, barriers, attitudes, ignorance, arrogance, anger, selfishness and fear of being exposed. (Some people have private behaviours or characters that they would not like challenged, therefore they block any attempt by their spouse to get there)  It is important that a couple remove all the barriers that come in between them so that their communication flows. No one enjoys being misunderstood or being denied self expression. You should therefore be part of a solution but not a source of problem so that you create a suitable environment.

Couples are two human beings who are different in traits, upbringing, gender and other factors; that is a complex by itself even before they start living together. It is therefore of paramount importance to make communication easy to avoid adding extra baggage of complexity upon your relationship. Make it as a life project to be understood by your spouse. Your spouse certainly cannot read your mind; she/he is as limited as you are. Remember in the same way that you desire to be understood, your spouse has a similar urge.

The first step into successful communication which is spoken is to be clear in expressing yourself such that your spouse understands what is in you. Please you will need to remember that the fact that you have been understood does not mean that you are right or correct. You might only have expressed a wrong idea with great eloquence and clarity. Does your spouse have to put with smartly presented rubbish? 

No! This brings us to the second stage of successful communication. Allow your spouse to question or seek for clarity from what you have presented. You should never feel offended if your spouse seek for clarification or challenges your preposition. Your spouse should not be a “yes” person for what ever quality of your presentation. We must own it up that sometimes we express ourselves in a hurry without much a thought, other times we are selfish and want our ways to prevail. Allowing our spouses to challenge our presentation make us to read from the same page and the conclusion arrived will be for the common interest of our family.

There is what we commonly refer to as, the golden rule, “Do to others what you would like them do to you.” In this case do not use language which you would not be comfortable with if your spouse used it on you. No body enjoys vulgar language, for all of us have emotions which can easily be hurt by unpleasant communication.

If you would not like a silent response from your spouse then never use the weapon of silence in your communication. If you are to be silent, let your spouse be aware that you are not comfortable to talk at that moment. This should never be used as a scapegoat for evading dialogue. If you are not in a position to talk, you might say something like, “could we please discuss this matter later when am in a position to make positive contribution.”

Thanks you I hope this nugget will help you go a step ahead in your communication. Please pass it over to some one else. Remember, as our ambassadors you can introduce you friends to this newsletter by letting them register on our website.

Also please note we are now on radio online and could listen www.familyrebuild.org

Please remember us in prayer and support family rebuild as the Lord will lead you.

Pastor Wangaruro.

Family & Marriage Nuggets

• A Praying family will manage the tide when it comes. There are slim chances to oppose what you have jointly prayed for. Please, please pray for your spouse, children, family vision and yourself. Pray as if it is your sole responsibility for indeed it is. Prayer makes a difference. Pray is allowing the supernatural to work on your natural circumstances.
• In family rebuild we have a motto that states that,” Every challenge Plus God Equals to Change! Therefore do not face the problem on your own accord, often times we are limited at our best. Let God be part and parcel of your plan from the onset. God should not be the last resort but should be included from inception of your project or activity.
• Paul tells the Philippians (2; 2-3) that they should stop thinking of their own welfare only, but rather they should consider the interests of others also. Stop complaining about your spouse; probably you are the one who need to change first. People mostly see the mistakes of others without the inner look. Try your best to change yourself as your spouse might only be compatible with a changed you.
• A wise man sees a looming danger and takes cover. Taking cover is a sign of wisdom for only fools’ delight in quarrels and fighting. Those who are able to evade undue confrontations with their spouses are wise and they end up enjoying their marriage relationships more. Let not your marriage be a platform for war, as this only destroys your initial dream.
• Do not assume that your relationship will not be attacked; challenges come every day and they meet good and bad people. Having relevant knowledge on how to handle a conflict is the best protection that a couple could be in possession of. It’s unwise for one to always land in trouble with spouse, friends, in-laws or others. Developing the traits for tolerance, forgiveness and love is a sign of value added on one’s personality.
• Being open to each other will close the door of misunderstandings and suspicion. Spouses have no ability to read the mind of their loved ones; they can only operate on the information released to them. Being open saves time and energy and removes the frustration that always accompanies closed hearts. Is it not strange or dangerous that spouses could be open to their friends but are closed to their spouses? If you cannot be open to your spouse then it goes without saying that your relationship has a problem, but of course it is solvable. The formula that solves a problem can only work if there is correct substitution. Apply it wrongly and like in maths it won’t give you the desired results.
• Dialogue is a sign that you respect your spouse. Dialogue is where both spouses engage in responsible discussion about their life or issues that are affecting them. It is vital for people who love each other to refuse the immature drive that inhabits the opportunity of taking the platform of their conscious life. If taken then ignorance permeates into the heart. In Marriage both spouses have to sincerely and openly talk because it is a shared life and this means shared responsibility. If you find yourself not wanting to talk to your spouse, there is another underlying problem which you need to come in term with. Marriage was not meant to be a graveyard of silence and ignorance rather it should be a workshop where new developments are made and also where some ideas are also dismantled and thrown into the skip through couple’s agreement.
• If you compete with your spouse on issues, it creates not only a tug of war but also a separation into a winner and a looser. No body likes losing! Therefore do not always seek to outshine your spouse otherwise she/he will be your inferior. The truth of the matter is that each of you has potential to excel if given supported by the other. Success of one spouse should be the delight and pride of the other. If you succeed do it together and also if failure come share the pain of the lashes together. Let not one be weeping while the other one is celebrating yet you are one. Remember, United we stand!
• Do not fail to know when your spouse is discouraged; take time to encourage her or him. There is no body that has immunity to discouragements. All of us face hard and discouraging time from time to time and all we need is someone close to us giving us assurance.  Never rejoice in criticizing your spouse or pushing him/her to a corner when his/her emotional strength is at its lowest. Learn to read the moods and temperaments of your spouse and positively offer positive support as a therapy.   

Lastly Praise is a medicine and a motivator. If you want your spouse improved tomorrow, then recognise what he or she has done today.

Pastor Wangaruro

In support of stable marriages and families.

For any counselling appointments please call 07940105578 or write to familyrebuild@yahoo.co.uk

Understanding our roles in Marriage- Part 1

The cry from malfunctioned families has touched the throne of our father, the designer of marriage. He established the marriage institution many years ago and left our great grand parents Adam and Eve in the garden. He blessed them to succeed and had an expectation and plan for their successful togetherness. Look at the strength of the vocabulary that he used to bless them, “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky and over every living creature that moves on the ground.”

This kind of blessing is what demonstrates that God’s plan for humanity was that they may enjoy life on earth as opposed to the hard till that followed. This plan was that of brightness and progression. The scriptures show very clearly that God blessed them both, the male and the female. It is unfortunate that today we have divided the family along gender lines where one is deemed more blessed than the other. One is viewed as vulnerable or endangered and therefore over protected. This is not what God intended life in marriage to be. He intended love to be the envelope that holds the two together.

A relationship that will emulate God’s initial plan will be characterised by mutual respect between a husband and wife.  In this relationship each spouse will look at the other as a valued member of the family unit and each one will be fully involved for the welfare of the said unit.

The much we can tell why man was created is that God decided to do it. Though through careful look we find that God wanted to make him a co-worker and he gave him the responsibility to manage his other creations. He created him in his own image after he had created the animals. It is therefore certain that animals are not in the nature of God though they are his creation. He then gave him responsibility to manage the garden. This demonstrates that leadership qualities are innate in a man. They are a design symbol for a man. Someone might ask, and how comes that some men are not leaders? Learning from Adam, man ought to have leadership qualities in order to control ‘other things’ and also to head his family. There is no family headed out of ignorance that will enjoy excellence. Unfortunately some men fail to nurture these qualities, and no wonder the mess in the families today.

Another one might ask; do women have leadership qualities? Well by design women are the latest model of creation. They were created with immense ability and wisdom because of their purpose. They too were given a task, to rescue man because he was lonely in the garden. Every woman should understand that her first role (after God) is to her husband, to make him happy. Feminists might debate on this but unfortunately this is an order that cannot be changed.  Woman was created for the man and not vice versa!

This means that man has a responsibility to share with his wife the area he needs her to give a hand. It is bad how some men struggle with issues to the point of death while accompanied by a wife in the house and they cannot let her give a hand. Is it not evil for a ‘stuck man’ to refuse to be rescued even when “AA from above” has been delivered to his own house? A woman has the potential to make a man better irrespective of how chaotic a man might have been. But the man has to be willing, he has to let go, he has to drop his pride and let his ego deflate a little. Different cultures have taught bad stuff, they have given men very high profiles and as a result women have lost their will power.

It is only a woman who can order a chaotic man!

It is lack of sight for a man to assume that he knows everything. This behaviour tends to block the input of his wife, a thing that can introduce frustration in the family. Assuming that a wife is only relevant for bodily edification and ignoring her brain power is a great failure for a man. The scripture puts it clear that two are better than one, for they produce a better return for their labour. It is far better when your have a forward thinking wife as opposed to a ‘yes woman’ who cannot put her brain on anything. I reiterate again that the role that a woman plays in any successful marriage cannot be ignored by any man who wants to enjoy the success of marriage.

It is also important for a woman who is forward thinking to know her limits so that out of her vigour she does not disrespect her husband. Men have a strong ego and if there is any form of threat on their position they may raise their necks high like a cock. It is good for a woman to know the characteristic of her husband so that she does not always overstep. This does not mean that a woman should be overstepped. She likewise has feelings which are wounded if given negative responses. 

In conclusion if both spouses would respect each other, each pray for the other and both frequently pray together, each provide positive contribution to their relationship, and together gather skills to strengthen their relationship and protect against the torrents of life then the warmth generated would be sufficient to sustain them till death. And that is the will of God the father.

More of this rich information can be gotten from the author’s book, “Seven pillars of a successful marriage” To order a copy go to www.familyrebuild.org or write an email to: familyrebuild@yahoo.co.uk

Love is more costly men what me pays.

 25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing[b] her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. Ephesians 5: 25-28.

This message is mainly for men but I Know more women will read it than men. I have met many cases within the last few years where men seem not to fully embrace their role in marriage. Fortunately this role was included in the initial instructions after creation, they were affirmed by Jesus and Paul nails them in to us through the Ephesus church.

No body demonstrated love as Christ did. This perfectly shows without iota of doubt that there are many people who are in relationships but have no single dot of love. They are in enduring relations where they struggle and grumble daily. Most women in such relationships miss the main ingredient that would bring joy and radiance to them, that is a practical husband.

The Text above shows that Christ loved for a purpose, to improve the bride and make her tailor made for himself. In fact it says that Christ cleanses the bride first before he presents her to himself as radiant church with stain or wrinkle. Jesus enjoys this intimate relationship with the church as a result of the work and sacrifice that he has done on the church. The church would not be radiant without Christ’s involvement in bringing this change.

28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church Ephesians 5:28-29.

This analogy is good when stated from the pulpit but difficult to keep for many people.

The husbands are given the task of loving their life in the same format as Christ did the church. This means there is the bit for a husband to go out of the way to ring radiance upon the wife. Of course most of our cultures put a demand upon a wife to cleanse the husband and present him to her. This should not be the case! It is not the wife who should labour for the radiance but it is man’s response to the wife that makes her sparkling at heart and body.

The truth is that when the bride receives this superior treatment she cannot fail but bring this immeasurable joy to the husband. This means that love has a cost. Love is not demonstrated by taking a woman for a period and then damping her. Such action is propagated by greed and lust. Love is ensuring that the woman in your life is radiant, enjoying and protected. Do not make your wife to remain in a bitter relationship wishing for an alternative.

It is therefore the responsibility of men to learn how to treat their wives until they are radiant. Jesus said that a man that looks at another woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. This should stop men from seeing other women as better than their own. The main role of a husband is to make the wife feel good (comfortable) in the relationship.

If your wife is always excessively tired she will not radiate that brilliance which a man desires from a wife. This calls for a man to break any cultural limitations that prohibits him from placing his finger on the chores.

If your wife is always criticized and blamed for all mistakes that happen at home then she will not be radiant. She will spend time nursing inner wounds and washing them with tears. If tears will come up her let them not come because the husband is unreasonable.

If your wife is always struggling with the children and the father of the children is never involved in parenting responsibility then the woman will not be radiant. Spending a day with even one child can be traumatizing to the wife and therefore understand and support is needed from the husband. If the child are bigger toward teenage it can be hard work for a woman to be left to contain them. Men should ensure that their children are growing physically, intellectually and spiritually without developing emotional difficulties.

The list may continue! But the point is that men should come to this understanding that your pride is hooked in being responsible as husbands. The truth is a wife develops virtuousness from a stable base of loving relationship that is built by the husband. There is nor glory in mistreating your wife through you uncooperativeness. If you give the right leadership your wife will sparkle and glitter than diamond.  Make it your prayer that you will be the best husband this year. What I have said can be deduced from the scriptures quoted and therefore debate can only arise if we are indifferent from the scripture.

Today is a new day

Today is a new day in which you can choose to improve your relationship. The scriptures give us comfort that God is on the business of supporting us in our weaknesses. It is therefore my belief that through the grace, love and mercy we can improve our relationships if we be willing.

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. 23 They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. Lamentation 3:22-23.

Previously we said that a new day gives you a new page to fill in for your life. The scripture above is not an error but a confirmation of the fact that there is an opportunity to be better than were yesterday. Yesterday is gone and it suffice to let its problem to go thereof.

Carrying yesterday into today is what brings baggage into ones life. In saying this I regret that many of us live in yesterday and majority (especially) men live in tomorrow without having an opportunity to live and enjoy today. May those who are nursing the pains of yesterday allow the grace of God to heal them so that they may live today.

May those living in tomorrow reduce speed and come into reality. Tomorrow is not in our hands and we can only live it if we be in the hand s of God who holds it. Discovering the secret of living each day at a time is a great discovery for any one wanting to enjoy life. For those who life in the future Jesus had this to tell you, “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own”. Mathew 6:34.

Let me use this opportunity to speak to those who perpetually have not enjoyed their relationship. It gives no pride to maintain an attitude which does not add value to your relationship. Take for instance if your wife has a problem with your family or vice versa. As a man, being the husband, the head of the family and the vision carrier of the dream family, how long should you allow the problem to linger without your intervention? It is a gross failure for a man to be controlled by his parents and ends up allowing them to torment his wife because she is not related to them through the blood. Is it not true that you are in a covenant with your wife which cannot be broken and was witnessed by God?

Therefore do not allow anybody else to flush in animosity in between you and your wife. You have an open page today to reverse the happenings that have damaged your family through ignorance. The vice versa is true for the in laws from the lady’s side. In laws can only be passengers at the back and under no circumstance should they be on the drivers sit. They can only drive their own family and that time you will be the passenger though as age kicks in you start holding their wheel and never the opposite.

Take an example of developing warmth in your relationship. Some spouses eye out only to see other people as preferable spouses. It is a nose dive to compare your spouse with another one since you have no similar experience with them as with your spouse. It is unfair to compare a wounded wife with charming girl who has not gone through your experience. That is not a just scale in way.

Sometimes men tend to run away from their responsibility only to blame the wife as forceful and domineering. Other times some women demand more than is practically possible from their husbands. In both these case it would be important if the couple can logically and with respect analyse their circumstances before taking any step. It should not be an issue if a woman earns more as long as she does not imagine that as a ticket to elevate her ego and look down upon her man.

 Money is power and if in the hands of a fool it will do foolish things. If in the hands of a wise person it will rebuild their family. The fact that a woman has a good job does not okay the man to stop working and be the house keeper. The arrangement on work should be through family agreement in which both contribute to the progress of the family. There is an outcry of lazy husbands looming in the air. It was not supposed to be so from the beginning since man was created as a worker and the woman as a co-producer.

A lazy husband will shun his main responsibilities which unfortunately will fall on the shoulders of the wife. This becomes a source of cry and when pressure builds up on the wife then emotions start changing colour from green past amber and to red. The couple has a capacity to avoid this happening if only both can accept to talk things out. A family should look at their earnings and their expenditure and then budget depending on the family income. Both spouses should agree on working arrangements which will help create time for their children.

You might think that this is not possible, but it is possible if only you are willing. If you had the capacity to woo each other to love and start a family then talking to sustain it is in your docket. Again the opening scripture states that the mercies of the Lord are new every morning.  Let the season of your relationship change. Make a deliberate move and bring about a positive change in your family. Let the tears dry by you taking the right role and bringing in positive contribution.     

Abstinence leads to higher Academic Achievement

Whatever God has demanded from the humanity is achievable and people of good will can do it. When He said that he hates immorality and sexual promiscuity, he knew what material he had used to make man. He knew that women are opposite in polarity and men would be attracted to them, in fact he told Eve, “Your desire will be for your husband and he will rule over you ” Genesis 3:16. Remember the desires are to the husband not to every male. The opposite is true the commitment is not to every woman but to your wife only.
 

“Meats for the belly, and the belly for meats: but God shall destroy both it and them. Now the body is not for fornication, but for the Lord; and the Lord for the body”. 1 Corinthians 6:13

The following italicized paragraphs are quoted from a different source based on a research done in America but also relevant All round the globe.

“We are in a time where sexual promiscuity is being taken as acceptable by people whose conscience has been seared like with hot iron. Parents are openly getting involved in sexual relationship outside their marriage, something that is extremely stressing to their children. Is not annoying for a son to be eyeing the same girl friend with the dad? By the way whatever a man goes to get from another woman can potentially be given by his wife. A man needs to create the same good environment at home and talk and keep the same promise to the wife as he does to the prostitute that he goes to.  

Social science data show that teens who abstain from sex do substantially better on a wide range of outcomes. For example, teens who abstain from sex are less likely to be depressed; to attempt suicide; to experience STDs; to have children out-of-wedlock; to live in poverty and welfare dependence as adults. National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health (Add Health), a national survey funded by more than 17 federal agencies found that teens who delay sexual activity are more likely to have stable and enduring marriages as adults.

The Add Health data show that teens who abstain from sex while in high school are less likely to drop out of high school and are more likely to graduate from college when compared to teens from identical social backgrounds who are sexually active. This higher level of educational attainment will, in turn, result in higher incomes for abstinent teens”.  http://parenting.ygoy.com/academic-achievement/

How can we help the youth to be sexually responsible

1)     Pray for them and let them know your expectations and why. Let them also know God’s expectations for their lives and the consequences of disobedience. Prayer alone without necessary information will fail them. God is not a god of ignorance, from the beginning when he gave the law to Moses he instructed him, Teach them as they sit, and as they rise, tie the tablet upon their neck…etc. Prayer must also be accompanied by relevant information. It is only those who want to run away from their responsibility who will stick to prayer only.

2)     Have an open discussion on sexual matters with your children, so that you are able to guide them and trim any strange thing that they might have picked on the way. They always pick strange things based on their environment, media negative influence and of course the internet. Do not let your children lack important knowledge that they might need in life. It is far safer when they are taught by you as opposed by their peers or the Mr & Mrs. Internet.  Take a bold step and be engaged in a talk with them. In this talk let your children participate and ask questions. Answer the questions depending on age and be accurate no matter how brief your answer is. You could choose to give little by little depending on the sensitivity of the topic at hand. But also remember if the children have brought it up there is something they want to know from you and therefore never flush it off. If you are not able to address it immediately promise to answer them tomorrow or latter but ensure you do it. ENSURE THAT YOU DO IT.  Some questions must be answered to the specific child(ren) in case you have two very different age groups in the house. You could spare sometimes with the bigger one after the little have gone to sleep and then explain the matter. Or better still is to pass you message informally, as you work in the kitchen, in the car or any other relaxed atmosphere. 

3)     Check on the programs that your children watch right from inception. In they grown watching those programs with sexual explicit images in addition to the naked adverts that unexpectedly hit our screens then they will tend to go that way. It is very unfortunate that some families have no rules or boundaries on TV programmes.  The truth is there are good programmes no matter how few they are but there are also bad and destructive ones and these are many. As an adult you are able to tell lies and acting on a program, while your child might take it to be a way of real life. Remember all programmes are acted but their influence is real. If some one swears during acting, or pretends to kiss and your children copy the act, when they swear it will not be acting when they kiss it will be real.

4)     Guide them on the global outbursts which are portrayed as good. For instance the celebrity culture of marital cheating is doing a lot of harm than good to the society and especially to the youth who adore them. Most young people today identify with one football team or another, more specific they have a liking for the top scorers or those with ‘skills’ as they call them. Others like other sports and musical groups and musicians. What about when the same star goes on sexual rampage as it currently is with some celebrities and their marriages are dented? Due to close association the children tends to embrace the act as a normal one. What do you think happen to them when they hear of a celebrity having a new boyfriend even before the first divorce has gone through?  What about when they follow a protracted debate on a celebrity on the verge of divorce? They tend to be sympathetic with one, take sides and embrace some nasty decisions. The value of marriage is therefore given a kick on the back.

The challenge is big and we cannot ignore it. The future is doomed for the youngsters and therefore if they lack proper guidance now as they grow, the platform set for their future is that of many wives in their lives and that means many hurts, many sins and gross irresponsibility. Parents, if you have a problem in handling this please order one of my books on sexual purity and a guide to sex education, or buy any other relevant material from the Christian bookshops.

5)     Expose your children to other responsible people who could teach them. Take for instance there is a youth seminar in your church or in certain related programs are running, let not your children miss. You could also invest a little with a family counsellor. It is unfortunate that most people rush for counselling only when they have problems. There is what we call enrichment counselling and this is always taken by wise people. It is meant to strengthen oneself in certain areas after doing a personal audit. It is important for a marriage also in parental skills and growth and development. Young people might find it very helpful to strengthen their relationships skills.    If you can buy your children a bicycle, a play station or take them for a holiday, please love them enough by letting them be trained in the right personality skills. True love for you children is equipping them to stand on their own at any situation. Please call to book for a session, we have been doing this with some people who have realised that investing in their children’s personality and quality of character brings the biggest dividends.

6)     After the five above points then you can be practical to the youngsters and explain to them why each of the actions below. 

·        Thou shalt not kiss both on the mouth or on the genitals

·        Thou shalt not visit a girl or a boy to sleep in his or her house alone.

·        Thou shalt not be indulged in undue masturbation.

·        Thou shalt not touch a friends nakedness on purpose or for sexual leisure,

·        Thou shalt not expose your nakedness to someone else on purpose or for sexual leisure. (Remember all this is acting that is meant to lure someone into sexual trap which has many regrets)

·        Thou shalt not deliberately feast of pornography whether alone or in a group. 

·        Thou shalt not fail to ask your parent or a responsible adult what you do not know.

7)      You might have done some of the things given above and your youth is still going wayward, do not give up. If the squirrels removed our seed from the ground we always had to re plant again. Never give up if the foundation was good he/she will certainly come back. The prodigal son tried to go rampage of life extravaganza, but his father never gave up on him until he came back. Never stop talking constructively and never give up.

This article has written with Christian principle at heart. Therefore do not feel offended if you think it does not measure to your moral uprightness.

Pastor Wangaruro

In support of our community

Equipping men for Godly living

Destructive or constructive Disagreement?

Allow me to share with you something that spouses do even though it has negative consequences. Probably the best excuse is that we do it because we are all different and also we are just human. Conflict is defined as a disagreement on an issue or matter and will always come for we are not formatted to think the same. It is a fact that we cannot say yes to everything and to each other at all times. Sometimes our opinions are different, other times we are correct and not ready to be persuaded otherwise and sometimes we are wrong and the pride within cannot allow us to unwilling to accept it. I believe that it is not what happens to us that determine the way people will interpret us but it is what we do with what we have and our response to what happens to us. In this case I will say that that the outcome is greatly influence by the process as opposed to by the input. (Unless we take your input to be a resolve never react negatively to a negative impulse).

From the above then we can deduce that there is a constructive disagreement and also a destructive disagreement. Let me start by elaborating the constructive disagreement.  This is a disagreement where the spouses behave like adults. In this type of disagreement each recognizes and respects the contribution of the other spouse. There is non who seeks to be a “Mr or Mrs Know it all”. Having a different opinion is not interpreted as being weak or rebellious but rather strength in the relationship. I have many times experienced a time where my wife and I have differed in our perspective or paradigms. In this some times we give each other time to explain why we tend to differ, and this brings a window of fresh light to the other. In constructive disagreement having a different means the other one is also engaged in thinking and reasoning. It means the brain is engaged first and fast before engaging the boneless tissue which is a deadly fire (the tongue). There is no element of selfishness and none of the spouses seek to emerge as a winner.  Mostly this happens when people are discussing on important decisions where soberness is not an option.

Unfortunately for many couples these moments are very few. You might wonder, but there are many couples who never have positive dialogue. All decisions are passed by the husband and the wife has no active role in them. This is a dictatorial kind of administration and it only soothes the male ego. The opposite is of equal weight also. There are homes where women are the masters and what they say become a law not even a rule.  In such marriages the husband is dethroned from being the head either because he earns less or the wife has certain advantages and privileges over the husband.  Rather than submitting to the husband the wife usurps the leadership role and therefore ignores the God given structure of family management.

Destructive disagreement often comes where there is no balance, and where respect for each other is not esteemed. In this case one spouse or both behave less maturely and is clothed with selfishness and some elements of childishness. I am reminded of a story by my cousin about a Rat and a Mouse during our wedding over fifteen years. The story was a bout a couple who raised hot disagreement and that resulted to exchange of words and finally inviting physical confrontation. She said; “Baba Kimongonye and Mama Kimongonye were relaxing in their house one evening after dinner. Then a rodent interrupted their sight as it cruised above the window of their house. The man exclaimed, hey mama! Have you seen that Mouse? The wife responded in disgust, hey baba! That is not a Mouse it is a Rat. The man said oh no it is a Mouse, I saw it very well from here. Mama furiously defended her position attacking her husband’s colour blindness and short sightedness. She asked, didn’t you see it was grey a thing that invited the man’s wrath upon her?  He rose up to confront the woman telling her, “I even saw the brown stripes that characterize a Mouse. You are full of disagreement; (wee ona no ukararie rui, utwaruo) you can even oppose the direction of a river flow”. The wife, as she flew to safety told him, baba Kimongonye; whether it’s a mouse or a rat, we will not eat it, so let us stop the argument”.

Bear with my story and my translation from mother tongue. This couple was up in arms over something that has no significance or value to their marriage. They spent time and actually annoyed each other as they sought who to win the irrelevant episode of the rodent. Finally mama realised that all they were doing could be well found among little boys who are seeking to proof who the star is. This time the realisation came unfortunately it was too late, but it is still good that it came. The main problem with destructive disagreement is that there is one person who is always denying the truth, or taking a wrong preposition. Can we laugh at them and finger point them? Are there times you have behaved like the Kimongonye’s?  Answer yourself. Any argument which will leave one of you or both of you unhappy needs to be avoided as early as it starts in your marriage. If a spouse would take a stand just for the sake of proving a point to a loved one then that does not add up as a positive to the marriage institution. It is vital for spouses to be sensitive over each other and therefore be able to weigh the issue at hand. It pays to sometimes step down from your platform and take a low position in order to defuse an argument whose eruption would be hard to handle.

 In marriage we say there is not a winner or a loser. Winners celebrate and losers mourn. This means if you push your spouse to a corner so as to win, you will celebrate alone. This kind of win also has a bitter effect on the emotions of a spouse for it is never based on love.  Its existence in a marriage is therefore a demonstration of absence of true love. It is not easy to relate with a spouse who is feeling intimidated and wearing a garment of loss and failure because of the spouse’s stand. Marriage should be complementary relationship, we are there to help and support each other become better for our common good. If you never want your ‘loved’ spouse to have a positive self image but you are always rubbishing he/she then psychology might define that as sadism. (A sadist enjoys when the other is suffering or when he/she is causing misery to other) If you ever find yourself wondering why you should help or support your spouse then know that there some disconnection and the circuit is incomplete. Those who enjoy their relationship bad come stronger are those who are always ready with a question, ‘how can I help you my dear?’ 

 Probably you are wondering whether then it is possible to live in a marriage. Yes! It is possible and sometimes we all fall in this trap. But immediately you realise that you are headed to down turn then retracting your move is a demonstration of maturity.  It is only fools who see danger and never avert from it. A wise man the scripture says has eyes on the fore head and is able to see danger as it looms.

Some self reflection pints can guide you deflate your ego so as to safe your marriage;

 1) What will I gain if I win? If what you will gain will not be celebrated by both of you then drop it.

2) What will the position of my spouse be after the argument is over? If your spouse will have become your enemy after the argument then drop it the quickest possible. I mean if you are pushed further apart by your argument then why engage in it?

3) If you are not 100% sure of the position that you are defending then for benefits of doubt then buy time and drop the argument.

4) If your argument is a continuation of yesterday’s argument which you won then do not entertain it. The emotional wounds that your spouse suffered might not have stitched fully.

5) If your argument’s moral fibre is against your convictions then drop it. It is unnecessary baggage and your marriage can be better without it.

6) Ask yourself this acid test, Is there justice in your convictions or are you oppressing your spouse because of your position.

7) What will be telling your self on the inside after the argument? Will you be cursing or  blessing and will you be celebrating alone or together?

Remember dropping your position so as to avert danger is not a sign of weakness but of maturity. I hope that today you will be the mature spouse who is selfless as opposed to a weak and immature one who is full of selfishness.

I hope this has spoken to you and that you will reflect on you stand in case you will find yourself engulfed in a certain argument with your spouse. Should you need to talk to us please feel free on email; familyrebuild@yahoo.co.uk

Pastor Wangaruro

For familyrebuild.

In support of stable and loving marriages and families

Get the right Woman - Marry her and then Love her

I invite you to learn three important steps that I have learnt from the way Isaac married his wife Rebecca. They are extremely important and if we have to safe our children from the storm of ignorance and irresponsibility then teaching the right thin is key. The message can also enrich the relationship of those already married. Look at this scripture in Genesis 24:67; " Isaac brought her into the tent of his mother Sarah, and he married Rebecca. So she became his wife, and he loved her; and Isaac was comforted after his mother's death".
Three important steps in keeping marriage alive and strengthening the family bond.

1) Seek & get the right woman. Do not be in a hurry to fall to any female, pray and wisely filter to your specification. Every woman can be good but not right as your wife. The opposite is true. Remember marriage is for life time; therefore you better get the right one. God is able to give you a sensible and prudent wife, but you have to pray, wait, and listen for his prompting. Abraham had to send servants to go to the right people and get a wife for his son Isaac. Abraham kept some people off because of their faiths and he knew they would lead his son astray.

For Christians, the blood of Jesus has redeemed us from the curse of the law and we do not discriminate depending on race or tribe. Nevertheless a cross cultural marriage has special requirements and need different approach and should not be taken lightly. There are cultural and generational issues that you cannot ignore even if the lady you love is born again. Please if a cross cultural partner approaches let the hand brakes be on, trend consciously and very carefully, seek help. Having said all that about cross cultural I would also recommend the same sensitivity for any upcoming marriage. People can be of the same tribe and they are terrible and difficult than those of a different tribe.

One of the cross group marriage that we do not encourage or support is that between believers and non believers. It is true that after salvation we are positioned with Christ in God, we become new creation, the old way of life passes away and a new one comes which is after the likeness of Christ. Look at this scripture, "Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? 2 Corinthians 6:14-15. There is no compromise about this, it is very clear but people like always to make short cuts for themselves wanting to justify what God never said. Paul advising those widowed on remarriage, he said A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord."

2) Marrying her! Acceptable cultural obligation, legally marry your wife and spiritually get the blessings from God through church. Do not waste time for each other. Pay dowry where it is required, show respect to the mother and father who gave birth to her, let the parents bless you. There are many youngsters who want to just keep a girl friend, enjoying her and finally dumping her for another preferred girl. In doing this the forsaken woman is left with emotional wounds having been used for sexual gratification and then denied an opportunity to form a home. Her time is wasted, her glory is faded, and her minds left with disturbing memories.

This trend supports the spirit of prostitution as a man behaves like a donkey on season, moving from one woman to another. God never intended people to have sexual relationships if they are not in married relationship. It is sinful and an abomination before God. Therefore if you feel that you are mature enough to handle a woman then prepare to marry her. Have an official certificate; remember a certificate does not guarantee a good marriage but validity. Someone might ask, what is the importance of a marriage certificate and its just a paper? Then I will also ask why should a car have a registration number and it can move without it?

Never ignore the blessings that are pronounced by the servants of God. If you have only married your wife culturally and legally please plan quickly and getting the blessings. If you have been blessed in the church and have no legally registered your marriage then wait no longer. If you have married and have not gotten the blessings from the parents then you have endangered your livelihood. Never touch (indulge in sexual relations) someone's daughter without their permission!

3) Love your wife! A woman has a great capacity to accept love and this means that a man should have a great reservoir for love. This reservoir should always have a tap that is fully open pouring into his wife's heart. It is a fact that whenever love is given it will never fall down. A woman's heart is like a love magnet, it attracts every drop of love released by the man. Unfortunately even strange love is attractable to this magnet. The only cure for this is for the husband to overshadow his wife with great volume of love.
Love needs to have affection and commitment. Like in all skills it important for a man to know how to give out his love to the wife. Many men will say they have a big deposit of love for their wives in their hearts. That can sound very good only to those who do not know how to receive love and these are not women. Unless love is given out with visible actions then it remains a fantasy in the mind or the heart of the possessor.
This demands a man to develop in all aspects of love so as to add flavour and quality in their love. Many people have commitment in that they supply the basic necessities for their family, but are not affectionate. Probably you have ever heard of the old men boasting of having three of four wives and how they have provided land for them. The truth is those women lived a miserable life, because a woman needs more than land or property. A woman needs affection, she needs intimacy and this can only ooze from the husband. A woman needs to be talked to and with kindness, she needs to be helped in chores, and she needs reassurance from time to time.

If the last time you told her the magic three I love you was a day before your wedding then something is wrong. If you only talk well to her when you want s_x then you are mistreating her rather than loving her. If you cannot check on her during the day by dropping a mail, a text or a call at break time then you are too far from being affectionate, and you need to come up and learn the trick. If you cannot hold hands to pray and also play at times them you are too rigid and this does not support the flow of affection in a relationship.If you intimately connect with her for your self satisfaction without considering her satisfaction then you need to know that love is not self seeking.

The scripture teaches in 1Corinthians 13: 4 what love is. Of course if we use this scripture for the context of marriage we need to come to reality and blend them with daily experiences. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, and it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres.

If you will not love your wife do not marry her. Marriage without love is a regrettable relationship.

For more details and clarification please feel free to write us an email on familyrebuild@yahoo.co.uk,

Pastor Wangaruro
Familyrebuild Ministry (UK)

Marriage as a spiritual institution

Some people have said that marriage has nothing to do with God, and have seen it as a cultural practise as opposed to spiritual practise. Previously we looked at marriage as a cultural institution. In our discussion we will seek to portray the spiritual aspect of a marriage. We read that at the beginning God created a male and then created a female out of the male and then brought them together. He blessed them saying, "Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and over every living creature that moves on the ground." Genesis 1:28

Marriage therefore is not a cultural creation but cultures try to conform to what God initially started. Adam was a lonely man in the garden until his condition was quickly noticed by God. Probably he was caught lamenting on the condition of animals that were surrounding him. God had given Adam a big assignment which he was doing but probably feeling discouraged because he lacked someone to talk to. He was found in a dire need such that God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him." Genesis 2:18.

Understand therefore that the idea of a man being united to a wife was not forged in a human workshop or ratified by a cultural court. God himself found the need for a man to have a helper. God had decided to create something different from the other animals to become a match for Adam. This tells us that those people who marry Animals are beyond themselves by far and need spiritual help. God was designing a suitable helper. It is very important to note that a wife therefore is a suitable helper. As a husband you must see your wife as a suitable helper, never as a competitor, never a slave but a helper. This means you need to involve her in your vision so that she will know where to come in. 

A second thing that you need to learn from God is that the helper that was created for Adam had gender, to be precise was a female. God in his wisdom created a different gender to be the helper for man. A female brings in other special qualities that a male does not have thus she plays a complementary role. Having an inclination that a man can marry a man is completely going out of God’s plan and trying to negate the original plan of our maker. It is actually trying to be wiser than God and this is a form of wickedness. A male can never be a helper mete for another male.

We can learn a lot of how Abraham involved God in getting a wife for his son Isaac. He relied on God’s leading in order to get the right partner for his son. Look at the instructions he gave his servant before sending on a wife finding mission.

“The LORD, before whom I have walked, will send his angel with you and make your journey a success, so that you can get a wife for my son from my own clan and from my father's family. 41 Then, when you go to my clan, you will be released from my oath even if they refuse to give her to you—you will be released from my oath.'  Genesis 24:40-41.

Abraham was conscious of which group of people that could be compatible with his son. He was not just looking for a woman but one who could help him fulfil the things that God had spoken about his son.  He did not want him to be spared from the sword but be finished by a woman. He gave his servant an oath of allegiance that he shall go to his own people and get a wife for his son. The servant was also spiritually sensitive and followed all the instructions from Abraham. 

"When I came to the spring today, I said, 'O LORD, God of my master Abraham, if you will, please grant success to the journey on which I have come. See, I am standing beside this spring; if a maiden comes out to draw water and I say to her, "Please let me drink a little water from your jar," and if she says to me, "Drink, and I'll draw water for your camels too," let her be the one the LORD has chosen for my master's son.' Genesis 24: 42-44

The prayers that the servant made were answered quickly. He narrates the happenings to Bethuel and his household saying:

"Before I finished praying in my heart, Rebekah came out, with her jar on her shoulder. She went down to the spring and drew water, and I said to her, 'Please give me a drink.'  46 "She quickly lowered her jar from her shoulder and said, 'Drink, and I'll water your camels too.' So I drank, and she watered the camels also. Genesis 24:45-46

When Rebecca was being released by her family to go and be Isaac’s wife they had a time to talk to her. They prayed for her wishing her all the best in her new family set up. They blessed her saying, “Our sister, may you increase to thousands upon thousands; may your offspring possess the gates of their enemies."  Genesis 24:60. In talking like this they were far above their cultural context, they were in the spiritual wavelength. They were pronouncing blessings in the spiritual realms; they were ordering the spiritual realm to comply with her sister’s desires.

Lastly Apostle Paul, a well educated man does not leave this area hanging; He, under the influence of the Holy Spirit used the relationship between the church and Christ to liken it to the relationship between a husband and wife. “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies” Ephesians 5:25-28.

Conclusion

Know that God is therefore a witness in your marriage. Whether you married in church or culturally God saw your togetherness. The inner desires for each became the unspoken vows and are biding. Even those who went through the church and pronounced vows, they did this as a witness to people. Any marriage that will succeed must appreciate the fact that God is not a third party in their relationship but a part and parcel, a witness of the first encounter.  Involve God in your marriage by praying for your marriage, pray for yourself, pray for your spouse pray for your family. Get to know what God expects you to handle your spouse because God is a witness of your marriage. When you mistreat your spouse then you offend God deeply.  Laban knew Jacob was a man of many tricks and reminded him that God was a witness of their covenant that was made without witness of other people.

Laban said, "This heap is a witness between you and me today." That is why it was called Galeed. It was also called Mizpah, because he said, "May the LORD keep watch between you and me when we are away from each other. If you mistreat my daughters or if you take any wives besides my daughters, even though no one is with us, remember that God is a witness between you and me." Genesis 31:48-50

 Pastor Peter Wangaruro

Familyrebuild

In pursuit to support stable marriages & families

Culture and Marriage

Many couples have publicly given each other marriage vows. Other couples begun their marriage in private and the public were not involved.  Marriage is a tripartite institution which has connection with cultural practise, has spiritual practise and also is engulfed by legal practise. In this article we will deal with cultural issues that are affecting marriages.

Through cultural practise the groom honours his parents by informing them that he is ready for marriage. Sometimes it is not a surprise for we have cultural antennae that never spare asking a man who appears to be getting delayed about his plan.  Mostly our aunts and other village women pose some inquisitive questions because culturally there is an expectation that a man should marry at certain age. 

If you are more committed to your parent than will be to your wife then think twice before you marry, for you might go through a divorce. In this generation where pets have become favourites of certain families, I would say that, if you love your dog more than your fiancé then do not marry her. If you love your brother more than your fiancé then do not marry her. Your brother has to be loved through the phileo (brotherly) love but a spouse has to be shown commitment through romantic love, agape love (self giving) and a demonstration of commitment. Let not your culture restrain you from loving your spouse by following some primordial requirements.

On the other had when a man has been lucky to have a positive betrothal then dowry is exchanged. In this case different cultures practise different things, majority being the man who gives a token of appreciation to the Bride’s parents.  There are other cultures that have commercialised this aspect and end up putting enormous pressure on the groom to a point that hatred exists between him and the in-laws. This is not a good thing as this tension can cause constraint between the man and the woman after getting married. I have heard of parent or clans who count every coin that the leady has ever used, every school fees that has ever been paid etc and demanded that the groom refund the same among other demands.  This is ridiculous and it should never be the case. In-laws should develop a cordial relationship rather than animosity that have been witnessed in some cases. After all even the groom whom their daughter will get have also been nurtured and educated.

On the social aspect also it is important to note that after a man has married, a nucleus family becomes formed and it helps enlarge the community. It is important for the man to know that the wife then married belongs to him and not to the extended family or the clan. I have learnt of cultures where a woman becomes a beast of burden for the mother in law, brothers and sisters of the husband. A lecturer told us of a culture where the father in law has to be the first one to sleep with his son’s wife for her to be accepted in the community. Come to think of it. A time for such idiotic practises is over they should be replaced with something to measure up with 21st century.

The husband should be the defender of the wife from his society and if he fails in this duty then he has really failed. Some sisters or brothers are very quick to bully their brother’s wife depending on where she has hailed from. A husband should be the shield to silence any fiery arrows that his people would like to through to his wife. Why would a man allow his people to intimidate the wife he loves? Some women have suffered through the hands of the in-laws who wrongly think of them as lazy, illiterate, barren, or ugly and especially if she tries to defend her property.

The in-laws think of it as their right to benefit from their son’s or daughters riches and especially if they are doing well. That could be good assumption and naturally it’s expected that those who have material possession share with those without.  Nevertheless a husband should discuss with his wife how to help their in-laws. Some in-laws are quite demanding and if there is no good plan then there will be pressure in the marriage. Understand that you cannot carry all the problems for your clan or tribe. There are other spouses who ignorantly say that, “ I cannot leave my people”, “ I am so close to them”, “they are next to me”! Such utterances are only good enough to destroy your marriage as oppose dot making it good. Once married, the next person to you is your spouse, followed by your children and then your parents come third.  Any other arrangement will bring imbalance in commitment, trust and love.

On investment, it is important to remember that all what you have belongs to you and your wife/husband and not with others. This means if you waste your resources with your people then your wife/husband will be deeply wounded.  If you are to give anything to your family then involve your spouse also. If you are to invest at home then take care not to over trust your relatives. Some have done it and got wounded. Think of having an overall manager who is not related to you and your relatives could work under him if at all they are to be involved. This will ensure that respect remains and you will not be wounded.  It is important that whatever property that you acquire it be registered between the two of you. Some people have their brothers or parents as next of kin, which is great ignorance and should be avoided. Your wife or husband should be your next of kin in all your issues. There are those women who own property separately and they tend to cling to them for a rainy day. This is not a plus to family stability. Your heart is where your riches are and this tends to divide your heart’s attention.

Let not cultural stand or practices ruin your marital relationship while you could have used it to strengthen your relationship. All that I have said here is personal opinion and you are not obliged to follow it if you think what you are doing is bringing more joy.  Having said all this I would like to acknowledge some very responsible in-laws who are trusted and will not swindle you a coin. May God give then prosperity.

DIVORCE TAKES PLACE FIRST IN OUR SPIRIT; THEN IN OUR MARRIAGE

I welcome you to a teaching that will help you the way you perceive relationships. In our days today we live at time when divorce has been taken as an option in marriage. The truth is that those who want to make strong relationship must speak think, the right things, speak the right things and practise the right things. This is one of those shared article from friends who value marriage. Please remember the coming weekend Friday 20th, Saturday 21, Sunday 22 Familyrebuild is hosting a major conference in London.  Time will be from 6.30pm, A guest couple from Nigeria who are respected marriage and family counsellor will be ministering. Please come and let some else know of it.  See you then. Rev Wangaruro "Divorce takes place first in your spirit; then in your marriage." That was a Marriage Minute truth from the couple's devotional, "Marriage Minutes--Inspirational Readings to Share with Your Spouse" written by Robert and Cheryl Moeller. It's a devotional book we encourage couples to read when they don't feel they have much time to invest every day in their marriage. We ask the question, do you have a few minutes?"

DIVORCE TAKES PLACE FIRST IN OUR SPIRIT; THEN IN OUR MARRIAGE

"So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith." (Malachi 21:16)

"When we lived in the desert southwest, several members of our congregation were housed on a military base. Whenever one was hospitalized or in need of a pastoral visit, we first had to gain access to the base.

"A young man or woman wearing Air Force blues would order us to halt. The person would approach our car, ask for identification, ask the purpose of our visit, and then call the people we intended to visit to verify our identification. Only then did the sentry wave us through."

"We could learn a lesson from the military when it comes to posting a guard at the gate of our marriage. We are warned to 'guard yourself in spirit, and do not break faith.'
 

"Why are we to be vigilant as to what enters our spirit? It's because we dare not allow bitterness, apathy, lust, unforgiveness, anger, or unfaithfulness enter our hearts. They are the unseen, often undetected terrorists that will infiltrate and sabotage the sacredness of our marriage vows.
 

"Divorce happens in the spirit before it happens in the relationship. It begins when sin infiltrates our hearts. So post a guard at the door of your heart and don't be afraid to use the word, 'Halt!' It may save your home."

(This goes with the safeguard we've implemented in our marriage. We never let the word divorce enter our vocabulary in reference to our marriage. If the thought comes into our minds we throw it out like we throw out the trash. With that option being eliminated, we're both secure in our commitment, and we instead put our energies into working to resolve our conflicts rather than looking for an escape hatch out of them.

This helps us to keep our vows we made on our wedding day to each other and most importantly, to God. It also eliminates the entertainment we could give the enemy of our faith with the destruction the "D" word could bring our marriage.)

TO REGAIN OUR FIRST LOVE, WE MUST DO THE THINGS WE ONCE DID

"Yet I hold this against you; you have forsaken your first love. Remember the height from which you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did first." (Revelation 2:4-5)
 

"How many couples would experience significant conflict in their marriage if they showed each other the same kindness and appreciation they did during the first six months of courtship? Once we opened doors; now we slam them in anger. Then we whispered words of adoration; now we mutter under our breath. Once we noticed only their strengths and overlooked their weaknesses. Now we do just the opposite.

"Jesus sadly told the church at Ephesus that it had forsaken its first love and had fallen from a great height. He told it that it needed to repent, to literally undergo a dramatic change of mind and direction. He urged its members to regain their first love for Him by acting out the love they once enjoyed.
 

"There is a profound lesson here for all married couples. If we want to be in love again we must act in love. We must make the choice to speak and behave in loving and caring ways toward each other. We must do the things we once did when we beheld each other strictly through the eyes of affection and tenderness.
 

"We can recapture our first love, and once we do we will realize that our love is fresh and new again. But we must first recapture our first attitudes and actions."

IF YOU FELL IN LOVE AT ONE TIME YOU CAN CERTAINLY DO IT AGAIN

(We've told couples that tell us they have fallen out of love with each other, "If you fell in love at one time you can certainly do it again--especially with the help of God whose very name means LOVE. If HE can't show you how to love again, it can't be done. But we know with God all things are possible to those who believe."

If God can raise the dead physically, He's certainly able to breathe love into those who are dead emotionally. But we need to participate and be willing to listen and follow what He outlines for us to do throughout His Word--the Bible, and follow the promptings of His Holy Spirit.
 

It first begins with a decision of the will, and then actions, and then the feelings of the heart have the opportunity to proceed. As we are told in Ephesians chapter 5, "Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.")
 

We realize however, that for some of you, this is difficult advice. You can't MAKE your spouse treat you with the affection and tenderness you once knew from him or her. But you CAN ask God what you are to do on YOUR part that He would want you to do, and trust that God will do a miracle, as He is so well known for doing. Trust that He will either work a miracle within your spouse, within you, within your circumstances, or within both of you in "HIS" time, as you do as He leads.

IT IS ABOUT WHAT YOU DO TO IMPROVE THE RELATIONSHIP AS OPPOSED TO CHANGING THE SPOUSE.

DIASPORA COMMUNITY IN A MARITAL DEATH POT

Over the time there has been a great concern from many spouses who are suspicious that their beloved love of life are love cheats. Probably that phrase is too western, could substitute it with having an extra marital affair. Not really sure whether that brings point home or I should say betraying their marital covenant by having sexual relationships with other parasites whose intention is no lesser than to break and kill their culprits.

By the look of demographic strata there are more married adults whose spouse are here or a broad who are selfishly engaged in this act sexual misconduct. Most of our children are below 15 and have not yet begun though could be doing it virtually for obvious reasons that they are under their parents. Unless where parents have given up and failed in their responsibility.

A vital point is that these children have no idea what aids is, they only think Chlamydia and genital warts are the worst sexual conditions. Nevertheless adults are familiar what aids can do to human being. It eats one’s health, shape, size and money until one drops down in death.  This August during family rebuild Conference we shall have a session for the youth dealing with STDs, HIV/aids and abstinence. Get the dates for either Coventry or London. 

Someone might love at me and say but we are in the west where anti retrieval doses and other curative methods are easily available. Certainly yes, but do not be fooled. You are better without aids with or without the dose! Have we forgotten that this far despite all technological advancement there is no cure for Aids yet? Aids is a killer, it fragments a family, the stigma has not yet been resolved though has improved. Aids devastates, brings low self esteem and sense of hate to many spouses who get it from their spouses. A lot of counselling is to be involved to given hope to a victim.

Husband and wives should be aware that any time you get yourself hooked to another partner you have greatly increased your chances of being infected. Someone might look healthy and strong, please note that is not the measure of absence of virus, the virus could be dormant waiting for the right environment which you now present. The rate of infection among the married is now increasing because of the high level of unfaithfulness. Increased freedom and lack of accountability has made spouse freelance sex providers which is a form of prostitution. Increased level of earnings have left families worse off for the increase is being managed by potential HIV carriers rather than become a family joy. It is stupid and great level of selfishness and ignorance if any penny that is meant to improve the welfare of one’s family is freely surrendered to a prostitute. Make your wife or husband the best and their response will be the best. 

BLESSINGS IN DISGUISE

The Lord has been gracious; many long prayers on immigration issues have been answered. As a pastor, am always praying and writing documentary evidence for people to give weight to their cases. This is true with all pastors and will continue. The Lord full of mercy and very compassionate has opened doors for many people and especially in the last two years. A brown envelop was delivered bearing a positive report or a solicitor called to give a report not to ask for more. What do we say to this, Thanks to God a million times and million times.

Husbands be responsible

Many people now can approach the airport with boldness, and can board the planes with intention to come back to the island at will. Upon going to abroad it is important for one to really be considerate of the fact that fact that one has a wife or a husband and, children. Do not present yourself as though you have just graduated from full time studies and have kept yourself in a state of celibacy waiting for this moment. If you present yourself as  mandazi to hungry people then your destination will be in their tummies having been thoroughly chewed. There are many women on the waiting room looking for such a mind that has no value for the family. They will adorn themselves for you despite having done the same yesterday for another irresponsible man like you.

Do not be fooled, there are more women in the world than are men. This is a natural phenomenon and we might not balance it even when the west tries to use their technology for baby’s sex choice, women will always be more. If there are more men there will be more trouble in the world.

If the papers mean inviting aids and other STDs it was better if you would have remained in the mole land.    I charge men to have constraints over their sexual surges for the benefit of sustainable family life. Why don’t you improve your sexual relationship with your wife and get to enjoy her to the best. Your wife might not be that difficulty if you treat her same way you treat that prostitute to be precise. If you never smile to your wife, never talk to her with respect, never give leadership to your family but then you do all this to a cheap girl or a woman with a bait how do you expect her to be productive sexually. Enjoyable sex is a contribution of both spouses. It actually starts from the time you step out of your bed in the morning but not when you enter into the bed in the evening. This means that you wife’s productivity depends on your romantic swings long before bed time. Remember there is no better woman than the other it is the way you treat her that determines her response.

Women be sensible

The same is true for a woman. The fact that you have got these papers does not make your husband a devil. It is good to remember the struggles that you have gone through together with him. Your husband might have a problem or two but that does not mean that you dump him for another. The truth is that there are no free men here. Any elderly man you see here has a history therefore do not be fools. An ordinary man in African is married before 30 years old. And of course the British start living together by eighteen, the data may show that many marry at an older age but that means formalising not customary or cohabiting.   

As I invite you to read this data, may I urge you to cooperate with your spouse and build a family rather than scatter what you have already begun.

Rev Wangaruro

For family rebuild.

www.familyrebuild.org Tel: 07940105578

HIV and the family

I am not the source of this data; I have picked it from certain sources which I have acknowledged,

HIV is one of the fastest growing serious health conditions in the UK. There are now more people living with HIV in the UK than ever before, over a quarter of whom don’t know they have the virus.

Despite these advancements in medical technology, HIV diagnoses have again begun to increase. These increases parallel increases in other STIs and unintended pregnancies across the UK. Unless safer sex messages are heeded, the UK could again see an increasing level of HIV transmission. From http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/193209.php

Published by: National AIDS Trust (NAT) New City Cloisters 196 Old Street London EC1V 9FRTel + 44 (0)20 7814 6767 on 04 Sep 2004

The majority of people actually diagnosed with HIV in the UK in 2008 (58 %) had been infected through heterosexual sex, Two thirds of those infected heterosexually were black African and the vast majority (87%) of these people had probably acquired HIV overseas.

However, the numbers of heterosexual HIV infections that were probably acquired here in the UK have been rising steadily in recent years. Over a quarter of heterosexual HIV infections that were diagnosed in 2008 were probably acquired in the UK. The majority of these diagnoses are likely to be amongst the British black African community.

Just over two fifths (44%) of all those living with diagnosed HIV in the UK live in London, as do 42% of the people newly diagnosed with HIV in 2008. This proportion used to be much higher, but people with HIV are now living across all areas of the UK and particularly in major towns and in North West England.

In 2008, an estimated 32% of adults diagnosed with HIV were diagnosed with CD4 levels below 200, indicating their immune systems had already been badly damaged by the virus. The latest treatment guidelines recommend that people with HIV should start taking medication when their CD4 levels get to 350 or below, and by this measure 55% of those diagnosed in 2008 were diagnosed after HIV treatment should already have begun.

http://www.tht.org.uk/informationresources/factsandstatistics/uk/

ANGER IN MARRIAGE

Is there any one who never gets angry at all? Are there spouses who enjoy anniversary after another without ever becoming angry with one another?  Please get in touch with us if you are one of them, though you might not be reading this message because such people do not live in the universe.  

"The state of marriage generates in normal people more anger than they're likely to experience in any other type of relationship in which they habitually find themselves." (David Mace) I cannot ignore also the fact that “marriage by design is the most fulfilling form of relationship that humans can develop or participate in; it has the potential to be the greatest source of joy and enjoyment. When God first begun it he looked behind and said it very good.”  (Wangaruro)

May I share a few thoughts from a devotional book written by Richard Exley called, "Forever in Love" (which is no longer published).

In this particular devotional chapter, Exley first asks why there is so much anger going on in marriage -- a relationship, where you would think there wouldn't be such hostility. He first makes the point that almost anyone would be able to understand or it looks reasonable to have extreme anger going on in a marriage where there is betrayal, abuse, or alcoholism involved. But that is not all! He then asks, "Why does a relatively good marriage generate so much anger?" Do you consider your marriage relatively good or is it like the first one above. Do you expect anger kick backs from your spouse or are you surprised when the emotion surfaces? 

He addresses the question this way:

"It must be because we care more about our marriage than we do about any other relationship in our life. We care what other people do, but only up to a point. Because they aren't a permanent part of our life, their actions have no lasting effect upon us, and we seldom allow them to make us angry for more than a brief moment. In marriage, things are different. What our spouse does, what he/she feels, or thinks, has a direct bearing on our own well-being.

Paul the apostle urges the Ephesians (Ephesians 4:6) not to sin in case they become angry. He strongly shows them that anger is not a quality to boast about to the setting of the sun. I believe that spouse could make this a deliberate action plan for their relationship. It pays very little dividends to the wellbeing of your marriage to host a prolonged moments of anger. Please note, I have not said that you should never be angry for then you would cease to be human. What I have said is, if anger controls you then you are a captive awaiting disaster.  

"In your anger do not sin" : Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, Ephesians 4:26

"Although love and anger are poles apart, they're not opposite emotions; rather they're two sides of the same coin. Love is the positive expression of deep feelings we have for our spouse, while anger is the negative expression of those very same feelings.

• Any inappropriate expression of anger is one of the most destructive forces in a relationship.
• Mismanaged anger can tear a marriage apart. No matter how much we love our spouse we block their ability to respond to us in love when we hurt them through reckless anger.

"As one emotionally devastated wife so aptly put it: 'It takes a hundred kind words to undo the damage from a single angry word.' It's critically important, therefore, to manage the anger in a relationship.

• Find non destructive ways of dealing with it. Make it a friend instead of a foe. Learn to make it productive.
• In short make anger your slave but not your master.
• You have your spouse with you for life and need to make positive progress in all areas that composes a fulfilled life.

"According to Howard and Charlotte Clinebell, authors of The Intimate Marriage, 'Occasional outbursts may make it possible for marriage partners to be more caring and compassionate at other times. A relationship strong enough to take such outbursts in its stride is a healthy one. Providing a place where one can drain off hostility that has accumulated in the outside world is one of the most important mental health functions of a good marriage.'

But of course it is important to put to mind that you are offloading your outburst to someone whose feelings can easily be hurt just as yours are. Unfortunately she/he may not go away to offload it to someone else but to you or children in the family. This ushers in conflict and your anger becomes contagious. I wish you had positively indicated the fact that you were angry and probably your loving spouse would have handled you with care.

Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools. Ecclesiastes 7:9

"But they go on to point out that, 'Chronic verbal attacking is NOT a means of maintaining a healthy marriage.' Remember, anger is a powerful emotion that should be handled with care." There is no body whose immunity is not weakened if the whips target on the same spot. 

If you find that anger is ripping off your marriage, it is important to ask God for a healing and also to seek help fast enough before the fabric of love is utterly weakened. Anger like a virus has potential to weaken your immune system and mental or physical illness can have an easy access.

• Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Ephesians 4: 31-32

Remember anger is an emotion that is provoked to the surface by an underlying problem or challenge. When you see an angry spouse then you need to know there is something else also. But because of the Love that God has showered us with, we can all afford to forgive those who trespass against us and cause grievous wounds in our hearts. Sometimes those who cause us untold anger are themselves free from such anger.

Pastor Wangaruro

Family rebuild

Lesson on Networking from Apostle Paul.

Reflect with singleness of thought and mind and without prejudice or rush and answer the question, “Should I respond and support the work of any ministry? The reason for asking you this is because you must be having some inclination of a kind. Being clear about this question will pave a way for you to move from known to unknown, error to truth, and from ignorance to knowledge. 

Let me use Apostle Paul as an example to help bring clarity in this matter.  He was fully involved in the work of the ministry that brought light to the gentiles. His ministry required him to crisscross many lands proclaiming the saving gospel of our Lord and saviour Jesus Christ. It goes without saying that he needed money to travel, upkeep and the needy situations that the ministers always encounter in the mission field. Sometimes Paul was accompanied by a group of people. Would it not be unreasonable to assume that such a missionary team would go across Asia without being paying for their bed and breakfast or fare for their voyage?

Paul was arrested and imprisoned for the sake of the Gospel though the Gospel was not chained. In the prison he took a writing vocation. This should teach us that a visionary person is not dictated by the environment solely, rather he utilises the opportunity available to propagate the ideals of his vision. Paul wrote a letter from a prison cell to Timothy, his son in faith. I invite you to read chapter one and four of 2Timothy and you will understand networking that a minister quest for. 

(1) “You know everyone in the province of Asia has deserted me, including phygelus and Hermogenes”.2Timothy 1;15. This statement shows that these were people who were with Paul in the field but they deserted him when the saw the magnitude of the task, and the path through which the achievers have to trend. There are people who always test the depth and if they sense danger or costly commitment then desertion becomes the easier option for them. Looking at 2Timothy 4: 9-10, Paul reveals some of his co workers who deserted him:

“Do your best to come to me quickly, for Demas, because he loved this world, has deserted me and has gone to Thessalonica. Crescens has gone to Galatia, and Titus to Dalmatia. Only Luke is with me”.

These were three notable men who were supposed to be supporting the kingdom business but unfortunately they opted for a better comfort. Apostle Luke seems to be the only one who embraced both the benefit and the suffering in the ministry. In that particular Ministry whose ideals you identify with (your church or a Para-church ministry like family rebuild) would you be classified among the three who deserted or with Luke who remained with Paul?

The apostle explicitly remarks about these two people who seems to have been close friends considering the special mention they are given, “including Phygelus and Hermogenes”. This must have sprinkled drops of discouragement to Paul. Whenever a trusted co worker withdraws from supporting the vision carrier there tends to be a shock or a decline in effectiveness. This is because vision supporters provide some form of pillars which support a building. Remember how Hur and Aaron supported the hands of Moses the man of God as Joshua was fighting the Amalekites (Exodus 17:12). As long as the hands were supported there was winning but whenever the hands were lowered the enemy would win. Remember the vision carrier is only acting for the kingdom; it is not his personal business. Are you in such a position of trust where your pastor or the leader of your ministry expects much from you? Are you working to prove yourself a good workman or are you a disappointment? How sad it is for one who has been given a position of trust to disapprove his worth in kingdom matters? Are you like the two who caused pain to Paul and shame to the kingdom? What are you going to do?

(2) “Get Mark and bring him with you, because he is helpful to me in the ministry” 2Timothy 4:11 Paul was called to be an apostle but he confesses that he could not do it alone. He identifies Mark in particular as a helpful person. How relevant are you to the ministry that you are associated with? Are you closely working with the vision carrier? How significant is your presence? Remember God gives a vision to one person who may chose to take it up or drop it. Once he/she has taken it up then the vision gather runners who embrace and support it. May I ask you whether you are a runner with any vision or just a talking spectator? Misinformed people assume that in supporting a ministry they are assisting a personality and therefore out of jealousy they back off. – These would well be likened to the man who buried his talent because of Jealousy; rest the owner would get a profit. In his wits he was rebuked by the master as unworthy servant, and cast out from the presence of the master. Even the one talent that he had was taken away from him and given to him who had traded with much profit. Every vision carrier is looking for the likes of Luke and Mark. These are people who will not desert despite the difficult; they have identified whom they are serving. Even if they deviate like Mark who had parted ways with Paul they will still reposition themselves at a later stage and will come back to support the vision. Are you the like of Mark, or Luke or are you the Hermogenes type?

(3) “Alexander the copper smith did me great deal of harm, The Lord will repay him for what he has done. You too should be on your guard against him, because he strongly opposed our message” (2Timothy 4;14-15). Alexander would not befriend anybody supporting the ministry of Paul because his business was in manufacturing of idols using copper. He took time to slander the apostle and ridicule the message being preached rest people convert from idol worship into the worship of the living God. He wished if Paul would forsake his campaign and was ready to do anything that would discourage or immobilise Paul’s vision. He spoke many things against the work that Paul was doing and wanted him out of his business district or the catchments area.

There are people even today who bear the spirit of Alexander because of the lifestyle that they keep. If a minister touches or illuminates their dark corners then they react vehemently or forcefully.  They distance themselves from any support that the ministry might be looking for simply because the vision is flying above their standard. Apostle Paul did not fight Alexander but he cast him unto God’s vengeance. Of course be sure that you cannot destroy the work of the kingdom and escape it free. Do you have the spirit of Alexander? Are you offended by the vision carrier for the truth he /she propagates? Think again and quit companies with Alexender.

(4) “May the Lord show mercy to the household of Onesiphorus, because he often refreshed me and was not ashamed of my chains. On the contrary when he was in Rome he searched hard for me until he found me.  May the Lord grant that he will find mercy from the Lord on that day! You know very well in how many ways he helped me in Ephesus”. 2Timothy 1:16-18. Onesiphorus is a representation of a committed co-worker who goes beyond convenience to support the vision. He made journey to Ephesus and searched hard for Paul who was imprisoned in a dungeon where not many people had the courage to go or bother to look for. Paul referred to him as one who helped him many times and in different ways. This shows a no-tiring commitment, and it makes Paul to pray for the Lord’s mercy upon his life. Such a people make the work of the ministry to be done with ease, they grease the elbows and the ankles of the vision carrier. Every vision carrier is looking for the likes of Onesphorous, they are self giving, they are not those who complain when they give, but those who look for an opportunity to give.

(5) Which spirit do you have? 

 * The spirit of Alexander- the opposer

* The spirit of Demas, -the deserter

* The spirit of Luke- “the only one with me”

* The Spirit of Mark- the helper

* The spirit of Hermogenes – the betrayer

* The spirit of Onesiphorus – the sacrificial and self giving supporter.

There is an open door for the likes of Luke, Mark and Onesiphorus to serve in family rebuild. You just need to click at the right button on our website, or make a call and declare yourself as one of those who are for progress. We are constantly praying for our God to arouse family rebuild kindred of all nationalities and tongues. The onesiphorus type goes an extra mile to search and supply for what is missing. They are the financiers of the ministry.

Are you a type of Onesiphorus, Hermogenes, Luke, Demas, Alexander or Mark for  family rebuild? Where are you? Please respond for the benefit of forward move of this kingdom minded ministry.

God bless you.

Pastor Wangaruro

Familyrebuild

Hindrances to Communication

To all who value their relationships, with spouses, children or friends. The shell that encompasses lasting relationship is very highly made up of good communication.

Get to read the following article and desire to make improvements on those areas where you will find yourself lacking. Please remember also we have a family clinic on 12th June from 1.00pm. More details on face book, and from our website www.familyrebuild.org. Pastor Wangaruro

Here's a question for you -- what do you think is the hardest thing to do in a relationship? Think about it! And then read what someone else says about it:

"What's the hardest thing to do in any relationship? Personally, I think it's listening. Listening doesn't come naturally to human beings. Most of us love to talk. But to focus in on what someone we love is saying -- now THAT takes effort!

"Whether it's a 16-year-old sister explaining every (and I mean every) detail of her break-up, or listening to your spouse describe every (and I mean every) little that bothered them about work that day, it's tough to listen for very long.

"So why bother? It's because listening demonstrates our love. When we do something that tough, we demonstrate how much we love someone. If listening were easy, it would also be a lot less loving.

"We demonstrate our love for God by listening to Him. When we do something that tough, we demonstrate how much we love someone. If listening were easy, it would also be a lot less loving.

"Proverbs 8 personifies godly wisdom as a woman calling for listeners on a busy street. We don't know how many customers she drew; I would guess, not too many. People haven't changed.

"Maybe wisdom needed a better business plan. Who really wants to listen to the demands of wisdom? Chances are--she'd urge people to do things they didn't want to do so they could achieve some long-term goal. Listening to God's wisdom --focusing on each word, understanding its implications, interacting with its intentions --is as tough as listening to people! But it's also worth it.

"As with any discipline, listening gets easier with practice. It starts out tough, and you might not always pay complete attention, but you will get better. So why not start right now? Commit yourself to the labor of listening --to your spouse, friends, family, and to God.

"In this case, nothing says, 'I love you' like saying nothing and listening instead."

........................

To give credit where credit is due --the above message is a modified version that came from "The Soul's Journey/Campus Journal" that we sent to us and we in turn passed it along to you because of the wisdom of the message it delivers -- especially to those of us who are married.

The Bible tells us to be "quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry" (James 1:19). This is especially important in marriage because we often switch this concept around where we become quick to speak, quick to become angry, and slow to listen.

Lets face it, we each want our own way! And many times we're willing to run over our spouse with our own words and push aside his or hers. That MAY seem the best strategy because we're so sure our way is best, but is it really? Doesn't it cause more hindrances and problems than it solves and doesn't it build more communication walls between us rather than bridges?

"There are two hindrances to good communication that must be overcome. There's the bad habit of lazy listening and hasty speaking" (John Lavendar).

How do you become a less selfish marriage partner and become a better listener? Dr Gary Smalley said it best: "To learn the power of listening, you'll have to begin with one vow: to rid yourself of what the Demmitts (Dr Dallas and Nancy) call the 'How can I get you to shut up and listen to me?' mind-set and replace it with a 'What can I do to create a safe place where understanding can take root and grow?' attitude."

We hope this message will come as a reminder that a marriage license doesn't give us "license" to become deaf to doing what God tells us to do -- that which is good for our marriage. Strive to be a better listener -- especially when you're with your spouse. It may be one of the greatest gifts of love you could give to him or her.

In closing, we're listing several scriptures that we hope you'll use during a Bible study time to allow God to speak to your heart and marriage. If you're able to spend this time studying with your spouse, that's even better! It would be good to discuss whatever God is telling you as it pertains to listening and your marriage relationship. And then end your time together praying that God will help you to truly listen to each other as God would have you.

Suggested scriptures to read: Proverbs 1:5; Proverbs 8; Proverbs 12:15; Proverbs 15:31; Proverbs 18:13; Proverbs 18:15; Proverbs 19:20; Proverbs 23:12 and James 1:19. "Blessed are those who hear the Word of God and obey it" (Luke 11:28).

Our love and prayers are with you that together we will make our marriages ones that truly reflect the heart of Christ, Steve and Cindy Wright.

FORGIVENESS IS IMPORTANT IN MARRIAGE

Greetings in the name of Jesus Christ. I once again bring to you the message which I consider very relevant to marriage. If the marriage is between two human beings, a man and a woman then I am sure that there are times of disgrace or misgivings. These are times for the “lows” where an environment for hurt, disappointment and hate tends to thrive. The article below address the issue of the need to forgive, it is written by a couple friends who run a marriage ministry in America.  Welcome and learn.

Pastor Wangarurro. Family rebuild.

"Marriage becomes a series of surprises for most of us, and one of them is how frequently we need to forgive and be forgiven" (from the book, "The First Years of Forever" by Dr Ed Wheat).

In our 38 plus years of marriage we've had to give the gift of forgiveness to each other more times than we care to count. It has never been easy, but we both know that if we hadn't "forgiven as Christ has forgiven us," our relationship wouldn't have lasted or be as good as it is today. That's why we're sharing thoughts on this important issue for you to prayerfully consider.

This message is a  "why to" not “how to” message –it’s a  wake-up call to those who are harboring bitterness of some kind against a spouse.

"Forgiveness is a key element in healthy marriages. Forgiveness is the oil that lubricates a love relationship, and it's an oil we need daily. Forgiveness is not a one-time event; it's an attitude of wanting to partner with your spouse in spite of his or her imperfections and irritations" (David and Claudia Arp). And there sure are a lot of "imperfections and irritations" that surface in marriage!

"Any relationship of humans will have problems because humans are problems. A fundamental truth that every marriage experiences pain and heartache. Due to sinful human nature, 'fumbling' in marriage is ordinary and commonplace. Hence, misunderstandings and disagreements are unavoidable and inevitable even in healthy, satisfying marriages.

"The simple truth is that spouses do things they should not do and neglect to do things they should do. In a marriage, normal problems occur because no couple ever communicates perfectly, resolves all disagreements harmoniously or achieves ideal emotional closeness. Unfortunately, the most serious hurts typically happen within the context of close interpersonal relationships, creating a tragic irony of being hurt by and of hurting those who are loved most deeply. When wrongs or sins are not healed by prompt apologies and forgiveness, a couple may drift apart, experience relationship deterioration and perhaps be in danger of dissolution. (Randall Schroeder, PhD, from article, "In the Image of God: The Christian Vision for Love and Marriage")

Dr Neil T Anderson tells of a counseling session he had with one couple in which they "made enemies of each other. And forgiveness was the furthest thing from what they wanted to discuss." Have you been there (even in the moment)? We sure have. And yet Dr Anderson knew they needed to forgive for healing to begin. After listening for a while, he finally told them: "I've listened to your arguments and frustrations. Here's the overriding reality. Before God we're responsible for our own character and the needs of the other person. You two have been ripping each others character while looking out for your own needs. You're struggling in your marriage because you're struggling in your spiritual life.'

"They were stunned. They hadn't connected their marital troubles with how they were doing in their individual relationships with God. But the Bible is clear: 'If someone says, 'I love God,' but hates a Christian brother or sister, that person is a liar; for if we don't love people we can see, how can we love God, whom we have not seen?" (1 John 4:20, NLT). (From Marriage Partnership article "Why Forgive?")

In this article, Dr Anderson goes on to tell reasons you must forgive each other. The shortened, basic reasons (which you can read more of on our web site) are: "to help us to mature in our faith" and "to keep bitterness away" -- which is true. As difficult as it is, bitterness and unforgiveness will negatively change and discolor everything in your life and will ultimately destroy whatever good there can be within your marriage.

"Bitterness, I believe, is the number one killer of our marriages. Many would object and say it is differences on money or incompatibility, but these people do not understand how bitterness is a root problem to these and many other marital difficulties. It is this bitterness, which steps by step by step separates the couple from each other and lessening their commitment to each other.

"God wants to bring healing to your marriages. He wants to eliminate all resentment. Part of our problem is that we don't understand how He has already given us the tools to snap the intimidating influence of bitterness in our marriages through the wonderful power of the Gospel. That little stone that God used in David's hand is much like a special tool that God has given to His children to take down the threatening giant of bitterness. When we in our simple faith and obedience respond, we see God's powerful love bring down all the walls of resentment.

"...Anyone who has been infected by bitterness knows that it can be so dominating that all of the whole life is influenced by it. All sorts of physical and emotional symptoms pop up including lots of stress-related pains and diseases. But it doesn't stop there. Bitterness stops by destroying relationships. It starts so quietly, though. Here are some possible symptoms of a breakdown in a relationship due to bitterness: rolling your eyes, ignoring simple requests, easily irritated, calling names in 'fun,' criticizing spouse's efforts, jest about shortcomings, feeling put out. So many marriages have been destroyed by not following the instruction. "Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice (Ephesians 4:31).

"Bitterness should not be accepted in our personal lives. If we refused to tolerate it, then it would not plague our marriages. Bitterness eats away from the goodness that God has given to us in marriage. Why have so many couples accepted some degree of bitterness in their marriages? Some have never thought about how bitterness is related to their troubled marriages. Others know of it but are so committed to destroying the other that they're willing to put up with the suffering" (Paul Bucknell, "Replacing Marital Bitterness with Forgiveness").

Yet God told us and has shown us the importance of forgiving. "Having shown us the basis of God's forgiveness in the cross, Paul says in Colossians 3:13, 'As the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.' In other words, take the grace and forgiveness and justification that you have received vertically through the death of Christ and bend it out horizontally to others. Specifically, husband to wives and wives to husbands... Why the emphasis on forgiving and forbearing rather than, say, an emphasis on romance and enjoying each other? ... Three answers.

1. Because there is going to be conflict based on sin, we need to forgive sin and forbear strangeness;

2. Because the hard, rugged work of forgiving and forbearing is what makes it possible for affections to flourish when they seem to have died;

 3. Because God gets glory when two very different and very imperfect people forge a life of faithfulness in the furnace of affliction by relying on Christ" (John Piper, from sermon "Marriage: Forgiving and Forbearing").

Marriages heal when we stop looking at what our partner should do and instead look at what we need to do. And the first step is to forgive as we've been forgiven (not excusing or enabling, but forgiving) --looking to Christ as our example. He is the One who can give us the power to "set the captive free" and will later reveal that the captive was us all along --because of the damage that an unforgiving spirit can do within and all around us to everyone whose lives we influence.

I hope that you will forgive.

Finally have a look at the new facelift of our website and make any contribution through it.

The Church and Constitution

The Church is called to be the light and salt of the world. The church is the arm that God uses to demonstrate his will on earth. God is the father of all humanity the king of all kings. He has good plan for all his children as long as they will listen and obey his word. The scripture tells us that righteousness exalteth a nation but sin is a reproach to every people. (Proverbs 14;34)  Further still we are told that if we remove the wicked from before the presence of the king then his kingdom shall be established in righteousness.(Prov. 25:5) We must be on the lookout not to be influenced by proponents of such skewed policies which fail to honour God or respect the humanity in all its forms.  

The church has an active role in the governance of a nation. It is naïve for any politician to think that the church can be excluded from the leadership of a nation. The church ought to be relevant and actively involved in the governance and leadership of God’s people through:

a)     Giving guidance and insight to the leadership. It must provide the yard stick of love, morality and truthfulness.

b)    Refusing to embrace unrealistic policies that only increase lawlessness and weakens social structure and breaks the family fabric.

In the current constitution review there are many amendments that needed to be resolved before the embracing it as a dossier that can save Kenya from the current one. The parliament’s failure to amend the draft and then suggest that they will amend it after it is voted in beats any logic that genuine leadership can present to the nation. Why should Kenyans be in a hurry to pass a wrong and misleading constitution and then assume that amending will be easily done thereafter? Is it not reasonable not to eat poison rather than eat poison and then try going to the hospital. Or which one is easier, to evade falling into a deep pit or to fall in to the pit and then shout for help? This does not in any means reflect my dislike of having a change but is a reflection of a desire for a constitution for all Kenyans. The new constitution should not increase hatred between tribes, or support losing of our cultural heritage and values that different tribes have upheld for centuries. We should not seek to copy America or the west for we a sovereign nation. I will comment about two of the issues that are contentiously being debated. These are abortion and kadhi courts among other imbalances and injustices for the common Kenyan

Abortion:

Have we forgotten the sixth commandment? In case you have it says, “Thou shall not murder/kill”. Also have we chosen to ignore the fact that the life of an adult is equally as important as the life of a child?

For you created my inmost being;   you knit me together in my mother's womb.

 14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;   your works are wonderful,  I know that full well.

 15 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place.
       When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

 16 your eyes saw my unformed body.  All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Psalms 139:13-16

In legalising abortion there will likely be the following consequences which we are not ready to handle and seem not to consider that:

1)                 Automatically there will be increased sexual activities among the young people.

2)                 There will be an increased rate of STIs and HIV infection since there this will increase the rate of premarital sex.

3)                 There will also be an increased break down of moral standards that different cultures have sustained for centuries.

4)                 There will be an increased demand on health facilities to care for the culprits. This means increased financial demand also on the culprit things that will height social strains.

5)                  There will be increased deaths among the youths as they try abortion in order to remain smart.

6)                 There will also be increased problems in schools as much absenteeism will result from complications associated.

7)                 This is a great sin which will increase guiltiness and conflict in our homes, schools, churches and streets.

Countries like UK and US which blindly we want to copy have their family fabric in taters because of moral degradation whose sting is their secular view of life. It beats logic why MPs would like to pass a faulty law; this is a great betrayal of the Kenyan citizens who expects a practical constitution.  

Is there any weapon of mass destruction as ferocious and dangerous as this act which kills children and all their potentials? Life is hallowed and is God given. No committee, parliament, religion or personality has right of life. The life of an adult is equally as important as the life of a child. 

Kadhi Courts

There should be no argument of this clause since Kenya is not a Islamic country unless there is a hidden proposal to make it. Giving one religion a preference and support at the expense of the others is being undemocratic no matter how hard the politicians would like to appear democratic. Secondly we have the crown courts that ensure justice to all citizens irrespective of their religion. Every religion has its own practice and procedures through which members who fail to meet their religious expectations are judged. The same members of different religions should be guided by the Kenyan law since they are citizens. It is against the spirit of national unity for the government to favour the propagation of a minority faith at the expense of the majority faith or other faiths.

Conclusion

o       The members of parliament must look ahead and cease from being selfish. They are elected to take the interest of the common Kenyan at heart but not their own interests.

o       Do not create a religious war within the state of Kenya as it is in Nigeria. Kadhi courts will certainly bring a divide among the Kenyans, a thing that threatens stability and cohesiveness of the peace loving Kenyans.

o       Kenyans must not be happy for just a change in constitution. A change from a pan to the fire should not be welcome despite the need for change. Why should we move from a moving car to an immobilised scrap? A change is not good enough if it creates deeper problems that will take another century to amend.

o       The MPs, trade unionists, church leaders and other public influencers should know that the world expect them to present Kenya to the world as a mature democracy, where oppression to the citizen is non existence and where policies allowed are for the good of the common Kenyans.

o       The government should without reservation cancel licensing the brewing of strange and un standardised brews. When all our young people are dead or rendered unfruitful through sugar coated poison, what will become of our nation? Are we not in the verge of wiping the central province male population through government brews?

o       Kenya should learn from the west where morals have been eroded and understand the challenges that different institutions are going through allowing such policies. Kenya has no mechanism to handle the repercussions that will follow such policies.  

Rev Peter Wangaruro

Family Initiatives Trust(UK).

www.familyrebuild.org

Understanding human sexuality

In this article I have talked about understanding sexuality, an area that has caused many marriages to sail in a pool of hurt and dissatisfaction. I hope that some one will click and start being considerate. For more information please ask a question through our website www.familyrebuild.org

Why was man created?

Man was created with a purpose which God has clearly put in the manual which is the bible. God said let us make man in our image and let’s make him have dominion over the ………..)This tells us that both the male and the female are created in the image of God.

So God made man and gave him the ability to reproduce. The male man, Adam could not reproduce alone so God made for him a companion, help meet who by nature is a female.  The scripture says the desires of the man shall be to wife and the wife to the man.

Human sexuality is a quality that was put in a man with a reason and failure to understand this has resulted to abuse. The male therefore has inborn sexual desires or needs that can only be fulfilled by the female partner and vice versa. The male is supposed to be a marital relationship with the female for them to legally use the sex as per the manufactures idea. This relationship is which God said, “for this reason shall a man leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife and the two shall become one fresh” Genesis 2:24. God at the beginning created therefore the male and the female, species that were compatible for each other. The complexity of man that is propagated by disobedience to the word of God has brought about the incompatibility that we see today. 

The sexual desires deposited leads to both enjoyment and reproduction. They are supposed to work in the context of a couple who have cut a covenant with each other to make a home. Any other arrangement that allows sexual desires to have their way leads to immorality and contravention of God’s plan and purpose. This covenant should be sustained by observation of certain principles. Some of these principles are listed below:

• The female (woman) species needs love from the male partner. She was created with need for love and her capacity to accommodate love is big than man knows. No matter how much love a man can give the wife will always have capacity to receive it. Man is actually commanded to love his wife just as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her(Ephesians 5:21-25

• The male species (Man) needs respect. The respect that a man receives affects his self esteem or ego. No matter what level of status that a man commands he deserves and yearns to be respected by the woman. The scriptures put it clearly that ”Each one of you (husbands) also must love his wife as he love himself, and the wife Must respect her husband” Ephesians 5:33

• The female species (woman) needs to be talked with. A woman is always open and ready to talk with a man. It is her nature to give a good response unless she is misusing her position. She longs for her husband to be considerate and understand her feelings and attitude through listening and identifying with her emotions.  Many men tend to misuse their role as leaders by giving commands and instructions and then fail to engage in a dialogue.

• The female species (woman) needs affection. Dr Myles monrue in his book understanding the purpose and power of woman says that, “While one of her primary needs is affection, one of the male’s primary needs is sex. What men and women need to understand is that affection creates the environment for sexual union in marriage while sex is the event.” A man should learn how to create an environment that will bring affection to the wife as her sexual satisfaction is hidden in this. Many men think sex begins when they get in bed, but to the woman the affectionate shown during the day determines the bed room response. Have you helped her in some house chores voluntarily? Did you make a cup of tea for her or did you unpack the shopping? Little things that help may amount to sizeable affection in the heart of a woman. Men who fail to know this jump on their wives like bicycles and then out selfishly satisfied but leaving their wives with regrets. 

A man is more than not ready for sex when prompted but a woman is a bit different. The wife needs to understand that a man is created like so and that he will always be ahead and not the tail on this matter. The man must also understand that he needs to exercise self control to avoid being selfish. Paul tried to break the male sexual surge among the Corinthian brethren through telling them, “The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife.”

Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self control.” (1Corinthians7: 3-5). This means a man or woman should not punish or defraud the spouse on these matters in pretence of prayer or service to the ministry. Consent from each will be counter productive in what ever will preoccupy one or both of you.

Coming next will the Biblical stand on Homosexuality. This is a vice that is gradually inflicting pain in people’s lives as they embrace this strange lifestyle which is unnatural. It is not a new practice in the Bible history but those who ever did it faced some consequences. Be on the look out and you will learn more.  

Pastor Wangaruro

Family rebuild

"The High Price of Emotional Infidelity"

Greetings in Jesus name. I bring you an article sent to me  from marriage missions , a ministry led by Steve and Cindy from America. I hope it will speak something to you.

Thanks and God bless you.

Pastor Wangaruro.

"Flirting is fun and usually begins in innocence. It's a hard habit to break, even after marriage. Yet it causes jealousy. Worse, it puts us into situations we never intended to fall into, and it creates misunderstandings that can lead to infidelity" (Jerry Jenkins).

Whether intentional or not, flirting with someone other than your spouse is a form of emotional unfaithfulness. That's why we're approaching this subject by sharing a portion of a TV program titled, "You're Not the Person I Married," aired December 5, 2002 on the Dr Phil Show. (To obtain a copy of the entire show, go to www.drphil.com in the Show Archives.)

In this show, Joe and Karmen were battling over his flirting with other women and the emotional affairs he developed with several of them. To Joe, it was all innocent fun, because as he said, "there was no s-x involved." But Karmen felt hurt and betrayed. She said, "I was in love with Joe, and he swore he'd be faithful to me when we got married. Joe's been involved with several women over the years. He SAYS they're just emotional affairs, but they bother me just the same."

Joe responded, "I never thought I'd REALLY be able to give up the attention I want from other women. The flirtations I have are just romantic. There is no s-x involved." And "when I tell the truth [to Karmen] she gets hurt so I have to lie to save her feelings. To be honest, I never thought we'd be married as long as we are now. I think the kids have a lot to do with us still being together."

They then show a film where Karmen is sitting with her son who was crying telling her "it's all my fault" for the problems. After the video, Dr Phil asks, "Joe, you just saw the toll this has taken on your son. So how much fun is that flirting now?" Joe replies, "It's not fun at all."

Karmen said, "I want him to see how badly he's hurting our son. He came to me and said, 'It's all my fault Dad's unhappy because Dad told me he wouldn't be here if it wasn't for us and he's unhappy being here.' I said, 'Joel, he was trying to let you know how much he loves you; that even though he's not happy, he's here for you and loves you.' But, of course, my son didn't take it that way."

Dr Phil addressing Joe said, "You say, 'I got married, knowing I wouldn't want to give up the affection of other women. I'm having emotional affairs, but nothing physical.' ... And then you go say this to your children? Do you feel ANY responsibility to the health and welfare of this family as it relates to your choices?"

Joe replies, "I never knew my choices wold really affect the family the way they have. I have thought sometimes, it's better we should just split up." Dr Phil said, "Well, that's one option to just say, 'You know, I'll just go -- and y'all make your own way.' Joe then admitted, "You know, I like what I have. I love Karmen; I love the kids. I don't want to give that up either."

When Dr Phil asked Karmen if she felt betrayed by the emotional affairs, she said, "They hurt just the same as if he was out having a physical affair." Dr Phil said, "Well, you ARE being betrayed."

Phil then said to Joe, "Let me tell you, anytime you turn AWAY from instead of TOWARD your partner to meet emotional needs, physical needs, needs that are appropriate to a committed relationship, that's a betrayal. You're turning from your wife to meet those needs. What do you expect her to do about that?"

Joe replied, "I know I lost her trust. ...The feeling I was looking for was that new relationship feeling. We've been married 14 years, and I miss that feeling." To which Dr Phil replied, "So you thought, 'I'll just go get it somewhere else. And I'll let my wife and my children pick up the tab for that immaturity, and I'll let our family go down in flames, so I can get a rush every 30 days?'"

Joe said, "I never really looked at it that way. I didn't think it affected them a lot of times. I guess it was, 'What they don't know won't hurt them.'" Dr Phil then replied, "You said, 'When I got married, I knew I wasn't going to give up my want for other women. I didn't think we would stay married very long.' So I guess you thought you'd just bring some kids into the world and then just leave them in your wake as you went to the next conquest. 'What they don't know doesn't hurt them.' Are you rethinking that as you sit here now?"

Joe said, "Oh, definitely, yes." Dr Phil then said, "That's a good thing because this is about wake-up calls. ...I'm trying to wake up and get you to realize what you're doing here."

Joe acknowledged that he now saw his behavior in a different light and that he had been wrong but he wasn't able to make a firm promise to stop for fear that if he failed he'd hurt his wife again with another "broken promise." He did say he "wanted to" stop flirting and seeing other women.

At that point, Dr Phil said, "Listen, I understand. Isn't it all fun when you're falling in love and everything is new and fresh and all that? That's ALL fun, just like riding a roller coaster is great fun. But the truth is, as we mature, we realize that love doesn't get old; instead it transforms.

You know, at first, you're up all night talking and you're doing all of this stuff and everybody gets all excited and everything. And I always hear them say, 'Oh, we're like soul mates. She knows me so well, she can finish my sentences.' Then two years later, it's like, 'Hey quit interrupting.' OK? You know we get that evolution, but we label it as negative when really it's just a change."

"I don't stay up all night talking to my wife because I want to go to sleep. But you know what? It may not be exactly the same; it's better, but different. If you're mature enough to allow that to happen, what you find out is-- in exchange for some of the exhilaration in the unknown, you have comfort, you have security -- you have a soft place to fall. And when you put effort and energy into it, you can create that exhilaration at the right time along the way. But in the meantime, you mature into nurturing what's there."

And Cindy and I couldn't agree more. Marriage is for grown-ups -- those who are willing to act like adults and join together in exclusive partnership with each other and with God.

You might find it helpful to follow something Jerry Jenkins discovered, and shared in his book, "Loving Your Marriage Enough to Protect It." He wrote, "Because I enjoy having fun and being funny, I could easily flirt with anyone I thought was receptive. If someone says something flirtatious with me, my first impulse is to expand on it and see how quick and funny I can be. But I resist that because it's mental and emotional unfaithfulness. I would be exercising a portion of my brain and soul reserved exclusively for my spouse." And Jerry knows, and so should we, that this isn't what we should be doing. It's not God's way, and it shouldn't be our way either.

Think about it, isn't that what marriage is supposed to be? Exclusive? If not, why marry? We beg you to save your flirting for your spouse. Invest your energies in your marriage instead of with someone else. You COULD find your relationship SO much better, feeling newer and revived, and you, your spouse, your children, and your God will be blessed as a result.

Because of the Love of Christ,

Steve and Cindy Wright - 2nd March, 2010

Greetings.

May the grace of God be sufficient for you.

 Family rebuild wishes to appreciate all those who have been praying for us. (if you have not please start now). We are engaged with delicate issues that go on in the families. We seek to give our suggestions based on the word of God, the boundaries with which our calling is defined.

By God's grace we have published a book very relevant for parents, couples, pastors, and youth leaders. The book is on relationships and sexual purity. Why the book? The book seeks to address issues that we have been silent about and which are rarely are spoken from the pulpits. These are issues that are affecting the youth, the married and the Single parents.

The youngsters in school are taught about sex though boundaries are not set. Remember the recommendation is that as young as 5years old they should start sex education lessons. The television pops up  illicit images and the innocence of our children is now broken. What about the peer influence, this is very strong as children learn from the others and tends to be influenced without a second thought, and especially if no regular counselling and Godly teaching at home.

Parents tend to ignore talking to their children until a later date unfortunately at the later date the children's antennae do not receive the parent's frequency. The shyness and shame of talking such matters mostly surround many parents who generally assume that their children will learn it from somewhere else. Grand parents,  Uncles and the wide goodwill relatives are no longer near to offer that needed and free advice.

The published book will seek to help parents discuss elements involved in the relationships based on Bible speak. We have now to strongly bring back the Biblical standards if our children are to excel in this thicket or moral deprivation. The book will be launched on Saturday 27th Feb 2010,from 5.00pm-8.00pm. at IWRM new Sanctuary, 500 High Street North, Manor Park, E12 6QN.

The young people do not know the boundaries for the environment in which they grow and live has no boundaries. We believe that it is still possible in our generation to have the youths keeping their virginity till marriage. Remember earlier on we said that human beings are superior to animals in that they have the ability to exercise self control.

 The same thing is happening even with the adults who are married. They do not seem to appreciate that they are bound to their spouse as long as they are alive. Today the cases of sexual immorality is on the rise at an alarming rate including even in the church. But that has not changed the mind of God or his standards.

May I invite all the friends of Family rebuild to come and sponsor the book for the benefit of the families. We need to save our families today otherwise tomorrow might be too late. We need to talk to our children today, otherwise tomorrow they will blame us.

Pastor Wangaruro - 10th February, 2010.

WHY WIVES AND HUSBANDS LEAVE THEIR MARRIAGES

Greetings in the name of Jesus.

I have some good food for thought served on the table. As have said before am always on search for relevant materials that can help you strengthen your marriage. Please read this might help you unpacked if already your had began and may help you do more if you have doing minimum to keep the fabric of your marriage. Pastor Wangaruro –Family rebuild.

Originally, this message was titled, "Why Women Leave Men," but in re-thinking this message it seems sensible to address why the "leaving" is happening on both the wives and the husband's parts. Of course this message can't be all inclusive, but hopefully it will shed light for some who are in the dark and promote good discussion.

Why do husbands and wives leave marriages they promised to be in for the rest of their lives? It's simple - because they can. Sometimes leaving seems easier than staying committed and working things out. So, as we look at this subject, please understand we are going to address this in "general" terms as it will apply to MOST husbands and wives. We understand there are exceptions. And as you read this, first pray and ask God to show you what YOU should get from this and APPLY to your own life and marriage.

If you ask a woman why a wife would leave her marriage she'll give answers like: "She feels lonely and abandoned." "The only time he pays attention to her is when he wants something" (and we all know what the "something" is). "She feels disconnected -- that he doesn't include her in important matters, or even unimportant matters." "That he seems to care more about other things like TV than he does about her" and the list goes on and on and on.

Now, when you ask a man why a husband would leave his marriage, our first response is usually a blank stare followed by the words, "I dunno." At least that was my first response. But I (Steve) was curious - I wanted to see what the "experts" had to say about the reasons men give for leaving their wives.

As I did an Internet search on this topic I discovered two things: First, there's not much that addresses this side of the problem. And second, what I could find pretty much summed it all up in three categories: (1) Boredom. This is often expressed when he says, "I simply fell out of love" or something along that line (2) Cheating. The husband discovers his wife is having an affair (3) other. This category is a "catch-all" for a number of different reasons men have given. These would include feeling disrespected or emasculated, mental problems, physical or sexual problems, child-bearing issues, personal habits, financial problems, etc.

Because we hear from so many husbands whose wives have left (and they don't understand, "why") and from so many wives who say they're "fed up" and about to walk out, we want to give you some insight from Dr. Willard Harley in a helpful article he wrote called, "Why Women Leave Men." And while this focuses on the issue from a wife's angle, you can see a husband's perspective as well. Our prayer is that God will help us ALL learn from what Dr. Harley shares.

Harley says, "Each day I'm confronted by women who are extremely frustrated with their marriages. Usually, they express no hope that their husbands will ever understand what it is that frustrates them--let alone change enough to solve the problem. From their perspective, marital problems are created by their husbands who do little or nothing to solve them. Wives tend to see themselves as the major force for resolving conflicts, and when they give up their effort, the marriage is usually over.

"When I talk to their husbands, they usually have a different explanation as to why their wives feel the way they do. They often feel that the expectations of women in general and their wives in particular, have grown completely out of reach. These men, who feel that they've made a gigantic effort to be caring and sensitive to their wives, get no credit whatsoever for their sizable contribution to the family. They feel under enormous pressure to improve their financial support, improve the way they raise their children, and improve the way they treat their wives. Many men I see are emotionally exhausted and fell that for all their effort, they get nothing but criticism.

"Men's perceived failure to satisfy their wives is punctuated by the fact that women file for divorce twice as much as men. In other words, their unhappiness with marriage often results in divorce. The most common reason women give for leaving their husband's is 'mental cruelty.' When legal grounds for divorce are stated, about half report they've been emotionally abused. But the mental cruelty they describe is rarely the result of their husband’s efforts to drive them crazy. It's usually husbands being indifferent, failing to communicate and demonstrating forms of neglect.

"When all forms of spousal neglect are grouped together, we find it's far ahead of all other reasons combined that women leave men. Surprisingly few women divorce because of physical abuse, infidelity, alcoholism, criminal behaviour, or other serious grounds. In fact, I find myself bewildered by women in serious physical danger refusing to leave the men that threaten their safety. Simply stated, women leave men when they're neglected. Neglect accounts for almost all reasons women leave and divorce men.

Harley continues, "...Some of the most common complaints I hear from women is, "He ignores me except when he wants sex, he sits and watches television when he could be talking to me, he rarely calls to see how I'm doing, he hurts my feelings and never apologizes; Instead, he tells me I'm too sensitive." Most husbands are mystified by these complaints. They feel their wives demand too much, and that most other women would be ecstatic to be married to them. Their wives have become spoiled, take their efforts for granted and have unrealistic expectations.

"Do women expect too much from their husbands or are men doing less for their wives than they should?" Cindy and I answer Harley's question with a "Yes and Yes!" We have found that both husbands and wives come into marriage with unrealistic (and often, unexpressed) expectations which set them up later for big problems as illustrated above. At one time or another in our nearly 38 years of marriage we've both been guilty of much of what Dr. Harley described. Cindy would readily admit that she expected too much from me and, sadly, I was neglectful of her needs.

To us, the bigger question relating to this subject is, "How can we change the pattern of divorce that is so pervasive in the Christian church today?" I think we found an answer simply stated in this quote from Walt Henrichsen in his devotional titled, Thoughts from the Diary of a Desperate Man: "You can do two things that most people cannot resist, love and serve them. Loving and serving is a ministry and you do not need special gifts to do it." Think about that this week. How can you love and serve each other?

Thanks to Steve and Cindy.

Family rebuild will be launching important materials on 27th Feb. These will be materials that families, Pastors, youth leaders or individual couples could use to strengthen the area of relationships and truth about sexual relationships from the Biblical concept. Please keep check for more details and you are warmly welcome to come and sponsor us.

Pastor Wangaruro.

The seven Family Prayers for 2010

To the esteemed friends of family rebuild. It is my joy to make a prayer for you at the turn of the year and as we embrace the new year. I would certainly also like to than all th readers of this column and invite more of your readership in 2010.  Please accept this prayer which has seven areas of prosperity. 

1) I pray that you experience the favour of God in 2010. May you increase in the knowledge of him through prayer and the word.

2) I also pray that through this Knowledge that you may purpose to drop any baggage that has pulled you behind from becoming the person God intended you to be. God will be download more to you if you have space in your heart. 

3) I pray that you may rise higher with wings like an eagle to heights that have not been discovered, to area of new strength. May your private times be warmed by his visitation which will leave you blessed like Jacob. May you excel like Isaac in the field of your business and earnings. He sowed the seed and in the same year reaped, The man became rich and he prospered and became great and the man became exceedingly great. Read Genesis 26.

4) I pray that in 2010  you will seek to serve other people, for in doing so you open doors for others to serve you.  May you learn to consider the interests of others for on the occasssion of your interest God will raise others to consider you.

5) I pray that in 2010 you will seek to strengthen the qualities that are likely to family unity such as Love, Trust, Forgiveness , Respect and Considerations.

6) I Pray that you will have the grace to bring up your children relevantly and inaccordance the acceptable norms both before GOD and men. May your family have governing measures to hedge your children from becoming extereme or loose in morals.

7) I pray that in 2010 you will be closer to family rebuild and identify with our objectives. We long to work with people who love family institution and whose desire is to raise a stable family amidst all modern challenge that we all encounter

In Jesus name , Amen

Peter Wangaruro

Messiah in our families 

“ and he shall be called a wonderful counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting father, Prince of peace.” Isaiah 9:6b

I find a lot of family life in the promised Messiah’s description. No wonder the church is likened to the family. We need to borrow the qualities that Jesus had and use them in our parenting style or relationships and our families will be excellent. A counselor is a good listener who seeks to understand your challenge and provides therapy in terms of positive suggestions that can help you come out of the challenge. A counselor best quality is ability to listen. Jesus as a wonderful counselor means he has no problem in his ears. He hears our cries when we call. He is such a source of help who is only a prayer away. His ear is inclined to the prayer of the righteous.

As a father or mother of your children do you have ears that hear? Children need a listening ear, they are more often dismissed and told to shut up but they need a listening ear. Be a good counselor to your children, otherwise another man hiding behind the TV or computer screen will advise them. his advice to them might not be what their dreams and your wishes for them are. Jesus knows our problems, he understands, he is touched by our infirmities. Do you understand the problems that your children go through, are you touched by them. if you have a teenager child you have got to be a little closer for they go through ‘bushes’ and think no body understands them. Most bushes can scratch, or have a burning sensation, be available with vapor rub, oil, and any other soothing substance. David said that, “his rod and stuff comforts me”. He needed comfort despite enjoying kingly privileges.

Those of us who are married we need to be a counselor to each other. Many times we go through moments of fear and turmoil, we are challenged by the things that we go through on daily basis. A husband needs a soothing wife and a wife a soothing husband. We are all human and vulnerable. If you cannot understand your spouse, who else will? If you cannot comfort your spouse, who else will? In Hebrews 4:15, “For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are, yet was without sin.” He is touched by what we go through because he has been through the same path.

Mighty God: Our God is unlimited in power. He is never defeated and his understanding no man can fathom. The scripture says that in the beginning there was the word and the word was with God and the word was God. It continues to say that nothing that is made that was made without him. Jesus lived even before he was born on earth, for indeed he and the father are the same. God is never ashamed when Jesus uses his name. Human beings have limited knowledge and do not know everything. The good ness is that we have been given a name that is above any other name. This is the name that we can use and it is bound to give us victory. If we learn to honor this name then victory will be on our side. May you teach your children that you are not the final; there is another one greater than you are. John the Baptist acknowledged that he was not the Messiah. He said that the one coming is mightier than I. May your children learn to honor authority and give respect where respect is due. We are living in the world where everybody has right but it would be failure on the part of the parent if we do not train our children to reverence God, honour the seniors and authority above us. I will share the other two later on.

(Please be on the lookout for the activities planned for next year. There will be programs for children youth and adults and we hope that this year round you will be more activities with family rebuild. I invite to take an active participatory role. There is something that you can do and together the community will be strengthened) email: familyrebuild@yahoo.co.uk.

Tough love good for children

A recent study shows that Children who grow up with parents who take a "tough love" approach to their upbringing are better prepared to do well in life, a report has suggested. Experiencing a combination of warmth and discipline means youngsters are more likely to develop skills such as application, self-regulation and empathy than those with laissez-faire, authoritarian or disengaged parents, according to the study.

The report said those characteristics boosted children's life chances, social mobility and opportunity and were profoundly shaped in pre-school years. According to the study, by think tank Demos, children with "tough love" parents were twice as likely to develop good character capabilities by the age of five than children with "disengaged" parents. The Building Character report, which analysed data from more than 9,000 households in the UK from the Millennium Cohort Study, also looked at factors such as family structure and income.

It found children from the richest backgrounds were more than twice more likely to develop crucial characteristics than the poorest. Children with married parents were twice more likely to show the traits than children from lone parent or step-parented families, the study found. When parental style and confidence were factored in, the difference in child character development between richer and poorer families disappeared, indicating parenting was the most important influence, the authors said. The same result occurred when the family structure factor was analysed. According to the report, other positive influences identified included the main carer's level of education, and breast-feeding.

Girls were more likely to develop character capabilities by the age of five, while no connection was found between paid employment of either parent and children's characteristics. It is quite interesting to get some support from research finding as a confirmation of what family rebuild has been propagating in the recent months. It has come out very clearly that parenting is the greatest factor that will shape the character of the child.

Those parents who wait until their children go to school for them to start the discipline will be for a big shock as the training needs to go hand in hand with feeding. Some children are given a soft sport to misbehave without being cautioned and positively corrected. Sometimes parents have no moral authority to guide the kids because of the disgraceful behaviour that they portray to the kid. Those of you who are married please strengthen your link and friendship as it is a basis for good parenting. Do not expect your children to be little angels when your hands are full of violence. What you serve is what those at the table feast on, your children deserve a better pace setter not from others but from you.

The problem of laying a shaky ground for children is that it becomes hard to straighten up an old tree if it bends. The English saying that it’s hard to teach old dog new tricks applies in discipline of children. It is the way that they start that matters. Why should parents be hopeful that there shall be a good ending for their sons and daughters when their input is awful? The nature of the seed determines the type of the fruit that will be produced.

God gave to the parent the responsibility for both reproduction and upbringing of the offspring. We are living in times when there are so many other people who will have influence on our children. The way you and I are is as a result of the influence of somebody else, or some people. The most successful business man and the most wanted criminal were the same at birth. Likewise the prostitute and the most responsible mother were the same at birth- the difference is the influence they got as they were growing up. People are always influenced by others, that is why Paul told the Corinthians “ do not be deceived bad company corrupts good morals” (1Cor 15:33).

What influence do you have on your child? Most parents who fail in their responsibility always look for an excuse, some one or authorities to blame. The research quoted above demonstrates the truth that one could be born in poverty but be given a rich guidance that will make him/her to become somebody. Another one could be born in affluence and receive weakling guidance and ends up an outcast in the society. We have many great people from Ghetos and also many criminals from rich backgrounds.

What do you want your child to become?  The answers lie on the discipline that you will give. That is what they have called tough love. Do not use love to cover your parental failure. I would suggest that you also aim to equip yourself as a parent with skills relevant to face the 21st century challenge. There are quite some good materials that we have prepared and I highly recommend that you get yourself some. Email: familyrebuild@yahoo.co.uk

Our website is being rephrase and being made user friendly, please visit it and for more resources.

Pastor Wangaruro.

Familyrebuild

 Neglected role- Where are you as parent?

This was a fantastic forward from a friend. Please read between the lines and apply wisdom on this parenting quest.

'They're standing on the corner and they can't speak English.

I can't even talk the way these people talk:

Why you ain't,
Where you is,
What he drive,
Where he stay,
Where he work,
Who you be...

 And I blamed the kid until I heard the mother talk.

And then I heard the father talk.

Everybody knows it's important to speak English except these knuckleheads.. You can't be a doctor with that kind of crap coming out of your mouth.

In fact you will never get any kind of job making a decent living talking like that.

People marched in streets and were hit in the face with rocks to have the right to get an Education, and now we've got these knuckleheads walking around talking like this.

The lower economic people are not holding up their end in this deal.

These people are not parenting. They are buying things for kids.

$500 sneakers for what ? ?

And they won't spend $200 for Hooked on Phonics so their kids can study.

I am talking about these people who sit and cry when their son is standing there in an orange suit.

Well, where were you when he was  2 ? ?

Where were you when he was 12 ? ?

Where where were you when he was 18 and how come you didn't know that he had a pistol or was getting high ? ? 

And where is the father ? ? Or who is his father ?

People putting their clothes on backward: Isn't that a sign of something gone wrong?

People with their hats on backward, pants down around the crack, isn't that a sign of something ?

Or are you standing around waiting for Jesus to pull his pants up ?

Isn't it a sign of something wrong when she has her dress all the way up and got all type of needles [piercing] going through her body?

What part of Africa did this come from??

We are not Africans. Those people are not Africans; they don't know a thing about Africa .

With names like Shaniqua, Taliqua and Mohammed and all of that crap . . .. . .

and all of them are in jail.

Brown or black versus the Board of Education is no longer the white person's problem.   Its our problem, we have got to take control of the neighborhood back.

 People used to be ashamed to have a baby out of wedlock. Today a woman has eight children with eight different 'husbands' -- or men or whatever you call them now, and its "ok"?

We have millionaire football players who cannot read.  
 We have million-dollar basketball players who can't write two paragraphs.    We, as black folks have to do a better job.

 Someone working at Wal-Mart with seven kids? come on  you are hurting us.

We have to start holding each other up to a higher standard and raise our expectations.

 We cannot blame the white people any longer.'   We are the problem now.

 Dr. William Henry 'Bill' Cosby, Jr., Ed.D. 

Just look at a very recent data. For this reason we must aim higher.

GCSE results by ethnic group and region (Times Online October 30, 2008)

GCSE results for 2006/07 indicate that 49 per cent of mixed-race pupils from the North East gained five good GCSEs with English and Maths compared to 42 per cent of white pupils living in the same area. In the South East 53.9 per cent of mixed race pupils reached the benchmark compared with just 49.5 per cent of white children.

More than a third of teenagers sitting GCSEs in 2006/07 failed to gain five good grades in any subject. Black pupils living in the South West of the country came out bottom of the GCSE results pile with just 26.1 per cent obtaining five good grades including English and Maths.

But students of Chinese origin living in the South East did the best with 77.8 per cent reaching the Government’s benchmark. Across the board pupils of Asian origin performed the best with 48.1 per cent of those in England gaining five good grades including in English and Maths.

Ethnic Group Percentage Achieving 5 A* to C including English and Maths

Asian 48.1

White 46.0

Mixed 44.0

Chinese 42.4

Black 37.0

What is your influence on your child’s performance

by Peter Wangaruro

I have been talking to the Kenyan community about the performance of our children, the black kids. It is unfortunate that some people think otherwise even when the data vividly indicates the meager performance. The 37% shown above does not represent Kenyan pupils; it involves all pupils from Africans, Caribbean, Bangladesh etc. We cannot say that all the Kenyan kids are not performing, but this should worry any visionary parent who has a child in school. The data above was 2008 and likely in 2009 results there were probably some improvements but are not sure if it changed the above order. Parents who have children at the primary school level please get to understand what is going on with your child. Understand the level at which he is working at and get to know what else you can do to help your child. Remember the data will be transferable from primary to secondary. If you think that your child will wake up when at secondary level then you are just living a lie.

Just look around in your neighborhood or church and check how many of young adults progress to A- levels and then the university. If you find many then that is good and encouraging but check how many of those at the universities are at the top UK universities. Do not stop checking how many of all those attending universities are ambitious and pursuing well paying career building courses. I know very well that people can make careers from anything if they are that brainy, but how many of us are? Is it not unfortunate that our youngsters are opting for cheaper courses where they will do less of challenging units? Is it not true that we are likely to have influenced them through cheap talk that we engage in as far as education is concerned or lack of career guidance has taken its toll? What do you say when you talk about your school days when talking to friends or family members? Do you feel proud that you were a negative star or a positive star? Do you portray education as not important just because you are making some good money? Maddoff was a billionaire through dubious methods; he lost it in one day and landed in prison. Goodness me with good education it is certain, nobody can imprison the value of your brain unless yourself.

If for instance you failed in your secondary school GCSE/KCSE or if your behavior was not desirable, do you ever feel remorseful that you failed and misbehaved or do you laugh and fill the atmosphere with your ‘Character’ euphoria? Your hard spirit still refreshes in you with excitement without making an apology that you wasted an opportunity. If at all you caught up later and progressed with your career, it would be good to let the youngsters know that you would have moved faster and higher had you not wasted the precious opportunity. We have to teach positive things to the youngsters from anything that has happened to us whether positive or negative.

Those of you who have succeeded through hard work there is a temptation to feel as though your success is transferable to your children. This school of thought would be disastrous as it is not true. Let your children succeed on their own merit. Make life easier for them but let them not miss to become the person their potential can allow. Is it possible that we have the youngsters who will be pursuing sciences and become Doctors, Pharmacists, Engineers, Pilots, Researchers, Educators, Accountants, and so on?  With all due respect we also need people qualified in the other disciplines. Ensure that this motivation begin right from when the child is born. Let no body including yourself tells your child that he/she cannot become.

Family Rebuild has very important and affordable materials on parenting and personal development, I urge all parents to do their best to get a copy. Who knows what am saying today could be what will change your child for good. Remember equipping yourself for the task of parenting is a great investment and worthy more than silver. To order for the DVDs please call 07940105578 or write an email: familyrebuild@yahoo.co.uk.

Marriage is Hard Work

In my pursuit for a better marriage I will always equip myself and those who care to read or listen the relevant messages posted here or elsewhere. God bless you for being concerned about your marriage that you are reading this article at this time. Please keep praying for your marriage and work harder to bring peace as far it depends on you. welcome to this Article by a family ministers from America,(Cindy and Steve wright). Pastor Wangaruro.

Welcome to the article: Marriage is Hard Work

“More couples than not (from all we have met and have read about) seem to approach marriage with FANTASY EYESIGHT, believing that their love is so unique and different from other couples they know – that their love will just continue to grow deeper and richer as time goes on. They might even acknowledge that they will encounter “bumps” along the road of life, but believe that “at least they will be able to ride over them together, rather than alone” after they marry.

YEP! We’ve been there and believed that one too! And what a slippery slope of fantasy we found we had embraced, after we woke up to reality and then tried to figure out what to do next, before our marriage died from the fall! We thank God that He led us to be “STUBBORNLY MARRIED” so we could survive and even learn how to thrive and build our marriage into a good one. But it hasn’t come easily (and still doesn’t at times) … a good marriage takes hard work!

Lets face it, whatever you don’t maintain usually falls apart! That’s true in marriage, just as it is in other areas of life. Try filling your car with gas one time and then keep driving it “from this day forward” without doing anything else to maintain it and see how far you go. Try fixing up your house and then let it go from there and see how great a place it is to live in over the next 50 years or so. How about letting your garden grow itself without putting in any work to maintain it? How well do you think it would do without putting in some work to help it to grow? 

Try feeding and clothing your children in the beginning of their lives, say a year or two, and then let them fend for themselves after that while you sit around and watch TV and “do your own thing” whenever you’re home and see how well they do! Would they thrive? No. So why do any of us think it will work if we apply the same principle to marriage? If you ignore it, it will break down, crumble, starve and eventually collapse (and injure you and many others in the process).

Marriage is an explorative journey – one where a man and woman live in sacred partnership for a lifetime, helping each other become all God created them to be – both as individuals and as a couple – united in purpose by God, as a “cord of three strands”. When we don’t realize that mission or we ignore the hard work it takes to maintain and live this out, we fall short of having a marriage like the Bridegroom and Bride of Christ – united, as God would have us!

Marriage is a sacred union, a journey, and a mission that isn’t to be entered into by those who want to cling to selfism – individuals who don’t want to do the hard work it takes to unite in partnership in how they approach life “from this day forward.”

“Do two walk together unless they have agreed to do so?” (Amos 3:3). In marriage, we are to agree together with God to walk united in His purpose. We won’t always think alike, but we are to work to think TOGETHER.

“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend [or spouse] can help him up… Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken” (see: Ecclesiastes 4:9-12). If you haven’t yet, and you are fighting against each other in what should be a marriage partnership, today is the day to join hands for a NEW BEGINNING, united together with God. 

“’Haven’t you read,’ [Jesus] replied, ‘that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate’” (Matthew 19:4-7). Please understand that you can separate each other in your attitudes as well as physically. 

If this is what you are doing, ask God to show you HOW to join together – despite the problems you are now experiencing. The Bible says, “Where there is no vision, the people perish.” And so do a lot of marriages! Pray for a new vision. Pray for eyes that help you to see each other and your marriage as God sees each of you and your marriage. God can make all things new, and that includes resurrecting dead feelings, restoring sight to the emotionally blind, and healing the emotionally sick. God can create that which is “good” out of nothing. If He created the heavens and the earth, He certainly is capable of doing His creation work within each of you.

If you married someone you shouldn’t have or you have been disobedient as God’s child in how you have conducted yourself in your marriage, then look to God. His grace is amazing! He can “make your paths straight” if you “trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean no on your own understanding” and “in all your ways acknowledge Him” (see: Proverbs 3:5-6). He is there for all who seek Him – all who are eager to learn His ways.

“The Lord is faithful to all his promises and loving toward all he has made. The LORD upholds all those who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down. The eyes of all look to you, and you give them their food at the proper time. You open your hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing. The Lord is righteous in all his ways and loving toward all he has made. The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. He fulfills the desires of those who fear him; he hears their cry and saves them” (Psalm 145:13-19).

We encourage you to put in the hard work it takes to make your marriage the best it can be – one in which it is evident that God is at work. Become STUBBORNLY MARRIED – be tenacious in staying together, praying together (if your spouse will participate… if not, pray alone); ask God for wisdom in learning what you need to overcome the relationship obstacles before you in your marriage. Recognize that “Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen your love and reverence, trust, and obedience for Jesus Christ. Marriage is not about you” (Emerson Eggerichs). 

Marriage is a vehicle you take on your journey with God through your life this side of heaven. Please do what you can to maintain that vehicle so it is in the best condition that is possible.

And as you do that, not only will the journey be more fulfilling for you, you may find others who will want to know your God better as they are curious about “how you do it” – how you live your life in this way. You will be “communicating the gospel with and without words” in how you live your life as a living testimony within your marriage – pointing them to the empowerment one can experience through a personal and on-going relationship with God through Jesus Christ. 

We hope you will – to make it your goal to “reveal the heart of Christ” within your marriage. In doing so, we are confident that more will seek Him and come to know Him in a personal way!

God bless you.

Pastor peter Wangaruro

Familyrebuild

British Education System

It is a fact that our children are not performing as well as they should in schools. We are rated below the Asians and the Chinese. As a block the Afro-Caribbean pupils have under performed for many years and a time for change has come. Considering Africa as a block, Nigerian children are performing well. From my interaction with parents and some teachers from Kenya we can say that our (Kenya) parents needs to be open to embrace the right information that will raise their leverage to supporting their children who are in school. It is not good to let your child miss the opportunity to excel in such a nation as we are in.

Where are missing it?

Most parents were educated outside the UK, as a result they are not very conversant with the British education system. Many parents keep comparing the British system with the Kenyan or their country’s system of education, and tend to be negative about the British system. Well their conclusion is mainly based on ignorance, for it is human nature to dismiss what he does not comprehend.(Remember the Hyena’s conclusion when he could not get the ripe fruits, he said,  even they are not ripe). Britain is a first world nation and has very high precision engineering plants, they have good medical facilities, and they are developed, despite any body’s negative attitude on their education system. If their system was bad how come that they are an authority in so many fields that required educated brains.

My assessment as a teacher

As a teacher I feel quite a painful pinch when I meet our own kids who are least motivated and wearing a don’t care attitude. Worse still when I hear parents speak in the presence of their kids how bad the system. The fact of the matter is that the British system of education would be very suitable for our children as it is less stressing and any child of average intelligence can easily get top grades if he be focused.

What should we do?

The system requires a lot of input from the parents and it is absolutely important that a parent be well informed of the system. Family rebuild has been offering seminars on Education and many parents who have attended the seminars can attest to the fact that they have benefited. Unfortunately there are those parents who prioritise others things at the expense of their children. This time round Family rebuild is seeking to co work with many local groups within England where foreign people are settled.

Up coming Seminar in Reading

Date : Saturday 26th September 2009: Time 2.00pm-6.00pm

Venue: Tile Hurst Methodist Church, School road, Tila Hurst Reading Rg31 5AR

FACILITATOR: Pastor Wangaruro, * ( a teacher, a pastor and  the host of family rebuild broadcaster)

Welcome to the seminar and let the veil be removed and your child will start being different at school and home. For the purpose of cost sharing to host the seminar please come with £10. Rebate available for a couple (fiver)

knowledge is better than ignorance. Look at this statement from our Africa Hero and a respected leader Nelson Mandela, “Education is the most important tool which we can use to change the world.

We look forward to come to

Oxford

Manchester

Coventry-again

London

Nottingham

If you think your town can benefit from these seminars please contact familyrebuild on familyrebuild@yahoo.co.uk or call Pastor Wangaruro on 07940105578.

Your family matters

Message for every family man

Your family matters not only to you but also to God. Actually God is the main stake holder in your family he has only allowed you to be a steward. You cannot make the mistake of taking stewardship lightly for you shall be required to give an account. A steward looks after the estate that has bee entrusted unto him. He is actually like the care taker of a property. The caretaker determines who come in or leaves the facility. He locks and opens. He identifies the areas that need maintenance and applies it. Why? Because the property has been entrusted unto him.

As a man, God has given you the role of stewardship of your family, you are the head and that is not disputable. You are required to watch over and identify which areas need maintenance. Identify what or who can criss cross you family. This means a lot for it means that the ma should ensure that his wife and children are comfortable. He should have eyes that see so that in case everything is not functioning then he addresses the issue.

A family where the woman is depressed and the man does not know will continue lacking joy and lifelines, for a woman has the ability to bring these two vital qualities. A man should always ensure that there is continuity of good relationship between him and the wife. Desertion is usually a result of negligence of small issues that escalate and builds up to become big issues. Issues will always be there in life but failing to address them is the greatest failure in family leadership. Your wife is important to you, so important that ignoring her feelings is shipwrecking your dreams of a good family. Are you looking after the interests of your wife appropriately? When last did you give hear a time to just talk her heart to you? When last did you have a time to walk and talk together? Who did you eat nyama choma with the last time you were out? When did you last accompany her shopping? Or is this feministic role? When last did you offer to cook for the family? Or are you bound by the kitchen taboo? The fact is your wife matters. You need to enjoy her now when she is strong and a life so that in death you will not have many regrets. 

If the children are not talking it means they are resenting something and the man should also address the matter. Children should never be allowed to behave in which ever they want. They should be guided and directed on what to do when things are not right. There will be times when things are not right, for life has ups and downs, but the response that the child or an adult takes determines the outcome. The modern parents have been influenced by the “rights world” and the children’s behaviour has been ignored under the disguise of their rights. The greatest child abuse is bringing up an irresponsible or undisciplined child. When last did you last to your children express themselves to their dad? When last did you take your sons aside to give them the manly counsel? When last did you discuss the issues that have failed many families with your young adult children? When last were you open to your children and gave them a leading towards their destiny? You can only guide them when they are young, past a certain age it might be too late. The influence surrounding them is big and overwhelming, and they need to get something from you as a dad.

You are a steward and it is expected that a steward be found faithful.

Note: We have very important parenting materials on DVD please order for them , for it has ever been as necessary to be a prepared parent as it is now.

Pastor Wangaruro. Familyrebuild@yahoo.co.uk Tel: 07940105578.

I would like to introduce very important materials from familyrebuild and transformations. It is materials for equipping families and personalities. Remember unless you equip yourself you remain the same, face the same problems, and at the same results.

Notice 1

Family rebuild is currently off air due to lack of funds. May I make a appeal to may of those who identify with the good work that the program has done to please stretch a hand of kindness and support us now. We are so thankful for those who have stood with us this far, in the midst of the credit crunch. Please contact us if you would like to share in this good work. Pastor Wangaruro( 07940105578: familyrebuild@familyrebuild.co.uk

Notice 2

We have very good DVDs on parenting and we would like to invite every parent to get them for the benefit of 21st century parenting. We need to be equipped if our children will make it in this competitive world. Other materials available on DVDs are the personal development training from Transformations institute. Please get yourself a copy. You are better off Knowledge rather than ignorant. Thanks Pastor Wangaruro( 07940105578: familyrebuild@yahoo.co.uk

Rebuilding our Community

Scriptural quotes

And all Judah stood before the Lord with their children and their wives. This was the starting point for the defeat of the Ammonites who had caused fear and threat to them. 2Chronicles 20:13

And all Judah gathered to ask help from the Lord: even out of all the cities of Judah came to seek the Lord. Verse 4

And they rose early in the morning and went forth into wilderness of Tekoa: and as they went forth Jehosphat stood and said, believe in the Lord your God so shall ye be established; believe his prophets, so shall ye prosper. 1Chronicles 20:21

Righteousness exalted a nation but sin is a reproach to any people. Proverbs 14:34

Making a change

1) The Unfading immunity against bad families is one that is provided by God the author of marriage and family. God is the product owner of marriage and family. Any concept about family that differs from what God intended the family to be is strange and ignited from Hell.  (They stood the husband, the wives and the children)

2) The best teacher for any child is the parent. Parents do not have to go to teaching college, they just need to play their role and the child will informally learn.  God has given the parenting mandate to the parent, especially to the man.

ü     Ignorance and arrogance have one thing in common they can hinder you from becoming a somebody.

ü     Ignorance is the failure to be engaged or to do something just because you did not know.(i did not know). Ignorance makes you say you do not know even what you know.

ü     Arrogance is the refusal to do something even though you know it is important for you just because of a superiority complex, or pride. Arrogance makes you to say that you know even what you do not know.

My people perish for lack of knowledge.

3) A community that will prevail will need to restore the altar of the living God which this far has been neglected. What do you think about a community where

·        People attend pubs more that they do church,

·        they waste more than they safe,

·        they hate one another more than they love each other,

·        they are repelled by their spouses more than they are attracted,

·        They distance themselves from their children more than they draw closer to them.

·        they watch Tv more than they watch and pray

·        they feast more than they fast

·        They want blessings more than the one that blesses

May I remind you people except the Lord builds the house, the labourers do it in vain. We need to restore the altar, we need to think again.

 2chronicle 7:14, If my people who are called according to my name shall humble themselves, turn away from their wicked ways and pray then I shall hear from heaven

4) The mind of a 21st century youth

·        Achiever’s mind- see the possibility, believe it is possible,

·        Be bold and passionately grab life opportunities

·        Be consistent and have the patience to wait. Do not rush immediate gratification. Delay is not denial. ( as it may hinder prolonged enjoyment in future.

·        De-link from all the appearance of evil. There are many wanting you get hold of you but you must resist it ferociously. Cain was told by God, If you do well, will you not be accepted? And if you do not do well, sin lies (crouches) at your door) its desires is for you but you must master it. Genesis 4:7

5)    Qualities of Good parenting  

·        Be available for your children. Talk to them and connect them to other professionals, pastors, role models to talk to them.

·        Show love but do not use this as a cover up for your failed responsibility

·        Train up your child in the right way, train him up for life

·        Set a good example to your children, you might be the only standard that they know

·        Do not be too soft, lenient, neither do not be too harsh rest you scare and cause pain in your children.

·        Have agreed rules at home which must be respected, reward good behaviour and reprimand bad behaviour

·        Do not let your children undermine and render you irrelevant by being out of control

·        Do not think that anybody else will do it on your behalf.

·        Pray for your children and pray with your children.

·        Do not forget yourself for you need to take care of yourself.

Rebuilding our community

The only immunity against negative influence is good discipline. A good discipline prepares the path for a good name. A good name is better than perfume. Ecclesiastes 7:1a.

The only shield against foolishness is good correction, “Folly is bound in the heart of a child but the rod of correction removes it from him. Proverbs 22:15.

Do not be deceived bad companion ruins good morals. 1Corinthians 15: 33 He that walketh with the wise men shall be wise and the companion of fools shall be destroyed. Proverbs 13; 20.

• Ignorance and arrogance have one thing in common they can hinder you from becoming a somebody, they may keep you in darkness when you should in the light.

• Ignorance is the failure to be engaged or to do something just because you did not know.(i did not know). Ignorance makes you say you do not know even what you know.

• Arrogance is the refusal to do something even though you know it is important for you just because of a superiority complex, or pride. Arrogance makes you to say that you know even what you do not know.

• Peer influence

2 Samuel 13;2

Absalom son of David had a fair sister whose name was Tamar, and Amnon (her half brother) son of David loved her. And Amnon was so troubled that he fell sick for his (half)sister Tamar  for she was a virgin and Amnon thought it impossible for him to do anything to her –

Amnon knew his standards, he had good mind, he was pulling his chord wondering what he could do because Tamar was his sister?

He was incubating lust, he had a weak character.  A good rebuke would have brought him back to his senses. Lust removes you from the reality of love and you start desiring a woman or a man who is not yours, and that is inviting death to yourself.

Did you know that whoso commiteth adultery with a woman lacketh understanding; he that doeth it destroyeth his own soul. Proverbs 6:32

But Amnon had a friend whose name was Jonadab son of Shimeah, david’s brother ; and Jonadab was a very crafty man. Verse 2

Amnon lacked character and behaved like one of the fools in Israel, could not differentiate his own sister and other women. There is need to differentiate, times and nature. Amnon sought for advice from the wrong sources. Jonadab a crafty man. Who is your closest confidant? Do not assume that it can never be you; as long as your advisers are crafty you will fall into their trap.  Amnon refused to listen to the sister who was sane, rational and informed, he worked out evil which lead to his death.

• Do not let bodily lust and pressure move you into silly things.

• Do not just do it because others are doing it because you are unique and your victory does not depend on them but your failure might be hooked in their foolishness.

• Ignorance will lead into moral depravity and spiritual fall out.

• Ignorance and foolishness are a brother and sister; they deny one a chance to think a second time. It makes one to ignore instructions.

• Parental Negligence

1st Samuel 3

A man of God prophesied against the house of Eli.

Why do you honour your sons more than me by fattening yourselves on the choice parts of every offerings made by my people? 1Samuel 2:31 I will judge his family forever because of sin he knew about: his sons made themselves contemptible, and he failed to strain them. 1Samuel 3:13. Therefore I swore to the house of Eli, the guilt of Eli’s house will never be atoned for by sacrifice or offering. 1 Samuel 3:14

And he said unto them, why do you do such things? For I hear of your evils dealings by this people, nay my sons: for it is not good report that i hear; ye make the Lord’s people to transgress.  Notwithstanding they hearkened not unto the voice of their father... 1Samuel 3:23-25

Eli was Heavy, Old and Blind. Heavy meaning he was well financially, he had eaten enough of god things, Old means he was a tired man, he lacked fervence  he was not quick to think and act, Blind means he was not visionary, he was thinking about himself and not other, he could not see beyond himself. My business person

Eli remained for so long without knowing that his sons were doing contemptible things, he was supposed to be in charge but he had given his children all the freedom until they began to abuse it.

They disregarded God, they dishonoured the altar, they ate the fat that was not meant to be theirs and they slept with women who served at the door of the tabernacle.

Eli’s two sons, died the same day, Eli also died, the daughter in law died and the glory of God departed from Israel. 

• What has been your input to your children and how serious are you in this stormy world?
• Are you as ignorant as Eli, the prophet, who never knew what his sons were eating the meat they were not supposed to eat?
• Did you know that the fact that children have completed year 11 at 16 that alone does not make them mature?
• Any freedom has to be accompanied with responsibility; Freedom ranges from controlled freedom-for the young, supervised freedom for teens, task oriented freedom, and timed freedom, and freedom with caution.
• Do not just allow your children to go hanging around, always in the park, always for out with mates at night, being 16 is not a sign of maturity and is also not immunity from negative influence. Having a big body is not equal to maturity.
• Qualities of Good parenting  
• Be available for your children. Talk to them and connect them to other professionals, pastors, role models to talk to them.
• Show love but do not use this as a cover up for your failed responsibility
• Train up your child in the right way, train him up for life
• Set a good example to your children, you might be the only standard that they know
• Do not be too soft, lenient, neither do not be too harsh rest you scare and cause pain in your children.
• Have agreed rules at home which must be respected, reward good behaviour and reprimand bad behaviour
• Do not let your children undermine and render you irrelevant by being out of control
• Do not think that anybody else will do it on your behalf.
• Pray for your children and pray with your children.
• Do not forget yourself for you need to take care of yourself.

Wedding anniversary! Good or bad?

There are many people who in the past have enquired from me whether it is good to do a marriage wedding anniversary. The starting point is for us to understand what happened during the wedding day. The wedding day should be the day that your marriage officially starts. A wedding day is the day when you gave vows to each other and exchanged rings or other gifts before witnesses and before God. My answer to that question would be yes. If you have a problem with that tell me why you remember your birth day, if we even remember the birth days of our pets, how dare we assume that the birth days of our spouses are of no significance? To make matters worse we forget the day that we stepped out of single hood to form a family.

Marriage was instituted by God and from his word he has commanded that people should respect the institution of marriage. (Hebrews 13:4)The way people embrace marriage has a great significance on the things that they do while in it and with it. Some people think that it is right to enter into marriage and then come out at will, while God has from the beginning made marriage as an institution with permanence. Others think it is okay to beat their loved ones while it is love that binds them together. Others cherish being difficult and disrespectful to their spouses while God orders that there be submission, respect and love as a canopy for the marriage.

Some other people mix up marriage and worldly policies. They engage with members of opposite sex and even have children and yet claim that they are not married just because they have no certificate. Marriage is not determined by a certificate for the scripture teaches us that when a man sleeps with a woman they become one flesh. You might ask then, “Does it mean all the people that I have slept with are my wives and husbands?” the answer to that question is,  it was never the will of God right from the beginning for a man to sleep with a woman who is not his wife. God’s standard has not changed it is only that men have deviated and disrespected the command of God. All the deviations that we see today are contrary to the will of God. This kind of activity defames, dishonors, and disrespects marriage. The marriage bed should be kept undefiled for God will punish all who are sexually immoral.

Anniversary

People should in the real sense celebrate every anniversary after a year. There is a season for everything under the earth. If God has given you grace to live another year with your wife then have a time to celebrate and thank him for such a victory. It is not necessary to call people but if you have close friends then share with them your joy. Some people would not like to celebrate just because they had a difficult year. The way out is to appreciate one another and be happy that there was progress.

It is a time for reflection, thanksgiving and refocusing. People can always start their marriage with vigor every year for they will have reflected on their failures, apologized to each other and mapped a strategy for forward moving. An anniversary is a time of telling God thank you for your help and strength to live with this woman/man despite all the ups and downs. It is time to thank each other also; many times people take important things for granted. Anything you treat as a little thing will give you little results.  Therefore do not find it difficult to tell your wife thank you for all the times she has cooked for you, put up with you, slept with you and worked for the best interest of your family and vise versa.

Some days are valued than others or rather superior activities are done in some days and not others for instance if you have been with your spouse for five years that is a great land mark. You might need to call your best couple and you celebrate together. As you do this you are giving marriage the right emphasis. You actually need to ask your pastor to pray together with you. Ten is a greater number than five. By this time you will have gone through many valleys and many hills. The olive shoots (children) are probably there giving joy to you and this is something worth of thanksgiving. People do anniversaries for their dead family friends just because of their precious memories. What about you when you are alive? Get a bit alive and celebrate your marriage anniversary for in death there will be no celebration. You have this life once and you can only afford to maximize the utility and enjoyment. Therefore do not spend your marriage as though after ten years you will start again. Make the best out of it today.

The trend continues on and on until after twenty five years where a silver anniversary is celebrated. I would urge all those married for twenty years to make silver anniversary as their next target if God allows them. I believe by the time you are twenty five years in marriage you have many friends, you have children and likely you are heading to be a granny if not one already. The next major one is usually the fiftieth anniversary (golden jubilee) and only a few manage to wait for it. Value your marriage and you will see the reason to celebrate.

I repeat again to you friends make use of your anniversaries. Use your anniversary to strengthen your relationships or to MOT your marriage. If companies can celebrate and reward their longest serving staff, why not you in your 10th 20th, or 30th wedding anniversary? Your marriage is your company and you are co-directors with your wife. There is no rule and no body is under any obligation to do an anniversary. The bottom line is that marriage must be respected at all costs (Hebrews 13:3-4).

Remember to contact family for advice or counseling session. If at all you have any words of encouragement please write to us on familyrebuild@yahoo.co.uk.

The little secrets that destroy marriage

Dear Friends of family rebuild.

It is my sincere hope that you have been working on your love as the previous article was dealing with. I am always committed to elevate and equip marriages and people in general as that is what God has called me to fulfill. Please take time and read through this article and then reflect on your life with all sincerity. This article is through the courtesy of marriage missions.

“Over and over again we see little secrets that engaged and married couples keep apart from each other that are destroying their relationships. They're subtle at first, but eventually as they grow in the darkness of secrecy they can overtake that which was once good.
 
In thinking about this, we're reminded of the scripture that says, "Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards, our vineyards that are in bloom" (Song of Songs 2:15). These "foxes" are those things that can disturb a relationship to the point where the root system is too trampled upon to grow any further and so it shrivels and instead dies.

There are many of these "foxes" that can destroy. Two of them that come immediately to mind is the computer and cell phones. We love the positive ways in which they help us communicate, but they can sure undermine and destroy marriages.

When a person spends so much time on the computer that it robs their spouse and family of time they need together... the computer time is a "little fox". Are you giving this disruptor more time than you should? And what about television... is that a little fox that you're spending too much time with, so that you are neglecting that which should be more important to you? We've had to battle this one at times in our own marriage and have had to make necessary adjustments when needed. How about you?
 
And when a husband (or wife) uses their computer to look at unclothed images of people other than their spouse, that is more of a big wolf than just a little fox. A good vow to make is, "I will set before my eyes no vile thing" (Psalm 101:3). Isn't that a vow God would ask of a spouse to save their marriage? "Can a man scoop fire into his lap without his clothes (or marriage) being burned?" The answer is no. Jesus said, "I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart" (Matthew 5:28).
 
This same principle applies to chat rooms as well. Adultery of the heart and emotions is still adultery -- even if your spouse cheats... it doesn't justify cheating on your part. Stay away and "flee" (as the Bible exhorts) from places of temptation. Chat rooms are a great vehicle which the enemy of our faith uses to end marriages. Over and over again, we hear from those who start out "innocently" chatting -- even those who are trying to "help" someone of the opposite sex with a problem, only to end up giving their heart to them as well.

And what about cell phones? When a spouse hides his or her cell phone from their spouse, trying to block them from seeing certain calls they are making or receiving (by leaving the room so the other spouse doesn't know who's calling)... WATCH OUT!!! That is a form of cheating. If you have nothing to hide, you will hide nothing. And marriage isn't about hiding, but rather uniting and "cleaving" as God tells us. Secret calls separate and shows a lack of trustworthiness!

"Being trustworthy means building transparency into the relationship, says Willard F Harley Jr., founder of Marriage Builders and author of several books about preventing affairs, including 'Love Busters: Protecting Your Marriage From Habits That Destroy Romantic Love.' 'There are many steps couples can take to shield their marriage from secrecy and infidelity, Mr Harley told me recently. For instance, couples should have each other's cell phone and e-mail information 'at their disposal.' If there already has been an infidelity problem, a couple should review e-mails together before erasing them, he said. 'Trust, to me, is earned, not assumed.'" (Cheryl Wetzstein from the article "Trust and the Kitchen Sink" Washington Times, July 26, 2009)

In the above mentioned newspaper article, Cheryl writes what Louisiana State University professor Loren Marks shares with his students concerning trustworthiness. She writes:

"'About five years ago,' he said, 'I came home from work, and my wife said, 'I need to run to K-mart.' And I said, 'Well, when we talked at lunch on the phone today, you said you had already gone there this morning.' And she said, 'I did, but when I got home, I realized the cashier hadn't charged me for this $52 sink fixture that I'd bought.' And so she ran out the door, went to K-Mart, went to the customer-service line and they didn't quite know what to do with her. Apparently that's not a problem they have very often -- someone coming back, complaining that they weren't charged.
 
"And she said, 'Well why don't I go through the line as if I'm going through the first time, and that way you guys can get your money, and I have a clear conscience, and we can both go on happy.' And they said, 'Fine.'

"And I tell the students, 'That's my love story.' And they look at me with amused and puzzled eyes. And I say, 'Let me explain. None of you in here know my wife, but let me ask you a question. How much sleep do you think I lose at night wondering whether my wife is being faithful to me or not?' And After some thought, someone will say, 'None.' And I'll say, 'That's right, but why?' 'Well, you know, she took the sink back,' they will say. And I'll say, 'That's right. And if I can give you a piece of advice based on what I've seen personally and professionally, it would be to marry someone who will take the sink back. And, to work toward being the kind of person who will take the sink back."

A person who takes "the sink back" is a person of integrity. If you are not yet married, we pray you will marry a person of integrity who will hold to these high standards all the days of their life. "Integrity has been defined as 'who you are when no one is looking.' A person of integrity is convinced that the unrelenting pursuit toward wholeness and godliness is more valuable than fairness. Integrity has nothing to do with how the other person's behaving. It's doing what is consistent with the person you want to be regardless of the external environment. And serenity of spirit cannot be achieved until we accept full responsibility for our own actions and feelings rather than letting our spouse's behavior determine how we behave" (from the book "Authentic Marriages" by Jeff and Lora Helton).

A person of integrity does not play in secrecy with "little foxes" that will try to sneak problems into his or her life. We encourage you to work to be that type of spouse -- even if your spouse is not. Please do not entertain the enemy of our faith any further than possible. Lets strive together to poke holes in the darkness, instead of contributing energy to it. May God bless you as you strive to be a spouse of integrity, trustworthiness and faithfulness.

Remember to keep praying for family rebuild. If the Lord put it upon your heart to bless this ministry please do it. We are out to help marriages and we need resources to facilitate continuity like for our TV program. Please pray but also be practical.  you can be in touch with us on familyrebuild@yahoo.co.uk, or by calling pastor Wangaruro on 07940105578.

Love

Welcome to Family rebuild and be ready to build up your love for your spouse, family and friends. Have an open mind and you will reap more benefits from this teaching. From an English dictionary love is defined as a deep affection or fondness. Other words that have been used for love are admiration, attachment, friendship, liking, and devotion. These are just but different segments (branches) of love and none of them can stand for all others. Love can also be divided in branches of commitment, intimacy, and romance. Love will only be sweet if all segments are functional coherently. Using one segment of love and ignoring the others will produce a malnourished relationship. A successful marriage could only be possible where all the segments of love are allowed to play.

This Pillar of Love is one of the main ingredients in a marriage relationship as it bonds a couple together in friendship. In marriage two people seek to operate on a

common platform through agreement. It is not easy to agree if people do not like it. A couple that will move together and have an attachment must have a great liking

for it. Friend do like each other and have overly fondness for each other. This pillar therefore calls for spouse to have this fondness, the inseparable, and devotion to

each other.

Love like a magnet has an attraction effect which creates admiration and deep affection. It not only draws people together but it also supplies the ingredients that hold

them together. Any couple that is married and miss the dimension where they admire each other will certainly struggle to remain together. Where there is no attraction

in marriage then there is repulsion. I really thank God that despite all the challenges that life has presented for the last fifteen years we always keep attraction switch on

in our marriage. It was difficult at start but we deliberately developed this quality which tends to keep our marriage younger. Do not be under any illusion that we have

made it, we are still working on it for  love is our project until death.

Marital Love is a project that closes in death

Self giving love

A famous quote made by the late US president John F. Kennedy back in the early 1960’s states that, “Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country”   I believe that  President Kennedy wanted to see the Americans involved and active in building their country which would in return bring good for them. Genuine love is self giving; it seeks to give not to be given. Each spouse needs to address this ‘Kennedy question’ if their marriage is to be successful. 

“God demonstrate his love for us in that while we were yet sinners Christ died for us” Romans 5:8.

The scripture above shows that love can be demonstrated through giving or sacrificing one’s own for the sake of another. Most marriages are rocked at this position where spouse are rigid and fail to quit from the selfishness canoe. A measure of successful marriage is therefore when a spouse seeks to make positive contribution in the relationship despite the cost. It may mean forgiving one’s spouse, standing on the gap, or helping the chores without complaining. Love that does not have visible features is empty and does not reinforce the stability of a marriage relationship. This means that a successful marriage is not a theory class but it is like a workshop where theories are applied practically.

Love must be demonstrated, felt, received and then enjoyed

MOTIVATIONAL COURSES IN LONDON

Dear beloved

It gives me pleasure to write you a note at this time, trusting you and your family are all-round well. I believe that the grace of the Lord has kept you sound, strong and fighting on.

We have also been fine together with my family. God has graciously helped us and we have contended the faith walk with courage and determination. My Nigeria Mission was very successful and we really thank God for the victory. May God bless you for all your support and prayers. This information come to you for you are absolutely treasured and we pray for your progress.

We have very good news besides family rebuild. The Lord has given us a platform to offer some personal development courses for the benefit of enriching our communities. We have developed some courses suitable to arouse dormant potential, puff the smouldering wick to flames, and restore hope and confidence to those who have reached their end.

It is my passion to equip people to soar higher as they get motivated to dare the uncommon.

The course is suitable for parents,  community leaders, Church leaders, and any other person who desires to quit from the comfort zones that kill ambition. Young people also of ages 15 and above are not except. May i say that this is time for our community to be awaken or accelerated as other communities are utilising such opportunities very well.

There will be a charge of £10 per session for those who will do it within July. In London it will be on Monday 27th at Manor Park Community Centre, High Street North, E12 6QN. Time 7.00pm-9.00pm. It is important to keep time as we seek to develop ourselves. We will are targeting to take the same course to Coventry on Tuesday 28th July.

I must apologize for not Launching this department earlier, a thing that has denied many people an impetus into greatness.

Take this as your moment of change and breakthrough in your dreams. I look forward to see you there. Please purpose to attend and if possible mobilize another friend to attend. This is a an opportunity to awaken our community.

God bless.

Peter Wangaruro.

Listening to counsel without doing it will not save your marriage

The simplest I can say is, SORRY for being silent for so long. I have lots to give an would urge the family rebuild readers to be in touch. Please keep yourself updated. Receive greetings from Nigeria, Abuja and Niger provinces where I ministered the last two weeks of June.

May I start by sharing with sweet the real thing why so many marriages are breaking despite having been talked to by counselors, friends, or even Parents. This article was sent to me by my friends in marriage ministry Cindy and Steve. Welcome and be open to learn. Please also let a friend know about this column.

God bless you. Pastor Wangaruro

Listening and doing

Everywhere we turn, we are seeing marriages exploding into divorce. Have you been seeing this too? It's heart-breaking! The question is: How can we stop the "exploding" from taking place?

We're not entirely sure, but one thing we know -- most couples don't have a clue as to what they are facing when they get married. And even if a couple goes through good premarital counseling, the relationship can still explode. An illustration of this is can be found in the following true story titled "On Marriages" written by Julie Baumgardner, which was sent to us by Smart Marriages:

"Mark and Lore Kuebler know what it means to go through trials and tribulations in a marriage. Before reaching their first anniversary, they had separated twice. By their 3rd anniversary they would separate again and Lori would file for divorce. If you asked either of them to speculate on the longevity of their marriage, both of them would tell you there wasn't much hope that their marriage would survive.

"'We met at church and dated for eight months before we were married,' said Lori Kuebler. 'Mark had been married before and brought two boys, ten and six with him to the marriage. We went through premarital counseling and learned a lot of good skills. The only problem was, we didn't put them into practice when the going got tough. Our first year of marriage was like a war zone.'

"Mark and Lori, along with thousands of other couples, learned pretty quickly that it takes more than being in love with someone to make a relationship work. It takes skills and the willingness to put those skills into practice in every aspect of the marriage.

"'I think our biggest downfall was communication,' said Mark Kuebler. 'We argued about anything and everything. Both of us are very stubborn and hard headed. The environment was such that it was almost a contest to see who could have the last word when we argued. I think it was the fact that we never resolved any of our arguments that led to our third and final separation.'

"As a last resort, Mark and Lori decided to attend a marriage enrichment workshop hosted by Gary Smalley to see if they could glean anything to save their marriage. 'To be perfectly honest, both of us were totally closed when we arrived at the conference,' said Mark. 'We were just going through the motions because we'd already paid for the tickets. We didn't even stay for the whole thing. The following Monday I went to work and Lori called her dad and told him he needed to get over to the house with a truck because she couldn't take it any more.'

"I knew divorce wasn't the answer, but in my head I thought that might be the only way to deal with this situation,' said Lori. 'It was during this separation that I actually filed for divorce. My parents were shocked. Both of us come from homes with long-term married parents. My parents were supportive of me, but they both said, 'Marriage is a struggle regardless and you can't just say I don't want to be married to this person anymore.' To which I responded, 'You don't know what I have to live with here.' Both of them encouraged me to seek help.

"Mark and Lori were both open to going to counseling. The only problem was neither of them was open at the same time. Later Mark said, 'After Lori moved out, I began to remember some things that Gary Smalley talked about at the conference. Surprised that I actually recalled anything, I became convicted to work at our marriage and do everything possible to get Lori back.'

"After going to marriage counseling for a couple of months, Lori moved back home. Both Lori and Mark now recognize that they need to resolve their conflicts. For them, it doesn't matter who's right and who's wrong -- they just need to get to the bottom of it and move on.

"'It was hard for me to forget things that had happened,' said Lori. 'What I learned through counseling is that holding a grudge hurts you in the long run as well as the other person. When you have unforgiveness nobody wins.' All couples experience moments of conflict and anger. According to marriage experts, too many marriages end before couples have the opportunity to experience forgiveness and reconciliation."

What this article brings home to us is that you can know all the relationship skills in the world but it won't help you in your marriage unless you actually put them into use. That seems like a simplistic concept but it's true.

Also, there are other skills you can learn that can help you to overcome GREAT relationship obstacles, but you have to seek them out and then again apply using them in your marriage. The information is out there (we have a lot of it on our web site at www.marriagemissions.com, plus other web sites we point to), but you have to seek it. "If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him" (James 1:5).

This couple had attended premarital counseling -- which is good. They loved each other -- which is also good. They were spiritual people (especially good), and I'm sure they were nice to other people, but they stopped being nice to each other and didn't apply the available wisdom and skills to help grow their marriage relationship to be a healthy one.

God tells us: "His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these He has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires.

"For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. But if anyone does not have them, he is nearsighted and blind, and has forgotten that he has been cleansed from his past sins" (2 Peter 1:5-9).

Our prayer for you is that you won't be blinded by that which doesn't matter in the light of eternity. Don't overlook your own sinful part in what is dividing you but instead EARNESTLY look for ways to build bridges between you rather than walls. You can't do your spouse's part, but you CAN participate with God in doing that all He shows YOU to do.

We encourage you to seek wisdom to work through your differences-- forgiving each other as God forgives you. Apply Biblical principles for living, as the principles for loving your spouse as Christ loves you. We are asking God to "fill you with the knowledge of His will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding. And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please Him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God" (Colossians 1:9-10).

"May the Lord direct your heart into God's love and perseverance" (2 Thessalonians 3:5)

from family rebuild.

Remember to watch our program on Thursdays at 7.30pm on faith Channel, sky 593.

Why Should I Be the One to Change?

May 20th, 2009

I welcome you to this teaching which I considered relevant to those who are feeling burdened by the way our spouses are far from the marriage agenda. It might be helpful to those us who feel they have a little life remaining for the marriage. There is something that we can do to bridge the gap and bring a solution. This may be by induction method, that if we do it he/she will also do with time. Thanks to Steve and Cindy Wright who will be our teachers today. Thanks and God bless you. Rev. Wangaruro

"Why should I be the one to change when it's my spouse who's causing the problems in our marriage?" That's the issue we'd like to discuss this week. The edited points we're sharing come from the book "Divorce Busting" by Michelle Weiner-Davis. It's not a Christian book, but we believe the principles are helpful and biblically sound. See if you agree. Michelle writes:

"Have you and your spouse been so angry at each other that you've gone your separate ways and stopped interacting with each other? Have you convinced yourself that, until s/he initiates making up, there will be no peace in your house? If so, I have a few things I want to tell you. You're wasting precious energy holding on to your anger. It's exhausting to feel resentment day in and day out. It's bad for your health and hard on your spirit. And it's awful for your relationship.

"Anger imprisons you. It casts a gray cloud over your days. It prevents you from feeling real joy in any part of your life. Each day you drown yourself in resentment is another day lost out of your life. What a waste! I've worked with so many people who live in quiet desperation because they're utterly convinced that their way of seeing things is right and their partner's wrong. They spend a lifetime trying to get their partners to share their views. I hear, 'I'll change if s/he changes,' a philosophy that ultimately leads to a stalemate.

"There are many variations of this position. For example, 'I'd be nicer to her, if she were nicer to me,' or 'I'd be more considerate and tell her about my plans if she wouldn't hound me all the time about what I do.' You get the picture! I'll be different if you start being different first.' Trust me when I tell you that this can be a very, very long wait.

"I've been working with couples for years and I've learned a lot about how change occurs in relationships. It's like a chain reaction. If one person changes, the other one does too. It's simply a matter of tipping over the first domino. Change is reciprocal. Let me give you an example.

"I worked with a woman who was distressed about her husband's long hours at work. She felt they spent little time together as a couple and that he was of little help at home. This infuriated her. Every evening when he returned from work, her anger got the best of her and she criticized him for bailing out on her. Inevitably, the evening would be ruined. The last thing he wanted to do after a long day at work was to deal with problems the moment he walked in the door.

"Although she understood this, she was so hurt and angry about his long absence that she felt her anger was justified. She wanted a suggestion from me about how to get her husband to be more attentive and loving. She was at her wit's end.

"I told her I could completely understand why she was frustrated and that, if I were in her shoes, I would feel exactly the same way. However, I wondered if she could imagine how her husband might feel about her nightly barrage of complaints. 'He probably wishes he didn't have to come home,' she said. 'Precisely,' I thought to myself. I suggested she try an experiment.

"Tonight when he comes home, surprise him with an affectionate greeting. Don't complain; just tell him you're happy to see him. Do something thoughtful that you haven't done in a long time, even if you don't feel like it.' 'You mean like fixing him his favorite meal or giving him a warm hug? I used to do that a lot.' 'That's exactly what I mean,' I told her. She agreed to give it a try.

"Two weeks later she returned to my office and told me about the results of her 'experiment.' 'That first night I met him at the door and without a word, gave him a huge hug. He looked astounded, but curious. I made his favorite pasta dish, which was heavy on the garlic so he smelled the aroma when he walked in. Immediately, he commented on it and looked pleased.

"'We had a great evening together. It was the first in months. I was so pleased by his positive reaction that I felt motivated to keep being 'the new me.' Since then things between us have been so much better, it's amazing. He's come home earlier and he's even calling me from work just to say hello. I can't believe the change in him.'

"The moral of this story's obvious. It's a law of relationships. If you aren't getting what you need from your loved one, instead of trying to convince him or her to change, why not change your approach to the situation? If what you're doing (talking to your partner about the error of his/her ways) hasn't been working, no matter how sterling your logic, you're not going to get very far. Be more flexible and creative. Spend more time trying to figure out what might work as opposed to being bent on driving your point home. You might be pleasantly surprised. Remember, insanity has been defined as doing the same old thing over and over expecting different result."
.....................................................................

Another point Michelle makes on this subject: "I generally assume that one spouse is more motivated than the other to work on the marriage -- read self-help books, take marriage education classes, and so on -- and believe that it's truly possible for one person to trigger positive relationship change single-handedly. My experience has taught me that I don't need both spouses in order to help couples improve their marriages.

"I just need one motivated spouse. Relationships are such that if one person changes, the relationship changes. So I show people how to approach their partners in more productive ways. Often this triggers a solution avalanche. However, when both spouses are willing to read the books or attend a marriage education class, it will mean that you'll have a shared perspective and similar ideas about what real change in marriage requires. But the operative word here is willing.

If your spouse has pulled away and lets you know, 'I love you but I'm not in love with you,' or if you're already doing the 'Last Resort Technique', you're asking him/her to read a book will probably be viewed as chasing. Chasing a reluctant spouse can be like opening the door to let him or her out of the marriage. If your spouse has told you to back off, don't ask him or her to read a book.

"If on the other hand, things aren't quite as rocky, you can consider asking your spouse to read it. Don't insist -- just ask. Some people have made more progresses by leaving the book around the house in a conspicuous place rather than asking directly. You might just pique your spouse's curiosity. But you shouldn't make reading the book an issue. That could be detrimental.

"And one more thing -- don't assume that if you're the only one reading the book that it's a less-than-desirable situation or that your chances of reconciliation are worse. They aren't. Ultimately, you have to be the catalyst for change whether your spouse reads the book or not. You have to change you. So get started. Read all you can and put to use what you learn."

Too often we try our method of communicating, and eventually give up thinking it's hopeless. But with God, nothing is hopeless ... nothing is impossible (see: Luke 1:37 and Luke 18:27). As someone once said, "God is able to create and re-create -- and when we think everything is dead -- that's when He can do something exciting!" We're told in the Bible: "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up" (Galatians 6:9).

Remember our weekly Family rebuild program on Sky digital 593 every Thursday at 7.30pm.

for counseling, advice and chat please write or call to familyrebuild. Email: familyrebuild@yahoo.co.uk

MARRIAGE must be honored by all. The married or the unmarried need to have this perspective and honor the marriage institution and reverence it ordained of God. There is no short cut to happy marriage apart from being engaged into those things that enhance respect, tolerance, intimacy and commitment. People think that their spouses are the problem and are in a hurry to leave and get hooked to another one or to others without first doing a self audit. In family rebuild we have added a signature at the bottom of any email that we send that says “Stop wishing for a change in your spouse! Your spouse could be waiting for a changed you to be compatible”. What this means is that it takes two to agree not just your spouse, and it means that there is 50% likelihood that you could also be wrong. Spouses are the same in their biological make up, the difference are only in personalities. Personalities are also not permanent dents that can not change. The truth is personalities change when people make up their minds for better or for worse. Any relationship can therefore enjoy cohesiveness and great deal of warmth if the individual spouse decides to be rational and unselfish. May I urge you if you are married or will ever be to remain closer to your spouse, share life together just your covenant terms stated, forgive each other, treat each other better every day and let love become your canopy. You do not have a thousand years to live with each other and you never control times and seasons. I hope that the story below will speak to you and challenge into wholesome thinking and if your eyes were eyeing through the window, you will get focal marital focal lenses to correct your defect. Please note that this week I am launching a pocket booklet which I recommend to every body (married or unmarried) on 7 pillars of a successful marriage. Do your best to get a copy.

Rev Wangaruro

Please read this story to the end and you might learn something

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes. Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. 'I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly'. She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, 'why'?
I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, 'you are not a man!' That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Dew. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Dew so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table.. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Dew. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce.
She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that everyday for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door every morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request. I told Dew about my wife's divorce conditions.. She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd.. 'No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce,' she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, 'Daddy is holding mummy in his arms'. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; 'don't tell our son about the divorce'. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Dew about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger.. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily. Suddenly it hit me... She had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, 'Dad, it's time to carry mum out'. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy. I drove to office... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind... I walked upstairs. Dew opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Dew, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Dew, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other any more. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.

Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away. At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead.

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank, blah..blah..blah. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves.. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!

Commenting on the Compulsory sex education plan

 Thursday 7th May, 2009

Primary pupils must be taught about sex education and healthy living, as well-being lessons become compulsory in both primary and secondary schools.

A report from Sir Alasdair Macdonald has examined how personal, social and health education (PSHE) should become part of the curriculum in England. Schools will still decide the context of such lessons, allowing faith schools to maintain their own ethos. The subject is set to become part of the compulsory curriculum from 2011.

'21st Century children'

It will mean that life skills lessons - on issues such as sex education, healthy eating and handling money - will be on a statutory footing alongside traditional academic subjects. "It is clear that if children are going to get a well-rounded education which prepares them for life in the 21st Century, PSHE has a key role to play," said Schools Secretary Ed Balls. "Most schools already follow the non-statutory curriculum, but current provision can be patchy. Compulsory PSHE will mean consistency and quality, so all children can benefit.

"Parents bring up children not government. (This is an indication that PARENTS are expected to more to bring sensible children in the society) Schools, however, can play a vital role in teaching children essential skills for learning and life," said Mr Balls. ( Parents needs to therefore be informed of what the school is offering to their children, the church should also do more to help the parents through offering such short informative courses. Children need the right information otherwise they will be puffed up misleading and value free information. That is disastrous!)

The schools secretary announced last year that PHSE lessons would be given statutory status - making compulsory what many schools already were teaching. As part of this he asked the head teacher of Morpeth school in east London, Sir Alasdair Macdonald, to examine how this could be put into practice for young people aged from five to 16 years old. At present, it is only compulsory to teach the biological facts of reproduction in secondary school science lessons, while PSHE classes, at any age, are optional. Parents may withdraw their children from sex education lessons, and Sir Alasdair recommends that this entitlement should continue. From the age of seven, pupils will learn about puberty and five year olds will be taught about parts of the body, relationships and the effects of drugs. (5years old are the nursery kids and the the government think that by starting them early they will learn. I agree they need to be informed but if they are not given boundaries based on an uncompromised standard the learning will not be benefitial. The government is trying to minimize teenage pregnancy but I bet the methods being applied will still encourage the young people trying the game)

Secondary school pupils will learn about contraception, HIV and Aids, pregnancy and different kinds of relationships. A review of the primary curriculum by Sir Jim Rose, due to be published later this week, will also consider how PSHE should best be delivered to younger children. (This is where friends we need a concerted effort in bringing back moral and good tradition in the family. It is right to inform kids about contraception method as they grow into adulthood, to use in the family set up. I find it disturbing that schools can provide contraceptive to children and private sexual health centers and yet we expect to bring up a moral society. When one form of wickedness is fully supported it introduces its brother or sister to the participants. When the boundaries of sexual play are removed, the rate of sexual promiscuity rises, abortion rate never decline, and drugs and alcohol also get to the age group. We need to be sensitive of what our children will become when they are old. The foundation is laid in the developmental years.  A house without a good foundation will never stand  against a storm even if externally it looks appealing.)

'Moral framework'

Schools Minister Jim Knight said this was not about five and six year olds being taught about sex, but "improving the moral framework in schools around which we talk about sex later in a child's education". It will still be up to schools to decide what exactly to teach, within the programme of study. There will also be lessons about personal finance, internet safety and avoiding pressure to join gangs. Some teachers' unions have said they are concerned at the additional workload. The Association of School and College Leaders said it disagreed that PSHE should become compulsory, but called Sir Alasdair's recommendations "sensible". General secretary, Dr John Dunford, said: The existing programmes of study in PSHE are, as the report states, fit for purpose and it is difficult to see why the government wants to turn this into a statutory requirement." Christine Blower, acting general secretary of the National Union of Teachers, said some schools were still struggling to deliver Citizenship, which had been "bolted on" to the curriculum. Both representatives of Church of England and Catholic schools welcomed the right of schools to maintain their own values in teaching the subject. The Catholic Education Service said such lessons should be taught "in line with the wishes of parents and the ethos of the school" - including teaching in "age-appropriate ways".

 (This is where proper guidance is needed, just to have a log of what the kid is being taught. Remember it is the government’s plan to pamper the kids with what sexual orientation theories. In this case they will introduce homosexuality and lesbianism on the same platform with heterosexuality. As a parent it is your responsibility to arm or equip your child with the right information and make necessary follow up and corrections regularly. There is nobody else best suited to instill value in a child as a parent is. Parents should therefore love enough to make or facilitate for necessary training on various values or morals in their children. It is difficult but with effort it is possible.   Family rebuild has embraced this and will be launching some programs on sex education with value added from the scriptures and the morals that our traditional family upheld. Please if you are bringing up young children let us join hands there is lots we have to do for them if they are to survive in this environment.) Marc Thompson of the Terrence Higgins Trust said "Putting sex and relationships education on the national curriculum is one of the most sensible steps we can take towards improving England's sexual health." But failing to attach value and morals on it is the most destructive part of invention that the government is revealing in our times.

Protecting Your Marriage

 12th April, 2009

Dear friends once again I would like to share with you a few tips that I got from another source and found them useful. With all your protecting please protect your family. God bless you.

"Most people don't think twice about insuring their home or car or things that are valuable. They don't think twice about installing security measures like screens and alarms. But what about protecting your marriage? What can you and I do to protect our marriages?" To answer these questions, we'd like to share some tips we gathered from many "experts" -- praying you will find them helpful. So, to help you to guard your heart, protect your marriage and your Christian integrity and testimony:

"Don't be naive. Most people who end up in affairs don't set out to have one. Infidelity usually begins with an innocent relationship that, in time, moves to an emotional depth that crosses a line of fidelity." (Jill Savage)

"Become aware of your choices. A major battle is won when we stop asking what's wrong with certain choices, and instead, ask what's right with them. Everyday I read a poem above my computer. 'The choices we make everyday dictate the life we lead. To thine own self be true!' Basically, this is the message that Luke talks about in the Scriptures. "Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much" (Luke 16:10). In other words, how we handle the small things dictates how we react to the bigger ones. As Christians, we must learn what God desires for our lives and remain true to His wishes." (Michael Smalley, adapted from Smalleyonline.com article "Protecting Your Marriage from Infidelity")

"Know your boundaries. Put fences around your heart and protect sacred ground, reserved only for your spouse. Many married people don't understand that a chemical reaction can occur with someone other than their mates -- a reaction of two hearts, the chemistry of two souls. This is emotional adultery -- an int-macy with the opposite s-x outside of marriage. Emotional adultery is unfaithfulness of the heart. When two people begin talking of int-mate struggles, doubts or feelings, they may be sharing their souls in a way that God intended exclusively for the marriage relationship. Emotional adultery is friendship with the opposite s-x that has progressed too far." (Dennis Rainey, adapted from the Growthtrac.com article "Avoiding Emotional Adultery")

"Quit kidding yourself. Understand the tremendous capacity of every human being to deceive him or herself when not connected to God. Know that, once you start making excuses for wrong behavior, each excuse will sound more plausible, and you will sink deeper and deeper into sin and ruin. Admit that you can't trust your own self apart from God, and decide to stay close to Him." (Jerry Jenkins, from book "Hedges: Loving Your Marriage Enough to Protect It")

"Avoid Temptation. Innocent chat room visits can endanger a marriage when someone discovers a 'Cyberspace soul mate.' When the honesty that's missing in a marriage gets spilled out on the computer screen, emotional affairs can result. Preventative measures include: * Avoid discussing emotional topics or personal problems over the Internet. * Avoid chat rooms and Internet sites designed for meeting people and socializing. * If necessary, limit your time on-line. If you are sharing emotional closeness with someone of the opposite s-x other than your spouse in any arena, STOP!" (From Foreverfamilies.com article "Immunized Against Infidelity")

"Recognize that work can be a danger zone. Don't lunch alone or take coffee breaks with the same person (of the opposite s-x). When you travel with a co-worker, meet in public rooms only."

"Realize the power of your eyes. As it has been said, your eyes are the windows to your soul. Pull the shades down if you sense someone is pausing a little too long in front of your windows. I realize that good eye contact is necessary for effective conversation, but there's a deep type of look that must be reserved for your spouse." (Dennis Rainey, from Growthtrac.com article, "Avoiding Emotional Adultery)

"Avoid emotional int-macy with attractive alternatives to your spouse. Resist the desire to rescue an unhappy soul who pours his or her heart out to you." (Shirley Glass)

"Beware of recreating alone with a member of the opposite sex. For instance, if I like to horseback ride and my husband doesn't, but this guy will go with me, sharing something I love with another man might get to me to develop feelings I don't want to have for him. But that is the difference between me and someone who cheats -- I don't put myself in the position to get those 'uncomfortable' feelings."

"If a friendship with the opposite sex meets needs that only your mate should be meeting, end it quickly. It may be a painful loss at first, but it isn't nearly as painful as temptation that has given birth to sin." (Dennis Rainey, from Growthtrac.com article "Avoiding Emotional Adultery")

"Plant protective hedges early before problems take root. Know that if you plant hedges in your marriage before you find yourself in a threatening situation, you can prevent many problems from taking root and nip affairs in the bud." (Jerry Jenkins, from the book "Hedges: Loving Your Marriage Enough to Protect It")

"Don't play the comparison game. We all make mistakes, have bad habits and annoying behaviors. When we compare a 'new friend' to our spouse, it's an unfair comparison because we aren't seeing that person in a 'living under the same roof, taking care of kids at 3 a.m., struggling to make ends meet' reality."

"Be honest with yourself. If you're dressing to please someone else or lingering in the parking lot hoping that person will ask you to lunch, stop now, before you've gone too far. If you're in doubt as to what conduct is inappropriate, ask yourself, 'Would I do this in front of my spouse?' And if you're still now sure, ask yourself, 'Would I do it in front of the Lord?' (You are, you know.) Here is a simple rule to keep you on the straight and narrow: If you'd have to hide it or lie about it -- don't do it!" (Nancy Anderson, from the book "Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome")

"Whenever you're faced with the temptation of attraction to someone other than your spouse, realize that there is only one response that will work -- TO FLEE! Any other approach, such as trying to rationalize your way out of it, is doomed to failure. Decide to run from the situation as from a contagious disease." (Jerry Jenkins, from book "Hedges")

"Make sure your social network is supportive of your marriage. Surround yourself with friends who are happily married and who don't believe in fooling around."

"Increase your investment at home. Solid marriages are built by spending time together, laughing together, and playing together. If you aren't dating your mate, set up dates for the coming months and make spending time together a priority."

"If your spouse is unwilling to build a marital hedge with you, know that any hedge you attempt to build yourself will be blessed by God. Most of all, keep praying. Because your marriage is a portrait of His relationship with His church, you can be sure God desires it to be a beautiful one."

God bless you

Forwarded by

Pastor Wangaruro

Family Rebuild

Support your child to succeed in UK Education

Understand what goes on in schools, in terms of curriculum, levels (grades) subject selection and national examination. Many parents do not understand some of the things in their children’s learning. They therefore take a low profile biting their tongues and wishing if all would go well. Unfortunately, it does not always go well and the child end up underachieving or even doing subjects that are not relevant to their future careers. It is very important that a student should do courses that they like and would like to pursue them as career in future. Nevertheless, most students move by the influence of their peers. They seem poorly equipped with the knowledge of what it takes to position them in a career of their choice. Early involvement of the parents is very vital to the laying a good foundation in the lives of a dear child.  We cannot under estimate the benefit of the right knowledge as the scripture has clearly shown us, “Wisdom is a shelter as money is a shelter, but the advantage of knowledge is this: that wisdom preserves the life of its possessor”. Ecclesiastes 7:12 

Children at whatever level needs guidance, support and encouragement if they are to perform well in this system. This is because the English system does not encourage pupils to compete for excellence. The government has good plans for children e.g. EVERY CHILD MATTER policy, but the implementation doe not practically produce the results that a concerned parent would gladly appreciate.  Children are not supposed to be under any pressure and most of the parents even think that getting some homework is such a big baggage upon the shoulders of these little angels. Any person who have any genuine qualification from Kenya or other parts of Africa had to work hard. I mean hard. But am sure most of those who were in my cohort and passed with flying colors had to read many books out of their own accord, went to school early, carried books home for reading at night. I remember the many nights we read past mid night, Did you? Parents must the first to cultivate hard work and motivation for their children’s academic progression.

Those in secondary schools have not linked education and their earnings after all we have many uneducated millionaires in this country. Many of our parents also do contribute to this lack of motivation through their negative comments. There are those parents who have made great success in spite of the fact that they are secondary school graduates. I believe that every child irrespective of the background of the parent should be encouraged to mobilize his/her potential to the maximum. Any big inheritance landing upon the hands of uneducated children will easily be squandered without meaningful investment. Most rich people take their children to good schools for they know that intellectual dwarfs cannot make the same trading or investment, as would a learned son.  Some horizons or openings are only visible through the eyes of education.

The job market is looking for those who are well qualified and bearing the relevant skills. It is very unlikely that a company will employ a less qualified person in the presence of a suitably qualified candidate.  Our children need frequent explanations until it make sense in them. The greatest mistake that parents can do is to assume that these children will get that school of thought from their schools. The teachers do their best based on the information that they have. The teachers could be coming from a completely different background. He might not fully understand the competition that you had to persevere to get a qualification. There are some courses that your children will be excluded from doing by default depending on the subject that he does at GCSE level. Others might take him/her through a longer path to get the same qualification. For example failing to get grades A to C in five subjects will deny this child from doing A- levels.  Remember that it is important for your child to get good grades in GCSE level, as they will always be asked for in future either at employment or in further training. The proverb of Solomon reveals to us that “A wise son maketh a glad father: but a foolish son is the heaviness of his mother. Treasures of wickedness profit nothing: but righteousness delivereth from death. The LORD will not suffer the soul of the righteous to famish: but he casteth away the substance of the wicked”. Proverbs 10: 1-3

Family rebuild would like to bring a seminar on education in your Town. If parents could organize themselves through established trusts like churches, then we would gladly come and facilitate. God bless you. Please remember to watch Family rebuild every Thursday at 7.30pm on sky 593.

The cost of Procrastination

3rd March, 2009

Pharaoh summoned Moses and Aaron and said, "Pray to the LORD to take the frogs away from me and my people, and I will let your people go to offer sacrifices to the LORD." Moses said to Pharaoh, "I leave to you the honor of setting the time for me to pray for you and your officials and your people that you and your houses may be rid of the frogs, except for those that remain in the Nile."  "Tomorrow," Pharaoh said. Moses replied, "It will be as you say, so that you may know there is no one like the LORD our God. The frogs will leave you and your houses, your officials and your people; they will remain only in the Nile."  Exodus 8: 8-10

I find pharaoh as a man who understood what adjournment means. He was required by God through his servant Moses to let the people of Israel go. (Coming out of Bondage into the Promised Land that God had given to Abraham and his descendant.) When the fullness of time has come for God to act then it has to happen despite the opposition. Here we need to identify the type of bondage that we have been in, could be in the area of character, job, relationship. And also understand the we can quit from this humiliating bondage and enjoy  a better side of life. Fortunately, for this case we are the people to pull the trigger for our release.  Not until one is fed up with the prevailing exploitation and the state of underachieving does take an immediate action into better things. But remember there us always a problem of delayed move, comfort satisfaction, fear of unknown and the tendency to keep things as they are.

Pharaoh and his people had become used to the free labor that the Israelites provided to them that letting them go required the hand of God against them.  They were living in a comfort zone and to think of descending from such a level was beyond their comprehension. They knew what was right for them to do but they defied they order despite the consequences that followed their disobedience. God sent many plagues to them in order to proof who he is to these people of hardened hearts. The following plagues swept across Egypt inflicting the people with indescribable pain yet Pharaoh changed his mind to keep things unchanged.  (The Plague of Blood, The Plague of Frogs, The Plague of Gnats, The Plague of Flies, The Plague on Livestock, The Plague of Boils, The Plague of Hail, The Plague of Locusts, The Plague of Darkness, The Plague on the Firstborn) Please read Exodus 7-11 to understand the extent of each plague.

Every plague worked AGAINST Pharaoh and the Egyptian community. This terror sent from heaven did not spare even the palace. The palace Guard could not stop the hand of God working against their King. There was no safe place for the king. Unfortunately, these people never learnt any lesson to turn to God for forgiveness. They kept postponing doing the right until they suffered a great deal. Procrastination is a negative quality that this generation has cherished. It is a deadly seed if it grows in your garden. It is abortive if it attacks your mind, and your faculty will therefore never produce graduating materials. If you entertain this level of reasoning and action work in you, it becomes infectious on your ideas. You will always settle for less having surrounded yourself with excuses for not doing it. You will have a wit for tomorrow but not for today. You will be like a certain group who coin a jargon, “better the devil you know”. This jargon tends to kill your innovation as it instills fear to face the challenge. The daring spirit in you becomes threatened by the sweetness of the comfort that you currently are experiencing compared to the pain of trying something new. It means that nothing will ever grow to maturity because of premature adjournment.

Relationships have been ruined because people have settled in a comfort zone despite the fact that they do not enjoy it. A couple becomes used to a particular quality of life that daring for a change would be asking too much from them. They refuse to confront their undesired character, their extravagance lands them in huge debts yet they cannot speak about it lest it strip them off some comfort. They fail to enjoy the warmth of sexual union with each other just because of the extra baggage that has surrounded their intimacy, yet they can easily cheat on each other. They keep admiring the progress of other couples whose public opinion rate them as successful. Yet without knowing that with every shine there is serious brushing and rubbing involved. Procrastination could be one of the things that is eating the marriages that people so hard labored for when their being conceived. May I suggest that we could enjoy our marriage if we stopped hoping for a better day without working towards it. This requires that we be ready to remove any fear of confronting issues and embrace taking responsibility upon your shoulder. The postponement of improved communication has made families to persevere great lot of abuse from a loved one. Others feel they need a change in their relationship but they lack the ability to speed up any action. The dragging of their feet causes the infection to spread wider into other aspects of their marriage. Pharaoh when infested with Frogs felt a lot of discomfort until he summoned Moses and asked him to pray to the Lord that the Frogs might go. This sound as though Pharaoh was fully fed up and stressed with the flooding frogs. Moses asked him when he wanted the Frogs to go. Unfortunately, Pharaoh like most of us dragged his feet when it was time for him to take action. He said “tomorrow”. He lacked urgency and drive to come out of the mire of frogs. Actually, his decision meant that he and the rest of the Egyptians would spend another 24hours with the frogs.

There was a place called Goshen! Goshen is such a special place where the Israelites lived. When all these plagues were threatening the survival of the Egyptians there was safety in Goshen. Pharaoh changed his heart ten times just fearing change. This move by pharaoh made the Egyptians to suffer the death of their first-born sons. This was too painful to bear as a dead son is not replaceable. That night there was great wailing worse than there has ever been.  The economy of the nation was put on a recession for the Israelites moved out with Gold and silver from their neighbors both men and women. This too never changed Pharaoh and he sent his soldiers to in pursuit of the escaping Israelites. This time his decision to procrastinate yielded bitter results as God pursued Pharaoh’s soldiers to their destruction in the red sea. It is good to be real to yourself as an individual and as a couple and address the areas where you have procrastinated. Remember every time procrastination is entertained it invites another plague into your court. These plagues could detonate your relationship, marriage and family. Be on the watch out.

Remember to watch family rebuild TV program every Thursday at 7.30pm. On sky digital channel 593 –Faith Channel. You could also get more information in our website www.familyrebuild.org.  If you have any questions regarding this material, please contact us through our website or by writing us an email on familyrebuild@yahoo.co.uk

“Parents told: avoid morality in sex lessons”

I have made some comments on guidance as a result of an article I read on Sunday 22-02-09 from the Sunday times. A

I got greatly concerned about the approach the government is taking on reduction of  teenage pregancy. I believe that leaving the youth without moral guidance is the greatest blander that parent, church or government can make. Giving the young people freedom to everything without any kind of boundary make an assumption that whatever they do is acceptable.

Take for instance the  difficult that we are facing with children today, it is anchored on lack of discplining policies that the government has given. In the name of children,s rights kids have become champions of evil, rudeness, respect has escaped from this generation, and parents are crying hot tears because of the challenges their teenagers have caused. Teachers are made to go through untold grief by the ‘right packed’  pupils who are supposedly there to learn. If there was a great authority on the teachers the kids would learn more, respect fabric within the society would still be intact.

How far do we want to ruin the younger generation? Do we care that soon these youngsters are expectenced to settle on their own? The innoce nse of these children is already broken by the rights of expression that media has used to publish pornographic materials within the reach of these children. The internet  has given its fair share in negative influence and exposure. Now the  governement want us to be silent in giving warning, in telling the good and bad. What plan do such a motive have for the future of our children. It was very   disturbing to hear this for we can only expect worse from such a source. You never stop fire by use of flammable liquids. You use materials that will extinguish and keep off oxgen from the fire.

What does God say on matters of guiding our children and morality,

• Train [a] a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it. Proverbs 22:6,
• Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him. Proverbs 22:15
• Only take heed to thyself, and keep thy soul diligently, lest thou forget the things which thine eyes have seen, and lest they depart from thy heart all the days of thy life: but teach them thy sons, and thy sons' sons; Deuteronomy 4:9
• Shew me thy ways, O LORD; teach me thy paths. Psalms 25:4
• If thy children will keep my covenant and my testimony that I shall teach them, their children shall also sit upon thy throne for evermore Psalms 132:12

Please let me hear your comments on this matter.

Remember to watch Family rebuild every Thursday at 7.30pm on Sky 593. Also God leads you support this program please do so for the glory of his name.

What do you speak?

Words have power! Positive words have positive impact upon any one who receive them, whether children or adults. Negative words on the other side have demolishing effect. Words that come out of your mouth directed to your children, spouse or colleagues either reinforce or demolish the existing relationship. It is important for family members to continue strengthening their covenant through the words that they speak to each other. What about your response to situations that turn to be negative in your life. What kind of words do you use when things go bad? What do you speak about your future? Do you have a good forecast, which is not based on the problems that you are facing currently?  In family rebuild, we have tried to give a guide for family members to use. It is not an end by itself but it gives a framework which spouses and parents can use and  fill in the walls.

How good it is when a spouse has graduated from the school of daily struggle of abusive and rude or sarcastic speech. This does not take a lot of schooling rather it takes a change of mind. You start seeing your spouse as a valued person despite his/her mistake.  Children likewise respond to good conversation even when they have done wrong. Parents should not use words strong enough to terminate the positive development of the personality of their children because of a mistake which their children might have committed. I therefore invite you to go through this family declaration and where possible adapt it for your family. It is deeply rooted in the word of God.

My family is a blessed family; my husband is the head and worthy of respect at home and beyond, My wife is a fruitful vine ever productive and a delight to me. My children are like olive shoots giving joy to me. . My family’s shortcomings are just temporary; but my success shall be continuous and permanent. My yesterday’s failure does not determine /define my tomorrow’s success because I can change today. I might look challenged but I will overcome for any challenge plus God equals to change and again with God all things are possible.

May I urge you that you purpose to use words that will never ever put you to shame. Always be slow to speak even when you face unpleasant experience. Season your words with salt so that they are not stale. Look at what James the preacher of practical Christianity said about the words that we use, “For we all often stumble and fall and offend in many things. And if anyone does not offend in speech [never says the wrong things], he is a fully developed character and a perfect man, able to control his whole body and to curb his entire nature. If we set bits in the horses' mouths to make them obey us, we can turn their whole bodies about. Likewise, look at the ships: though they are so great and are driven by rough winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the impulse of the helmsman determines. Even so the tongue is a little member, and it can boast of great things. See how much wood or how great a forest a tiny spark can set ablaze!     6And the tongue is a fire. [The tongue is a] world of wickedness set among our members, contaminating and depraving the whole body and setting on fire the wheel of birth (the cycle of man's nature), being itself ignited by hell (Gehenna). For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea animal, can be tamed and has been tamed by human genius (nature). However, no man can tame the human tongue. It is a restless (undisciplined, irreconcilable) evil, full of deadly poison”. James 3:2-8

God bless you as you make a good confession about your family, and other life experiences. Remember to watch our family rebuild program every Thursday at 7.30pm on faith channel sky 593. Incase you need to contact us please write an email on familyrebuild@yahoo.co.uk. Our website also has some resources that you could use www.familyrebuild.org.

Biblical Rules for Marriage

Greetings to all of you who love your family. Every effort bears fruit and a little of it on your family will not leave you empty. I have some good rules forwarded to me by Steve from Marriage missions, and would like to share them with you. Please take time to read them all for the benefit of your family. You can get the best advice in the world, but if you don't apply it, you won't receive the benefits. Yes, in marriage there are two partners involved and it's difficult to follow the advice if your partner won't help in the process. But more often it's a matter of us not WANTING to do the work it will take, or we think we're the exception to the "rules", or we procrastinate until things get exceptionally complicated to fix, or we only want to do it if our partner will do what we believe they should do. And it's true... there is a lot of validity in all of those arguments as far as why we aren't following good advice. But as the famous saying goes, "How's that working for you?"

If your marriage is better because you aren't taking someone's advice then you're probably wise. But if your marriage isn't doing well, then it may be good to follow it even if you don't want to. "The way of a fool seems right to him, but a wise man listens to advice" (Proverbs 12:15). We'd like to share with you some wise advice, that is based on biblical principles which we believe will help your marriage if you follow them. As with any "rules" there are usually exceptions that can be made (unless they come directly from God Himself). This is especially true when you see the word "never." But don't get stuck on that word, look at the context of the rules and honestly look to see if God may be telling you that this advice will help your marriage when applied. So, the following are "10 Biblical Rules for Marriage" given by author and counselor Dr Steve Arterburn from www.newlife.com. We will give additional insights in (brackets). He writes:

Here are ten lessons from Scripture that will be sure to enrich your marriage. Meditate upon them, and ask God to help you prayerfully, wisely, lovingly, and creatively put them into practice.

1. NEVER BRING UP MISTAKES OF THE PAST. Stop criticizing others or it will come back on you. "Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven" - Luke 6:37. (A good rule in working out differences is to refrain from being "hysterical" and "historical" with each other UNLESS you see that it will help your marriage. "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen" - Ephesians 4:29.

Think: "will this help or hurt" your marriage before you say it. YOU might feel better for having said it, but at what cost? "Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as Christ God forgave you" - Ephesians 4:31-32).

2. NEGLECT THE WHOLE WORLD RATHER THAN EACH OTHER. (We may think our spouse can put up with neglect for "good reasons" but don't be so sure. The divorce courts are filled with such cases. Think about it -- what does it benefit you if you get all or most of your "to do list" accomplished but your marriage relationship fails because of neglect?

"If you're finding yourself oppressed by piles of tasks that never seem to get done, I encourage you to join me in making a renewed commitment to daily prayer. These days I'm praying, 'Lord, I need your wisdom to sort out the important things from the urgent'" - Jim Daly, from Focus on the Family. "Be sure you know the condition of your flocks, give careful attention to your heard; for riches do not endure forever and a crown is not secure for all generations" -Proverbs 27:23-24.)

3. NEVER GO TO SLEEP WITH AN ARGUMENT UNSETTLED. And don't sin by letting anger gain control over you. "In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold" - Ephesians 4:26-27. (Sometimes it may be best to agree to re-approach a problem the next day because you're not able to resolve it at that time. But don't go to bed stewing about it either. Agree to leave the situation alone that night and re-approach it the next day with a fresher approach. This has helped us many times.)

4. AT LEAST ONCE A DAY, TRY TO SAY SOMETHING COMPLIMENTARY TO YOUR SPOUSE. "Gentle words bring life and health; a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit" - Proverbs 15:4. "A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver" - Proverbs 25:11.

5. NEVER MEET WITHOUT AN AFFECTIONATE WELCOME. "Kiss me again and again, your love is sweeter than wine" - Song of Solomon 1:2. "Greet one another with a holy kiss" 2 Corinthians 13:12. (This is by far my [Steve's] favorite rule for a happy marriage. Remember our idea for the "22 Minute Date" a few weeks ago? Well, this one is even better. It's called the 10 second kiss. It's a great way to leave the house in the morning and to come home in the evening. Try the 10 second kiss tomorrow, or better yet, today!)

6. FOR RICHER OR POORER, REJOICE IN EVERY MOMENT THAT GOD HAS GIVEN YOU TOGETHER. "A bowl of soup with someone you love is better than steak with some you hate" - Proverbs 15:17. (We know so many widows and widowers who live in the "if only's" of regret that they didn't do more celebrating -- embracing each moment together rather than taking them for granted. Today is a gift -- that is why it is called the present!)

7. IF YOU HAVE A CHOICE BETWEEN MAKING YOURSELF OR YOUR MATE LOOK GOOD, CHOOSE YOUR MATE. "Do not withhold good from those who deserve it when it is in your power to act" - Proverbs 15:17. "Have the same attitude as that of Christ Jesus..." (See last week's Marriage Message for help if you need an attitude adjustment.)

8. IF THEY ARE BREATHING, YOUR MATE WILL EVENTUALLY OFFEND YOU; SO LEARN TO FORGIVE. "I am warning you, if another believer sins, rebuke him, if he repents, forgive him. Even if he wrongs you seven times a day and each time turns again and asks forgiveness, forgive him" - Luke 17:3-4. ("One sinner plus another sinner equals two sinners. Double trouble under one roof! In the covenant of marriage God asks two self-willed sinners to come together and become one flesh -- not in body only, but in spirit, in attitude, in communication, in love. It is a lifetime challenge." - Bill Hybels. "Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you" - Colossians 3:13.)

9. DON'T USE FAITH, THE BIBLE, OR GOD AS A HAMMER. "God did not send his Son into the world to condemn it, but to save it" - John 3:17.

10. LET LOVE BE YOUR GUIDEPOST. "Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable and keeps no record of when it has been wronged" - 1 Corinthians 13:4-5.

We pray these "rules" will release your marriage to new heights of understanding.
Remember to watch our family rebuild Program every Thursday at 7.30pm. You could also write us an email on familyrebuild@yahoo.co.uk. God bless you.

RENEW YOURSELF  IN 2009

May we embrace the year 2009 with optimism in family matters. No good will come to your family unless you renew your self this year. May I explain the term “ renew” through R.E.N.E.W acronym

Renewed mind set. If your perception on family is negative then you will behave, speak, and think negatively about your spouse and children. The right perception is necessary for warm and cordial relationship between family members. May 2009 be a year for you to view your spouse with respect, honor and value. May you change you mindset completely so that you see the good in your spouse and fan it to flame. This may mean change of career also. You are more productive when your mind is positive, your eyes seeing the right thing and your action energized by the affinity for the desired results. If you will renew your minds then your speech will change, your curses to blessings, commands to requests, shouting to polite talk, blasphemy to praise and prayer. Your changed mind is extremely important, as it will affect the way you see yourself, your family members and others. You will now be able to receive correction from a spouse without feeling pinned down or intimidated. 

Energy- you will need some  effort to make it. It means there is need for concerted effort from both the husband and wife. Energy will give you the effort needed to achieve the family desires or vice versa. Children as well need to be involved in working hard for the benefit of corporate unity and individual achievement. They need to be trained to be responsible. Friends we cannot afford to relax and still expect to enjoy family relationships. Good relationship is work that needs doing with all diligence and commitment.  May 2009 be a year where you will work hard for your relationship. Look at these four creatures and learn from them, “Ants are creatures of little strength, yet they store up their food in the summer; coneys  are creatures of little power, yet they make their home in the crags; locusts have no king, yet they advance together in ranks; a lizard can be caught with the hand, yet it is found in kings' palaces” Effort bears fruit and sometimes there need for a change of strategy. In this case the new strategy may not necessary mean a difficult step, “If you keep on doing what you've always done, you'll keep on getting what you've always got.” ( W. L. Bateman).

Never give up. It is good to be determined despite the negative environment, the economic fall out, the hostility and discrimination. The spirit of giving up causes one to have an abortive mind. This mind causes a person to disqualify himself from the race even without attempting. Did you ever know of students who failed even before they sat for their examinations? They embraced failure in their minds and gave up any attempts to add extra effort in their pursuit to good education.  Others develop a low self-esteem and therefore disqualify themselves from being able to achieve anything. Do not allow anybody, any devil or yourself to limit you through discouragement. I urge you to get out of the train that never took you to your destination last year. Catch up with another mode of delivery, change your style for you must not give up. Do not remain at the same level of discouragement as you were last year otherwise you will give up. You need to get above the discouragement. You have sufficient potential to make you soar with wings into regions beyond where others have not reached.

Expectancy It is quite a loss to work without an expectation. Success in life demands that you be expectant in all your endeavors. Expectations give one hope to pursue the set goals without giving up. What other example can I give safe for a woman with a baby? From the day, she conceives the seed she lives the nine months with an expectation. The doctors affirm her expectation by telling her of EDD. Not a single day within those none months will a normal woman forget that she is expectant. The same call would I give to those who want to reap profitable dividends this year. May we live full of expectations that our labor will be rewarded. The same call is necessary on matters of faith. May we expectantly wait upon the Lord for his promises are yes and Amen. Have an expectant year. A farmer also puts his seeds in the ground and waits for germination, which gives him a lot of delight. Nevertheless, he has more hope than just germination and therefore waits for the crop to grow. He waters and prunes the crop as he waits for the fruit at harvest time. He sprays the fruit to protect it from pests that can deny the fruit from getting to maturity. He does all this with a heart full of expectation and his joy is made complete at harvest time. May your expectation keep you to the harvest time within this year. This year you will harvest if you loose not your heart. Remember you will need to water, prune and support the area in which you want to harvest.

Willingness. The greatest enemy of a man who want to achieve anything substantial is lack of willingness to pursue, in other words lack of a drive. Getting a dream is great but alone is not enough. Writing a business plan is not a major achievement as professionals can do it for you, but getting energetic enough to pursue your interest is the key to any achievement. Many people have had ideas but lack motivation to follow up their desires, they end up accomplishing nothing. Willingness must be embedded in the heart, mind and body of a man of a man who want to achieve his dreams. Willingness will make you to go an extra mile for your studies, marriage and family. Look at what confronted Jesus the great teacher during his ministry here on earth, “A man with leprosy came and knelt before him and said, "Lord, if you are willing, you can make me clean." (Mathew 8:1).  I believe that this man knew that if Jesus were willing then his miracle was imminent. We find Jesus never asked him whether he believed or not, rather Jesus reached out his hand and touched the man. "I am willing," he said. "Be clean!" Immediately he was cured of his leprosy. When there is willingness the impossible turns  to possible.  If you were willing to remain faithful to your spouse, you will ignore all other sellouts that are out there to wreck the families. If you were willing, you will have order in your family and the altar will be restored in your family crowning Jesus as king of your family.

Wishing you a very, very happy and productive year. Please lets us keep connected.

Please remember to watch FamilyRebuild Tv program every Thursday at 7.30pm on Sky 593. Also ask relevant question through our family discussion board on our website www.familyrebuild.org.

WORKSHOP FOR PARENTS.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year from Family Rebuild

24th December, 2008

We (as a family) and on behalf of Family Initiatives Trust would like to wish our esteemed readers and viewers of Family Rebuild a Merry Christmas and a happy new year. It is important to think whether you are ready for Christmas. If you have bitterness and unforgiveness in your heart, you are not ready for Christmas. If you have self-centeredness in your attitude, you are not ready for Christmas. It tells us in the Bible that we're to have the same attitude "as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in the very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death -- even death on a cross" (Philippians 2:5-8). Do you have that same attitude? If things become more important than people do, you are forgetting what Christ came on this earth to give to us. We are to be using things and loving people -- not the other way around. We urge you to simplify your Christmas. The greatest gift you can give your spouse and everyone around you this Christmas (and throughout the year) is the gift of the Love of Christ. I want to refer you to an internet site, which you also need to tell your loved ones about if they do not know Christ. It is www.needhim.com. It will help you to remember the REAL reason for the season.

In closing, we would like to leave you with these words from the Bible, "Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord" (Hebrews 12:14). "And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another -- and all the more as you see the Day approaching" (Hebrews 10:24-25). May the God of all mercies be with you as you confidently face the New Year. May you make your year to be a different one. Do not repeat all your past failures, rather work towards doing things differently. May you involve God in your day-to-day life in the year 2009.

2009 Family Clinic

FamilyRebuild/Family Initiative Trust welcomes the year 2009 with a very important and sought for clinic for parents. It will be on Saturday 10th January 2009 at Memorial Baptist Church 387-395 Barking Road, E13. Time will be from 3.00pm to 6.00pm.This Seminar is very important for all Parents, as it will be handle Educational issues touching on curriculum, Exams, homework and discipline and schools.

Please be available and inform another parent. Our children must perform or we will have ruined their generation. Children from Black communities have unique challenges, which the parents need to be aware of. The blacks are not foolish by any standard but generally, there is a high level of ignorance or assumption looming in our minds or hearts if not both. Correct information may be the best rod to drive it away.

Besides the information provided there will be a time to ask questions.

May I also invite you to participate in various programs that family Initiatives Trust will be involved in. Please keep checking in this column and in our website (www.familyrebuild.org) to get the details of our events in London and other cities.

Please let us be punctual as we remember that time wasted is life wasted.

Thanks and welcome.

Pastor Wangaruro

for Family Rebuild / Family Initiatives Trust.

Parents in law-Part 2

We all know Moses the man of God upon whom God revealed his ways. He had a bigger responsibility than an average person at the time. He was to lead the Israelites from the land of Bondage to the Promised Land. God used him to do many miracles before Pharaoh could allow them to leave Egypt.  Through the outstretched hand of God, they crossed the red sea as on dry land and their enemies were immersed in the waters when they dared to pursue them. After this great victory, Moses began to handle the complaints or disagreements that people had against one another. Moses would sit on the judgment seat from morning until evening. Jethro, his father in law who was visiting him saw Moses under intense pressure and was unhappy about it. He perceived his daughter might loose her husband out of fatigue soon or later. He was an intelligent man, a priest of the Medianites and shared his positive idea with Moses. He used what he had to strengthen her daughter’s marital relationship. Look at his response, “Moses' father-in-law replied, "What you are doing is not good. You and these people who come to you will only wear yourselves out. The work is too heavy for you; you cannot handle it alone. Listen now to me and I will give you some advice, and may God be with you. You must be the people's representative before God and bring their disputes to him. Teach them the decrees and laws, and show them the way to live and the duties they are to perform. But select capable men from all the people—men who fear God, trustworthy men who hate dishonest gain—and appoint them as officials over thousands, hundreds, fifties and tens. Let them serve as judges for the people at all times, but have them brought every difficult case to you; the simple cases they can decide themselves. That will make your load lighter, because they will share it with you. If you do this and God so commands, you will be able to stand the strain, and all these people will go home satisfied." Moses listened to his father-in-law and did everything he said. He chose capable men from all Israel and made them leaders of the people, officials over thousands, hundreds, fifties and tens. They served as judges for the people at all times. The difficult cases they brought to Moses, but the simple ones they decided themselves”. Exodus 18:17-24. He was not cunning in any way neither did he want to take over even though he appears to be wiser. His move was reinforcing as opposed to separating. The parents and the in laws should seek for the excellence of their children without an excessive desire of take over. Parents can advice their adult children who will have every right to accept, modify or reject that advice depending on their circumstances. When this advice is declined it should be done in love and respect.

Gifts from parents/inlaws                                                                                              Houses and wealth are inherited from parents, but a prudent wife is from the LORD. Proverbs 19: 14. It is something worthwhile to note that parents are to provide for their children even to the extent of leaving some inheritance for them. A good inheritance gives the children a stable start of independent life by the children. It is unfortunate that some parents put heavy demands on their children as a recompense for bringing them up. In deed, nobody should be charged for being born or even being educated. Good parenting which provides the best for the children always reap a good dividend from the children. The innate consciousness ministers to the children the need to care for the parents.  A forceful parent puts a lot of pressure on their son’s / daughter’s marriage when they put unrealistic demands on them.  “A good man leaves an inheritance for his children's children, but a sinner's wealth is stored up for the righteous”. Proverbs 13:22.

Gift to parents / in-laws                                                                                                                When Ruth came to her mother-in-law, Naomi asked, "How did it go, my daughter?"  Then she told her everything Boaz had done for her and added, "He gave me these six measures of barley, saying, and ‘don’t go back to your mother-in-law empty-handed.' " Then Naomi said, "Wait, my daughter, until you find out what happens. For the man will not rest until the matter is settled today."  Ruth 3:16-18. May we be reminded that the first commandment with a blessing is for children to obey their parents in the Lord. What parents have done for their children is well inscribed in the heart of every child whether good or bad. By extension of marital relationship, people tend to get another inscription from what their in-laws did to their spouses. Boaz sowed a seed of responsibility to Ruth, taking a measure of Barley to her mother in law. The children need to be taught from beginning how to deal with their parents and by extension their parents in law. When this responsibility is live in your children, they will set a measure of barley at Harvest time and not at your time as a parent.

Release and Bless  and support those widowed into a second remarriage.

With her two daughters-in-law she left the place where she had been living and set out on the road that would take them back to the land of Judah. Then Naomi said to her two daughters-in-law, "Go back, each of you, to your mother's home. May the LORD show kindness to you, as you have shown to your dead and to me. May the LORD grant that each of you will find rest in the home of another husband." Then she kissed them and they wept aloud. Ruth 1; 7-9. I will use this story of Naomi to demonstrate a perfect example of the relationship that existed between a mother in law and her daughters in law.  She had the two widows and she never bound them to her self. She wished them good and desired if they would remarry since they were still young. She understood that a woman is bound to her husband until death and vice versa. Therefore a young widow should not be kept under bondage of immorality where men of weak conscience would target her as a prey, it is good to release her for remarriage. It is also evil for parents who rush to grab the resources that their son had overlooking that it belonged to him and his wife. In this regard, we advise that men should have joint ownership of property with their wives. This will make one to be the sole owner of the estate on the event of a calamity that would demise the other one.

In this story of Naomi, we find that the two widows were given relevant advice rather than oppression. Orpah kissed her mother in law and after serious weeping; she went back to her own people because Naomi was going back to Bethlehem Judah, her ancestral land. Ruth’s heart wanted to remain with her mother in law and therefore refused a different persuasion. I would certainly say that both women followed their innate wish and convictions and were looking for settlement in a second home. Orpah went to the Moabites and we can only hope that she got a man from among her people while Ruth went with Naomi having embraced Naomi’s God, her people, and her destiny. There are many widows who have gone through hell at the custody of their in-laws. Moral uprightness should speak to the in laws of this generation not to touch a widow for her protector is God. How would we expect her to take care of her children if the in-laws have snatched her estate? The blow and the shock that a widow absorbs after the death of a husband is as fatal as death and being chased for a piece of land or a house is like killing her the second time. A widow needs peace, support and encouragement. If the Lord provides her with a man to marry then praise is to the Lord. In this instance may our community learn to encourage and support the young widows seeking re marriage. This is scriptural and far better than subjecting them with pain until they run away out of your accord not theirs.

The widow should on the other hand seek the help from God who understands everything. She must be very careful not to look desperate before men for many have become victims of abuse through their vulnerability. I do not wish to be suspicious of every man who comes to your help but there are those who want a reward after any bit of help or favor. Your stand in the faith and the awareness that God is your defender will keep the immoral man out of your house, for you shall not entertain him. A widow should seek the will of God on the issue of re-marriage and avoiding landing on a family man. Thou shall not touch another woman’s husband to become your husband as that will bring rage and is not acceptable in the eyes of God. It is better for a widow to remarry rather indulge in sinful practices. Apostle Paul gave this very relevant advice, “The widow who is really in need and left all alone puts her hope in God and continues night and day to pray and to ask God for help. But the widow who lives for pleasure is dead even while she lives. Give the people these instructions, too, so that no one may be open to blame”. 1Timothy 5: 5-7

Defend your spouse                                                                                                                some parents are very controlling and easily take over the running of their son's family. They demonstrate commitment to ‘their son’ and looks at his wife with indignation. Through this, they split their son's family and then blame it on the wife. This is contrary to what a family should be. We must give respect where respect is due. No matter how big a family is when the lady gets married she does so only to one man in that family. It is absurd for the in laws to expect that their son will meet with all their needs as he used to before marriage. Marriage creates an entity called a nucleus family headed by the man. This man attains the same status of headship just as his father. He therefore gets autonomy and mandate to rule his family without outside interference. If there is any interference it is simply because the man has allowed it, he has lowered his chatter; he has ignored his mandate as the head of the family (the vice versa is also true). As a head of the family, he should be able to draw the boundaries for his parents, brothers, sisters, relatives and friends. This makes all these parties to respect the said family. Allowing every one in your family (clan) to crisscross your family is putting your wife/husband in very difficult situation. You should determine the entry point to your family as a couple but not others. In as much as these people are your people it is good for a man to know that his wife takes a more focal point in his heart than them. It is your wife/husband first then your parents. For this reason shall a man leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife and both shall become one fresh.

Lastly, there is a big theory and history with the in-laws. Your wife can be threatened, abused or denied peace by the in laws if you as the husband do not defend her. Vise versa is true. NO BODY IS BETTER SUITED TO DEFEND A SPOUSE OTHER THAN HIS/HER OWN SPOUSE. Not doing it is a failure of core responsibility of the greatest order. May you respect your parents and your in- laws as the law of God commands. May you support them as much as you can after you have agreed with your spouse. May the men take the headship of their family with all diligence AND never allow their extended family members to take control of their nuclear family.

Remember to watch the family rebuild TV  program every Thursday at 7.30pm on sky digital channel 593.

The Sexual Sin - Part 1  

To be very precise it is very true that both normal male and female have innate sexual feelings and drives. These desires are often at the subconscious mind until when they are provoked (aroused). Men and women are different in their make up for example, the sexual desire of men tick at different excitement level. Sexual desire is controllable and depends on an individual’s will power, moral integrity and spiritual uprightness.  The bottom line is that human beings do not operate on instinct like beasts, though the power of sin at work in an individual can drive one from natural to beastly domain.

Sexual sin occurs when:

• A man or a woman sexually unites with someone other than a marriage partner. This means men who have carnal knowledge of a woman who is not their wife and vise versa or with an Animal.  This could be by consent, rape, or in exchange for money, which we call prostitution and happens across gender. These acts of sexual abnormality have existed within different cultures and the consequences for those who did them differed from culture to culture, but with God the standard is the same, the punishment for those who this is the same. A segment of the modern society openly supports immorality. The proponent of uncensored freedom has left society with immoral hangovers. The church has also supported this school of thought by being quiet thus accepting the theory of all-inclusive. When men indulge in this kind of sin, they sin against God who said, “Thou shall not commit adultery.”  The truth is that you cannot give yourself to the devil and escape serving his interests. May I remind you that God hates immorality. The book of proverbs, written in great wisdom, gives instructions to the persons trending on this path of immorality.

• Sexual immorality also happens when men commit sexual sin with objects such a dolls. In this era when divorce is viewed as acceptable, it is important for men to know that God has not changed his standard. God has spoken against this strange and unnatural behavior and his stand is that he loathes it; it is detestable in his sight. “Because that, when they knew God, they glorified him not as God, neither were thankful; but became vain in their imaginations, and their foolish heart was darkened.  Professing themselves to be wise, they became fools, And changed the glory of the incorruptible God into an image made like to corruptible man, and to birds, and four footed beasts, and creeping things”.  Roman 1: 21-23. From the Christian perspective, the side where I stand it is evil for a woman to get the sexual toys which the sexually intoxicated worldly people are using because the husband has not done a good job. We advise that a couple should discuss their sexual life regularly so that one is not stuffing with sexual need while the other one is not disturbed.  In marriage, you seek to fulfill each other’s need. Expressing your feelings is healthy in a marriage relationship. Failing to speak when you are not satisfied is a sign of immaturity and being naïve, all being detrimental to your marriage.

• Sexual sin occurs when a man has uncontrolled sexual desires towards another person to a point that he commits sin in the heart.  This kind of force is not love but its lust. Jesus very well explained this when he said, “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart”. Mathew 5: 28. Remember the opposite of this is true. Women who lustfully look unto men also do commit sin in their heart. It can easily happen between married people who admire other members of opposite sex disregarding their spouses. The starting point for this is what we call sex in the mind. This is usually triggered by being closer to a member of opposite sex emotionally, intimately, through unhealthy physical contact, and coarse jokes with a member of opposite sex. Men are inwardly affected by exposed parts of woman’s body, e.g. breasts, and thighs. We may not prescribe a dressing code but we urge women to have limits and dress reasonably. Breasts are considered private and sexual in nature. In this global era, there is every bit of freedom including nude society. There is another group called the celebrities, who know no boundaries.  The woman’s body has been schemed to affect the way things happen in the corporate world. Think of advertisement on the Television and the woman body, some sports clothes for women , the bill boards by the road side, just to mention a few. May the women know that their bodies are hallowed being the very birth channel for humanity.

• Sexual sin also occurs when you start developing intimate desires with a virtual image, this is happening in this era of second life through computer network.  The other day a national paper recorded a divorce case between a woman and a man because the man was caught red handed with a woman on the second life. The Mirror newspaper on 13th November reported, “Describing the moment she caught her husband, digital philandering, Taylor told Sky News: "I went mad - I was so hurt. I just couldn't believe what he'd done," "I looked at the computer screen and could see his character having sex with a female character. It's cheating as far as I'm concerned”. Would you take it just as a game if you found your spouse like this lady did? This is why we have to be in control, and we have to keep limits and remain within moral boundaries.   At this point I may address the issue of pornography which has also crippled many families. Watching sexual movies or other illicit publications sets your mind on the wrong person, emotions on the wrong thing, and lusting for evil is enhanced.

In conclusion we can overcome the temptation to sexual sin if we so purpose in our lives. James the preacher of Practical Christianity said, “But each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.” James 1; 14-15.Tempatation is not therefore a monster who is unbeaten, but rather an ‘invited friend ‘ who is entertained, nurtured and given a chance. The inner evil desires erupt when soothed and they yield as different sins. If you entertain a sexual desire with a colleague, a neighbor, a friend or even a member of your family, certainly it will yield at the end.  I pray that you will overcome any form of evil desire that knocks at your door in the name of Jesus. May we learn from the words that God told Cain, “If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must master it”. Genesis 4:7. We all encounter this trail but we must master it. We must master it. We must master it. We must master it. Let us not copy what the world is doing or what is wrongfully called modernity.

Please remember to watch Family rebuild TV program on sky channel 593 every Thursday at 7.30pm. Be in touch with us via email familyrebuild@yahoo.co.uk.

Spend time with your spouse

The last few weeks we've been looking at some factors that could enrich marriage relationships between friends who once told each other, “ yes I do”. I have some good article from Steve and Wendy Wright, who write in www.marriagemissions.com. I have made some few highlights.

For this week the subject will be spending time with each other in marriage. We aren't just talking about being physically in the same house or exchanging information that is necessary to run a household, but actually finding and MAKING the time to nurture your relationship so it can be strong and healthy in partnership with each other and with God. We call them "important maintenance measures" to KEEP our love and care for each other alive and vital. After-all, marriage is a living picture to the world of Christ's love for the church, so it's not a relationship we should take lightly!

It truly amazes us as we see married couples living in the same house, loving the same children, experiencing commonality with their faith, family and friends, and yet they lose their first love for each other. They allow "life" to slide in and create an expanding chasm between them. A person would think when you share as much history together, you would naturally know each other intimately and ultimately be best friends. But that just isn't true in many, many marriages.

"As much as we enjoy having close friends, many of us as couples overlook the most rewarding source of friendship we have -- each other. It doesn't start out that way. While dating, we work hard to please each other, even to the point of personal sacrifice. Yet in the bustle of daily life, friendship gradually becomes simply 'getting along.' Many couples are so caught up with kids, jobs, and church activities they have no time for friendship" (Conrad Smith).

Our  hearts are so burdened as we see this happening all around us. That's one of the many reasons we're so driven to help couples grow their marriages into being the healthiest and most loving relationships possible. If you don't believe you and your spouse can do this because of where you are in your lives today -- never, ever underestimate the miracles that God can do as you give your life to Him. "Nothing is impossible with God." We've seen the deadest of marriages resurrected into wonderful, vibrant relationships because of what God can do through even ONE spouse who commits to follow God's leading.

Maybe you think you have "married the wrong person" -- but as Dr Randy Carlson says, "You may think that you married the wrong person, but the day you married them, they became the right person because of the vow you made to them before God." God can help you to do what is right and also to awaken even a "dead" relationship as you allow Christ to live and love in and through you. We'd like to pass on to you a few additional quotes from "marriage experts" to help support the importance of what we've recently been explaining. We pray they will help you as you examine prayerfully what they write:

- "Marriage has no automatic pilot. You can't flick on a switch and lean back and forget about it. you have to stay at the controls, making adjustments, making it work. Every day you have to decide to love your wife/husband. For some reason we seem to think that because we enter into marriage in love, our love will automatically continue to grow for each other after the wedding without putting any work into keeping it going strong. That type of reasoning is a lot like saying, 'My car is filled up with plenty of fuel today, so it should be fine to keep using it from now on without doing anything else to it.'" (Dr Kevin Leman).

- "It's a sad state of affairs when we take better care of our cars and houses than we do our marriages. We change the oil, fill the tank, and periodically tune up our cars. We change light bulbs, wash windows, paint walls, unplug toilets, and re-roof our houses, but what do we do to maintain our marriage? The truth is: more damage is done than repairs are made. How important is your marriage? Is it more important to you than your car or your home? Are you willing to put in the time and energy and whatever else it takes to prove to your partner how valuable the relationship truly is to you?" (Dr Steve Stephens)

- "Saying 'I do' doesn't mean you're done! Nobody ever put gas in a car and expected it to run for years. But lots of couples are running on emotional fumes. Truth is, if you're not dating your spouse, your relationship is running out of gas." ("40 Unforgettable Dates with Your Mate")

- "Marriage gets the leftovers -- leftover energy, leftover excitement, leftover creativity, and leftover thoughtfulness. We do everything else first, and then, if there's time and we're not exhausted, we'll see if there's something special or loving we can do for our spouses. I wonder what would happen if we flipped this around, if we started working after we focused on being married; if we fit our play and recreation around our duty to our spouses; if the kids had to occasionally give up something in order for Mom and Dad to get together -- instead of the other way around. What would our marriages be like then? (Gary Thomas)

-"Instead of waiting for your [spouse] to be romantic, go ahead and try initiating romance yourself. That's right --you! Sometimes we women (and many husbands) cling to the silly notion that spelling it out for [our spouse] ruins the romance. We want them to read our minds and create the romantic evening we've always dreamed of. Frankly, we need to get over it! If we don't invest in romantic love, we take the risk that our marriage will become dull, boring, and disconnected. More marriage die because two people drift apart than because of a crisis." (Melanie Chitwood)

- "Making your spouse a priority in your mind and a priority on paper (in your schedule) are different. We can say our spouse is a top priority, but do we make sure we schedule time to spend with them? Also, our definition of how we 'connect' can be different. We need to make sure we both feel we're connecting." (Tim Downs)

- "Marriage relationships, like all living things, need constant nourishment in order to flourish and grow. Simply put, marriage relationships need attention. ...Marriages are like my house. I live in a two-story home surrounded by evergreen trees. When I clean out the gutters, I think the job should last for a year. But I'm mistaken. Pretty soon, needles and debris choke the downspout again. I think that my front porch light bulb should last for an eternity. I'm always surprised when it goes out and needs to be replaced. Our furnace has air filters which should continue unaffected for 10 years or more. Instead, if not cleaned out 2-3 times a year, they simply cease to function.

"What's the matter with my house? Nothing! Even superior homes containing good foundations and solid building materials require maintenance. Always, they require attention. In the same way, even superior marriages with great foundations of years together and solid relational skills require maintenance to realize their full, God-given potential." (Art Hunt)

"Love, by itself, is not enough to sustain even the most loving couples. Marriage requires new skills in communication, conflict resolution and so on. Love alone cannot protect a marriage from harm. But love combined with effective skills can overcome all." (Drs Les and Leslie Parrot) "Love is the one business in which it pays to be an absolute spendthrift: Give it away; splash it over; shake the basket; and tomorrow you'll have more than ever." ("God's Little Instruction Book on Love")

We pray you will work together to make your marriages grow healthy in intimate, covenantal love with each other and with God, knowing that a "cord of three strands is not easily broken." Please know that our love and prayers are with you.

 For any question please contact us via our email: familyrebuild@yahoo.co.uk. Remember to watch the familyrebuild Tv program every Thursday at 7.30pm on Sky digital channel 593.

Parents in-law – PART 1

A menace or a blessing?

There has been a great outcry and many people from many nationalities are calling family rebuild looking for a vent to release pressure that has built up as a result of confusion, pain and conflict of interest from their parents in law. Generally, there is an ancient boundary mark between the in laws and their children. Unfortunately, in our times it seems the boundary has been moved or seems to have been moved. The cultural systems that kept parents from interfering with their children seems to have collapsed and the parents have ‘forcefully infringed’ in the lives of their children. The curtain has been removed, the children feel under immense pressure with their privacy exposed, and their freedom put under curfew. The question under scrutiny is what the role of the in laws is in their children’s marriage. I will take two series to address this delicate issue seeking to draw a thin line that should relax the tension and yet retain respect that has since disappeared.

In laws at the parenting stage

It is true that your parent will always be your parent wherever you go. If you fly like an Eagle, swim like a fish or run like a gazelle and off you go your parents remain unchangeable. Whether your social status changes or you become learned than all your village mates, you are still your mum’s boy or girl. Nobody will ever have two sets of parents, whether you like or dislike them, whether they are poor or rich, educated or illiterate, you cannot change who your parents are. People can change nationalities, may forget or neglect their parents but the truth is they will never have another set of parents. Parents could have a number of children, and may prefer one to the other depending on certain favours.  Isaac preferred Esau the first-born while Rebecca preferred Jacob yet the two were twins. Parenting is a God given mandate, which should be taken with all seriousness. I believe that a good parenting package should provide the following ingredients to the children; Love, food, shelter, safety, health, good behaviour, faith, ambition, self-esteem, and education. Some of these qualities are the bed upon which the others rest, with all round achievement being at the top. There is failure that loomed around many parents some days past who assumed that the church or the school would provide these qualities. Those days are gone and the dot com generation has left the computer, television, and peers to do the work. No wonder the outcry from every corner, on every street and home.  May I say that the first school, first hospital, first church is at home and all the other institutions are only supplementing.

Parents in law and their role?

Parents in law are the parents of your spouse and therefore as important as your own parents. The only difference is that they do not know you as much as they do their son or daughter. The parent’s role in getting a spouse for their son/daughter may be two fold,

• Parents should provide good counsel to their children early enough before they start looking around. They should have had time to talk to their children about life and marriage even before love begins to vex them. Unfortunately, most parents are shy to do this and they wish that age mates, church or school will do it. This does not have to be very impossible but make some special occasions where you address some life’s challenging situations. This may not be best lecture that your children will ever have received but it will be one of the most important one that they will have missed if you so ignore it.
• Praying for your son /daughter. It is important for you to make prayer for the family of your children. Parents need to support the families that their children will settle in by prayer and good will. Pray for a good fiancé or fiancée for your son/daughter and when time comes you will not be surprised.

There are some cultures who deny their youths the right of choice of a life’s partner. Such a practice is primitive and may cause intimidation, molesting and break down of value for marriage.  Most cultures have developed through education and exposure and the youths have the responsibility of identifying the missing limb. Some parents, especially mothers may tend to impose certain clans, regions, or race for their to be daughter or son in law. I think the parents should relax because with the era where globalization has got a pinch then the boundaries for a fiancé will be the oceans not the villages.  

Parents and their son

The main problem in this area is when parents take over the management of their son’s home disregarding that this is a an entity on its own. When this happen sometimes it pushes the wife of their son into a corner and her say is disregarded. If the woman tend s to show that this is my home she become alienated, hated, despised, slandered and if her husband is the type that cannot defend her she sinks in the valley of despondence. The husbands should know that there is nobody else to defend the wife from the hostility of his people, her in laws. If he cannot do it she is done. Parents need not be physically involved in getting a fiancé or fiancée for their children for that might infringe on their romance and the intimacy.  Love is costly and when it bites, even much water cannot stop it. The parents are aware of the love development for they have passed there already and it is therefore important to respect the privacy involved. Men go through a hard time when proposing for marriage especially if they are of respectable standing in the society. Trying to guide your son or daughter when love has woken up is like disturbing a hen that is ready to lay an egg. Any parent who have counseled and prayed for his/her children will rest assured that they will not go for a wrong choice. With this assurance then a parent can afford to be anxiety free.

Children are given to be with the parents for a time after which they must settle on their own. Culturally it reflects badly if a man is of age and still lives with the parents. When God initiated the family plan he said, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh” Genesis 2; 24. This is the heavenly requirement for the establishment of a home, that the son will leave his father and mother. Unfortunately some parents have been following their sons and their daughters pulling them back home. The mother for instance becomes alarmed by the woman whom their son is married to. They begin to protect their son from his wife whom he loves thus creating a dent or a split in their family. Once your son/daughter has left you to settle in his/her family, then it is imperative that you give them space. It is very unkind for you as a parent to wage war against the wife of your son or the husband of your daughter, just because she or he is not your choice.  It is wrong for parents to become the agents of the devil to separate what God has joined together. Oh, beloved mothers please would you keep a safe distance. Do not inflict pain to the bride of your son, for by doing so you create a lift between two loving people who have already accepted each other. If there is anything you can do in the family of your son is to give an affirmation and support to the woman who will live with your son for life. It is very unfortunate if parents would be involved in sowing seeds of discord in the family of their children. Yes it’s true that you love your son and wish him good, but this will not happen if you show him how evil the woman he loved is. 

Parents and their daughter

The opposite is also true and happens though the frequency is not as high, where the parents of the daughter manipulate their daughter to control the husband. Men usually keep a safe distance from their in laws and they really try to do so. Unfortunately there are those in laws who are forceful and demanding. They disrespect the husband of their daughter by demanding things from her. When your daughter gets married she moves from her parent’s home and goes for good to build a genealogy with her husband. She gets under new authority and has boundaries and limits. Her parents now have to know that she now belongs to somebody else whose authority MUST be respected. It is important for the parents not to assume that their daughter will be available for them just as she was while she was single. No, now her devotion has been translated to her husband. Of course that does not mean that she will forget them, no not at all for even children have responsibility to their parents. It would be kind for the parents to make reasonable request to their children, bearing in mind that the answer could yes, no or wait. The truth is your daughter has priorities for her family and they may not be that well suited at that particular time. Again your daughter no longer has personal riches as she used to have before tying the knot. In any real marriage the finances belong to both the wife and the husband and their disbursement comes after dialogue based on their plan and priorities. I believe children would feel more attached to a gift they give freely and out of their own accord as opposed to a demand from a parent. Parents need to know that the children really appreciate their effort in supporting them while they were getting educated and by no means are you charging them after they have become of age. 

The bond of unity-Two families

Parents in law have a responsibility to accept their daughter in law irrespective of their background. If the wife/husband of your son/daughter comes from a culture that you do not like or from a people you have distanced yourself from for one reason or another then you have got to love him/her. Days when clans hated each other are gone for the world has been condensed to a small village, movement made possible, education has brought enlightment and faith has brought the satanic divisions down. Many young families have suffered through being rejected by some parents, they get repelled and are hated, a thing that is against mutual respect.  The marriage of your son or daughter should over rule all the past tales and differences. Two sets of parents irrespective of their culture or social status are brought together by the marriage of their children. The two sets of parents and their extended families become looped together through the marriage of their children thus enlarging the family. Our custom dictates that the newly formed friendship be sustained through mutual respect. The two parents are obligated to keep a ‘safe’ distance to allow the unfolding of a unique nucleus family formed by their children. There are some parents who refuse to embrace the other set of parents and they keep a lift which unfortunately will translate to their children. Every spouse would like his /her parents respected. Your children will respect you more when you learn to respect their family. Some in laws shift their focus from their own family to that of their children, which is very sad. A Man leaves his father and mother, and the parents must therefore accept the fact that their son has left.

Do not control the marriage of your son or daughter.

The truth of the matter is the children’s family must be different from that of their parents. The way they do things will be different from the way their parents did theirs. Parents should not seek a photocopy of their family experiences on their children. The children will have many things they might want to do differently depending on resources, skills, money, space, jobs, and opportunities available at their disposal. The children are under no obligation to let their parents know every nit gritty of their progress; it’s upon them if they chose to leak a few. They might choose to ask for advice from their parents though not obligated.  Whatever advice or suggestion given stands to be subjected to their scrutiny after which they may shelf it, accept it or reject it and this should not cause any ill feelings to the parents. This is because the young couple would be having other priorities, or may not be in a good financial stand at that particular moment. Maturity and respect which are key things in dealing with your son’s/ daughter’s marriage dictates that you remove any personal interests in their finances, development or relationship. It is quite embarrassing that children have complained against a swindling racket from their in laws. Children should know of their responsibility to their parents which they should execute at their own pace, and when need arises.

To be continued next week.

Determination for a healthy marriage

12TH NOVEMBER, 2008

There is a better thing in marriage! We need to identify it. We have seen a bad side of marriage through divorce, separations and fighting.  The framework that we have seen in the recent past especially for Diaspora community leaves very little to be desired. Once both the spouses are making enough money and have known that police and social services can provide ‘urgent or ‘emergency’ help then respect escapes through the window, values through the door, the fear of God evaporates, and a couple that was once respected, begins a down slide into separation or divorce.

The era of governing through violence is gone and normal human being should exercise restraint. Yes I know we all get angry, frustrated by one thing or another within marriage just as it is within working environment, or in the bus, or a shopping mall. Maturity dictates that we reason out, be very slow to react. Let us create a good environment where a woman can express herself peacefully and without threats of using police force in the family. Let the police deal with criminals and not with a loved one who is the father of your children and who won your heart among all other men. Like wise men let us eliminate dictatorial rule that ended with Hitler, rather let us know that our women have good thinking minds, have feelings and deserve respect also. May we know that they were designed and created to be helpers. Have you ever called the AA rescue team when your car stalled? I have seen them come not with so many sophisticated equipments, sometimes they use a wire and the door / window opens. The point is, they may come with the same equipment as you had, but then use them in a different way and your car is restored to the road. Why? Because their mission was of rescue in nature and were therefore equipped for it. Like wise a woman is created for the benefit of a man. Therefore a man should work closely with his wife and both should cooperate at every corner.

Identify your role

May I put it to all of us that help may be provided by counselors, pastor, elders, or even concerned friends, but if the said couple is not ready to reason together then nothing else will make their family work. As a Design and Technology professional, I know that nothing will be designed and made before a design asking some overwhelming questions. There is need for us as individuals to answer this question,

• Why did I get married? Or why do I want to get married?
• What was I looking for in marriage? What is my role in marriage?
• Who should provide what I was looking for? – Who is responsible?
• Which are my weak and strong areas? – What help do I need?
• Where do I get what I need? – identify the resourceful people in that area.
• How can I get it? – think of the Strategy

Marriage can work very well whether in Africa or in abroad. If a couple would sit down and try to analyze the above questions for their family then they would be on a pathway to a successful family. A good marriage is never bought, acquired or wished for, it is worked for. This statement has just told us that a successful marriage is not an evolution of luck or magic, rather it is being accountable to each other and owning up our mistakes with a mind set of not repeating the same mess. It takes determination, forbearance, focus, and commitment. There are many examples surrounding us of what a marriage should not be. People must create time to discuss things that would benefit their families. These must become part of your daily talk. Good happenings should teach you as well as bad happenings. If your friend has fallen in a pit, falling in the same pit would be a sign of ignorance, or rebellion.

Is there any miracle for a good marriage?

Why should we put all this effort for our marriages? The reason is because there is no miracle for a good marriage. God gives a good wife to a good man but the two are responsible to make a good marriage. The question is why doesn’t it happen?  We need to know that every action that takes place is based on some principle. Some mechanical wheels somewhere, or muscle action for animals causes movement. Water will flow depending on the gradient because of the action of gravity. Having raw materials does not give us sparkling jewels until the same has been taken through the purifying furnaces. Having fuel in the car tank does not make the car to move until the ignition has been kicked, and the energy to rotate the wheels generated. The deposits of Gold, Diamond, and Oil which lay underground in some countries of Africa will not eliminate poverty until they have been dug and processed into fine products. It is the circulation of a currency that brings increase or prosperity. Good qualities in a spouse are only useful if they are operational and not hidden.

Utilize your good deposit for your marriage

Consequently a good marriage will be processed by each of the spouse delving deep inside one’s self and putting those human qualities at work in their marriage. When this happen then there will be a flow, understanding, and progress in marriage. All spouses have potential, unused ability, to make their marriage sparkle. They only need to accept to go through the crushing process when part of the foolishness is dropped down, through some filtering where some of their traditions are strangled, then through a furnace when part of their pride is burnt, through manufacturing line where their thinking is reshaped. Do not come from a ‘village’ loaded with village mentality and think just because you have won a woman/man that you have made a marriage. You will be in for a big shock. Before a good marriage can be visible you have got to accept to re learn things that your tradition told you they are dear. You have to accept that the changing time will leave you behind if you are slow to catch up. Things are changing very rapidly and in many directions. Do not be too rigid with traditions that does not work and do not be too flexible to the destroying of the very fabric of the family namely the morals, values and standards.

Ask for help early enough

Lastly consider one another, do not be too selfish. Marriage involves two of you until a child is born. Some men (women) have been very selfish; they want to experience a change for better life alone without their spouses or children. Leaving your wife/husband for a young one is not only evil but is an indication of failure in your part as a spouse. I would urge people to seek for help early enough before they have hurt each other beyond repair. Do not wait to ask for help until the fight has disabled you and have no more energy left within you. The way to save a leaking dam is to seal it when a small crack or hole appears.

Retain your integrity

Do not knock down your spouse to a discouragement level which leads to a point of no return. If you knock the leaking area instead of sealing it, it will widen and pour more of the love that is meant for the family. Learn to become a spouse who seals for we all leak in one area or another. Many marriages break down because of marital unfaithfulness or misuse of finances, things which can easily be avoided. Holding all factors constant, I believe there is not woman better than the other in terms of functionality. A woman was created with helping innate qualities. When people get married they remove their attention from elsewhere and they ought to concentrate on each other.  Any love wasted on line is love denied your spouse and children. Any love and money spent on another lover is love and money denied your spouse and children. Remember any lover who is not your committed spouse will trade on you, with only a single interest to drain you. You get drained in your pockets, energy and mind. Please do not feed the parasites while your family is starving and in need of you.

EDUCATION & ETHICS

Will You Write My University Essay for me?

 It is with all due respect to our esteemed scholar, the lime light of our society, the future doctors, engineers, social workers, bankers, educationists, and others in specialized academic disciplines. Knowledge is defined as ‘expertise, and skills acquired by a person through experience or education; the theoretical or practical understanding of a subject’, Knowledge is a profound thing, which gives us understanding of life in all its intricate and multi facets. It is a key that unlocks ignorance - a thing that has crippled families, killed dreams, retarded communities and lagged the pace of development.

Knowledge is hidden in various archives and only the prudent are able to retrieve. Mostly knowledge is hidden in the pages of books written by those who have gone before us. This means knowledge is within people and is exchanged through learning and not by osmosis. Very few people discover something new by their own for all that is has been. Whatever new discovery is based on what existed before, this is knowledge building upon knowledge, because knowledge is additive. 

It is the prime responsibility for a scholastic candidate to peruse the pages of the books and extract whatever necessary information that he/she needs to infer or to apply directly. In academics as it is in life no one can think on behalf of another. In law we hear of terms like ‘impersonate’ where a person pretends to be another or masquerade as another. This becomes a criminal offense e.g. If you requested a person to sit for a driving test on your behalf, then that fool that accepts will be impersonating you. He would want to show the world that the intelligence he is using is yours while in the real sense is not. He might be a very good driver but his act will place unqualified driver on the public roads. The new driver who is unqualified but steering the motor as a qualified one endangers not only himself but everybody else. In this case the conscience for both is dead.

I have used just an example to represent many fields in which this kind of impersonations could result to disaster and for the sake of this forum will address those who have been seeking for people who could write college essays for them. Dear learned friend it will be a disaster to present a faked work, copied essays, or work that other people have done as though it were yours. I believe having ascended to A-level stage or the University, you know the sin of plagiarism. In academics we need to research, analyze, deduce, infer, conclude giving reasons for your personal view, if at all we aspire to be professionals. There is inner pride and a genuine ownership of authority where a student presents individual work. You should know very well, there are such silly mistakes that you could do and threaten your character, peoples’ lives, qualification standards and even your conscience. If yet you do not understand what am saying then put yourself in these shoes: 1) If you learnt that the pilot of a troubled plane in which you are traveling never passed his exam but that someone else wrote it for him, What would be your reaction? Would you feel very happy? Would you be comfortable with such a pilot? 2) How would you feel if you discover that the doctor operating on you is working on borrowed qualifications? I believe it would add baggage of stress on your sick body and mind. Then would you still be comfortable with people writing papers for others? I do not think so.

As an educationist, I must express my displeasure to anyone calling others to copy a written essay or write on their behalf. If you do so then we need to ask, Whose work will it be if someone writes an essay for you? What understanding will you be showing to the world after such a brain photocopy? Imagine if another kid wrote names for your child who is learning to write for an exchange of a sweet or a toy. When the results come, he/she will have a sticker for excellent work but in reality, he/she is a dwarf in understanding.  An acute level of dyslexic may be excused if someone has to copy for you as you explain the points. Remember as a scholar who is seeking excellence you can ask another scholar to comment on your work before submitting it to the lecturer – and that is acceptable. In the computer era people have their scripts typed already, though if you have written on paper some one can type it for you.

We have heard of people who buy and sell academic qualifications online or otherwise, a thing that kills the very fabric of ambition and achievement. If the extent of the problem becomes exposed to the authorities it could make degrees possessed by people from certain communities to black mailed. This act has every potential to ruin opportunity for those whose effort deserves rewarding and for our children also.  I would encourage people to work hard and indeed very hard, yes to the point of burning the midnight oil as they say. Do not set a wrong precedence of ruining the standards because such a vice spread like wild fire in all dimensions. If we do not have conscience strong enough to control our appetite of academic cheating, then the same weakness will translate into our morals, family commitment, faith and all aspects of life.  Once a weakness holds the grip of one’s life it takes roots and operates in various dimensions.

If you are a pursuing a course, I will give you a few tips to follow:

• Be sure that you have chosen a course that you are comfortable with or the field that you are interested in and not necessarily, what others want.

• Plan your time for there is a rush and especially if you are to work, parent, love a wife or husband.

• Make good preferences or get the right priority. Do not over plan or assume that you could work full time and be a full time student, a full time mum or full time in the pubs or other social gatherings, full time on the TV and mobile.

• Associate with like-minded people. Do not expect to get a first class when you are also the assistant chief of the village politics.

• In case you take a full time course and still work then be sure to have very good discipline. Have time to study, be with family and take few shifts.

• Those of you who are married and are planning to go back to books need a lot of support from their spouses. Their going back to school might mean changing the way things normally happen. It means the other spouse might do extra duties together with work. He/ she might need to help more with the household chores, It is vital that your spouse understand that your success is for the good of the family.

• Work closely with your supervisor and meet the dead lines as required. Show your supervisor that you understand and are interested with success. Never the less know your boundaries and especially be gender sensitive. Do not give sexual bribes for grades. It has happened to others, therefore be on the lookout.  Do not start strange relationships just because you have seen some sharp brains in your lecture room.

Keeping the marriage fiber

I would like to share with you a few tips that are relevant to sustaining a strong family fabric in the midst of the hostile world that we are living in. Most of the policies advocated by western authorities are anti family in context. The media makes money to publicize stories of those divorcing and re marrying for money. The crop of celebrities is the weakest model to emulate for family stability, yet the publicity around them has big impact up the wider society.

I will take time to share with you the following points that would keep your marriage out of the divorce statistics. Family needs daily commitment just like faith. Is there any serious athlete who desires to win the race yet fails to do regular practice? Why should we think that we could enjoy warmth in our relationships while we fail to communicate with our spouses?  We fail to create time for our children and yet expect them to behave like angels, e. t. c.  The following seven points are rich with rebuilding challenge and information suitable to keep your relationship on track.

1) Do a personal reflection: deceive not yourself that you are very good. The inner look pinpoints to you some assumptions and failures associated with you. Whenever you get to know your failures, the best you can do is to get onto the route map of change. Remember no one else will change on your behalf. We always make many mistakes when we expect our spouses to change for reasons associated with our own mistakes.  One of our very common phrases in family rebuild says that, “For compatibility, your spouse could be waiting for a changed you for.”

2) Resolve that your family will not break because of your bad behaviour. The problem with the present day generation seems not to learn from mistakes that others commit, and that is a great failure. In 2007, over 128, 534 couples applied for divorce in the UK. For all these divorces, behaviour was the most fact proven. Some of the behaviour patterns are drunkenness, marital unfaithfulness, domestic violence, irresponsible attitude and behavior. It is unthinkable to assume that your spouse will be happy with you when you are always drunk. Your children will get very little positive support from a drunken parent. No wife would like to share her husband with another woman. It is therefore a misconception for a man to think his wife will be okay with him going out with every other woman in today’s age and time. It is dirty, sinful and utter disrespectful to surprise your wife. The opposite of this is true as pertaining to women.

3) Do not get to a point of despair where you think that there is no hope for your family. It is a big mistake that people will be negative against their spouse and still expect to reap a positive benefit from it. The presence of a problem in a marriage should not separate a couple rather it should ring bells that dialogue is long over due. A failing spouse will internalize a problem and shift the blame to the spouse. This will become a shield against progressing anything else on a positive path. A blamed spouse is unproductive in many areas. There is a common a statement quoted from the bible like “as a man thinketh so is he”.  It is important to fill your mind with power of positive thinking for this will yield more fruit as opposed to negative. May I urge you to pronounce positive things about your marriage despite the problem? The power of life and death is on your tongue, whatever therefore you pronounce pertaining to your family will trail behind it in due time. Speak well about your marriage, spouse, and children.

4) Be ready (willing) to change for the benefit of your family, any little change will move your family many steps ahead. We are all familiar with the slogan used by the Tesco, “every little helps” I am persuaded that this is equally true with marriage as is with savings. Be ready to make positive adjustment in your marriage, a little time for one another, a little time for the children, a little time for evaluation, a little there and a little here and your family is strengthened. Sometimes you fail to reach to an agreement because you are tuned on a 'NO Change' band. Without this readiness, your efforts will fail to yield a sweet fruit. Do not push your spouse to change when you are not ready to change yourself. Any bad behaviour will only disappear by replacing it with another good behaviour. Your bad companion will need a replacement with good friends.

 

5) Avoid racing and competing in your family matters for they are meant for the benefit of your family. I have met many families where competition is the order of the day. Unfortunately, this kind of racing has no trophies or prizes. It is a fact that a couple is made up of two different people with enormous potential to make a strong family. It is incredible that a couple could be fighting for having different gifts, careers, or jobs. Maturity in marriage dictates that the two unique people come together for a unique nucleus family. Your family is unique and has characteristics not like any other. Competition is therefore unwelcome. Let not one of you seek to domineer over the other one for you are making the same family. You need to give each other time during dialogue.

6) Divorce is not a solution! It is the worst and most painful method of resolving conflicts.  Its memories linger long painfully to death. The emotions of the children become shattered and their memories always hurt. The children are forced to take sides in the disagreement, which the two adults should have sorted out. The performance of these children who are already in disarray is grossly affected to the shame of the parents. Research has found out that children perform better in an environment of both biological parents. One parent will bring up the children but there will be some level of imbalance in some areas. In the modern culture, we have seen divorce creating a situation for visiting dads. It was never meant to be so from the beginning. People think it as an achievement to be a visiting dad or to keep custody of one child while per any standard it is a great failure. Unless you change your self the same problem will be repeated again even in another relationship.  

7) Seek help early enough before everything break loose. It is least to be desired when two adults prolong their disagreement. It is unavoidable to face challenges through life changes but it is within a couple’s choice to minimize the duration of a challenge. There is a possibility that you can reach your end without obtaining a solution. At such moments, you might need to seek further help, do consultations, or even take time to retreat and pray.  A couple who hits a rock should seek a wise counsel from respectable people in their lives. There are marriage counselors who can be of help to you and stop eroding each other at the expense of love and unity. This requires the two to shed down their pride and put family at heart. Remember other people have faced the same challenges before you and have sailed victoriously. Be determined and refuse to settle in a creeping relationship when there is infinite source of help available for you.

Remember to contact us for further help on familyrebuild@yahoo.co.uk. Determination will bring your relationship into a plateau of joy and progress, while giving up will bring pain untold. Please check and contact us also on our website www.familyrebuild.org

Appreciating and Depreciating Each Other -

London, 19th October, 2008

I found this message relevant to relationship issues and after discussing it with my wife, we found it worthy to post it here for your readership. May God bless you as you patiently go through it to the end. God bless you mightily. Pastor Wangaruro

“When you live together day in and day out, for some reason, it seems to be a natural progression (or regression) to notice that which you DON'T appreciate about each other, rather than what you do. Somehow the negatives grab our attention to the point where they erase the positives from our minds completely. And this is truly sad, because if we looked beyond the blinding negatives, we'd probably see a lot of positives hidden away, deserving of our recognition.

We're told in the Bible in 1 Corinthians 13:7, that love "believes all things, hopes all things." That means that we actively look for the good and believe that God will bring out the best in the situations we find ourselves in with those we love. That's especially true in our marriages. Even that which is negative can be redeemed in some way when we are participating with God.

Last week we shared from the "Love Dare" book by Stephen and Alex Kendrick on leading with your heart and will, rather than following your feelings, which can easily be deceived. We had a great response from many that hadn't thought of love in that way. We'd like to share one more principle, hoping it will help in some way. For those of you that CAN purchase the book, we highly recommend it. There are many other principles that we believe you would benefit from implementing in your marriage. (For those of you that can't obtain the book because you live outside of the U.S. and it isn't available to you yet, we encourage you to go to the publisher's web site to ask them how you can obtain it. Their web site is www.BHPublishingGroup.com) (Please do not worry about the past series)

The portion of the book we'd like to share with you at this time, reads: "In the deep and private corridors of your heart, there is a room. It's called the Appreciation Room. It's where your thoughts go when you encounter positive and encouraging things about your spouse. And every so often, you enjoy visiting this special place.

"On the walls are written kind words and phases describing the good attributes of your mate. These may include characteristics like "honest" and "intelligent," or phrases like "diligent worker," "wonderful cook," or "beautiful eyes." They are things you've discovered about your husband or wife that have embedded themselves in your memory. When you think about these things, your appreciation for your spouse begins to increase. In fact, the more time you spend meditating on these positive attributes, the more grateful you are for your mate.

"Most things in the Appreciation Room were likely written in the initial stages of your relationship. You could summarize them as things you liked and respected about your loved one. They were true, honorable, and good. And you spent a great deal of time dwelling on them in your room ... before you were married. But you may have found that you don't visit this special room as often as you once did. That's because there is another competing room nearby.

"Down another darker corridor of your heart lies the Depreciation Room, and unfortunately you visit there as well. On its walls are written the things that bother and irritate you about your spouse. These things were placed there out of frustration, hurt feelings, and the disappointment of unmet expectations. This room is lined with the weaknesses and failures of your husband or wife. Their bad habits, hurtful words, and poor decisions are written in large letters that cover the walls from one end to the other. If you stay in this room long enough, you get depressed and start expressing things like, 'My wife is so selfish,' or 'My husband can be such a jerk." Or maybe, 'I think I married the wrong person.'

"Some people write very hateful things in this room, where tell-off statements are rehearsed for the next argument. Emotional injuries fester here, adding more scathing remarks to the walls. It's where ammunition is kept for the next big fight and bitterness is allowed to spread like a disease. People fall out of love here.

"But know this. Spending time in the Depreciation Room kills marriages. Divorces are plotted in this room and violent plans are schemed. The more time you spend in this place, the more your heart devalues your spouse. It begins the moment you walk in the door, and your care for them lessens with every second that ticks by.

"You may say, 'But these things are TRUE!" Yes, but so are the things in the Appreciation Room. Everyone fails and has areas that need growth. Everyone has unresolved issues, hurts, and personal baggage. This is a sad aspect of being human. We have all sinned. but we have this unfortunate tendency to downplay our own negative attributes while putting our partner's failures under a negative glass.

"Let's get down to the real issue here. Love knows about the Depreciation Room and does not live in denial that it exists. But love chooses not to live there. You must decide to stop running to this room and lingering there after every frustrating event in your relationship. It does you no good and drains the joy out of your marriage."

As the authors say, it is important to "start thinking differently" and to let "love lead your thoughts and your focus." They have more to say on this subject, as well as a Love Dare to point you to action. But we hope that if you can't obtain the book for whatever reason, you will at least prayerfully consider what they have written to this point.

We hope you will ask the Lord to help you to be someone who "believes all things, and hopes all things." If you have a difficult marriage, where your "partner" does not return your actions of love, ask the Lord to show you how to lead in love and do what He shows you. That doesn't mean that you excuse, enable, or overlook inappropriate behavior, but make sure that whatever you do is MOTIVATED by the love that comes from God. Turn from depreciating and begin, with intentionality, to look for what you can appreciate in your mate that will encourage him or her.

"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds" (Hebrews 10:23-24). "Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity" (Colossians 3:12-14).

Our love and prayers are with you,
Cindy and Steve Wright

P.S. If you think of others who may benefit from these weekly messages, please forward this to them and encourage them to subscribe to this FREE ministry. To subscribe, go to our web site, www.marriagemissions.com and click on "subscribe" and fill in the necessary information.

Remember to watch family rebuild program on Thursdays at 7.30pm on sky channel 593. For any clarification or question, please be in touch via familyrebuild@yahoo.co.uk or 07940105578. Also you could visit our website on www.familyrebuild.org.

 Challenges in Marriage

London, 12th October, 2008

Overcome  through understanding

Friends, marriage is sweet but many times through our day-to-day experience, there is more bitter or sour taste than the sweetness intended. Two loving people who are very positive at start form marriage. If this is how you began, it was the right way. You have looked at life with optimism. Where does the problem then come in? Marriage is a life to be lived but not an event for one-day celebration. Most of the people in the modern community have a lot of energy to prepare for the wedding day as opposed to marriage. They leave a legacy of a big and a colorful wedding. The wedding bells stop ringing when the couple is whisked after their last dance at the reception hall. The friends go home with precious memories of an eventful day of Mr. and Mrs. so and so. Some people who care like your parents or those disturbed by the rate of marital breakdown will be holding their breath and making prayers from the inside, telling God, “may their marriage be as good as this wedding”. Please ensure that you make a marriage that is greater than your wedding.

Many of us who went to school discovered that life has some order and follows some pattern. There are formulae to use if we are to get some quantities. Can you remember how to get the volume of a sphere? Can you get it using another formula like that of getting the area of a circle? The shapes may look the same when drawn on paper but the formulae for different quantities are very different. Marriage has formulae and we all need to know how and when to apply which formula. We will be lying to say that people living together are never facing challenges that threatens their unity, peace and joy. A couple are best suited to tackle the challenge if they know it plus its origin.  I welcome you to go with me through the following discussion that enumerates a few sources of these challenges.

• There are internal challenges that emanates from the characteristic, which define who we are. These could be family background, personality traits, level of intelligence, and our general perception of life. Some are deeply embedded in our lives since were born with them, others were taught by our parents and society. Any force applied by the spouse does not easily remove them. A spouse ought to work on the those which are un desirable in their marriage until they are gradually overcome. Only the necessary ones should remain. Remember culture is dynamic and it changes. Therefore a couple need to filter the modern influence by use of cultural filters and above Biblical filters which sets the standard. Personality traits are changeable through exposure and education. There is therefore great need that each spouse will go through personal development training that will raise his or her esteem, performance and character. There is a lot of information on this and the Bible should be used to standardize the extremity.   Remember, to overcome this it all needs your individual effort. Failure to change you will soar in the arena of negative self image, low self esteem and consequently low performance in all your endeavors. 

• There is a group of challenges that come from your exposure. How much information do you have in your mind? What type of information is available in your mind?  How much of that information can you use constructively for the benefit of building your relationship?  How authentic was the source of the information that you have? We have so many people out there who will preach water and drink wine. Their agenda is to destroy what other people are building, they have a terror mind, and they rejoice when others fail or get into problems.  Your friends, teachers, preachers, books and programs that you watch create a field of exposure which influence you greatly. Remember that influence can either be positive or negative. Negative influence will choke the survival of your marriage while positive influence rejuvenates your marriage relationship. We (My wife and I) always like sharing a message with a positive drive after reading a book, watching a movie or through human interaction. Every couple must be willing to learn form those who have experience and knowledge. I would not hesitate to say that you need to filter who instruct you, or rather the source. Knowledge shapes your reasoning, reasoning affects your judgments and judgment dictates your move. If you find yourself on one problem and struggling over one issue, then it means there some information that you are missing. You might need to get to some one who has it and you will be rescued. Do not enjoy a prolonged stagnation.

• There are other challenges that come from the person that you marry. He / she never come free from trouble rather they arrive loaded with trouble, which you must be ready to unravel. It is a complex issue to integrate two people (husband and wife)who in most cases have a wide range of differences, for instance, the difference in their physical make up, their attitude towards different issues, the control power, how extrovert or introvert each is, and of course differences in the level of their intelligence (IQ). You spouse is a person you have not known much about and if there is a distance between your hearts after marriage then you will never know each other. There has to be a willingness to open up to each other. This will remove suspicion and darkness. People feel comfortable with what they know, make yourself known to your spouse. Do not present yourself as a problem to your spouse to contend with, rather make life easier through being simple and present yourself in a way that your spouse can understand you. It is good to take time to undo yourself to your spouse if at all you want an easy go. What offends you most, what do you like and hate and why. Do not just say, “I do not like Ugali when you wife has cooked it with all diligence”. Explain yourself out and without unrealistic demands. After you have taken the podium and have explained it, sit a side and listen your spouse explain his/her self also. You are looking for integration of two complex people. It is selfishness and dictatorial for you to spell out to your spouse all that you expect without giving her a chance to say what she expects.

•  There will be challenges that will come from the systems, e.g. the credit crunch that we have been experiencing currently in the economy. It can stir up trouble within the family. You need to work hard on some personal characteristics and behavior so that your family will not succumb to the pressure exerted. Mind your expenditure and in such hard times ensure that you consult your spouse to avoid undue hurts. The place of work could also cause challenges. Some families lack time together because of work carried home, or work stress carryover. You have to put a boundary between home and work. Some people carry their offices to their homes and they never carry their homes to their offices. That means they can mess up home because of work and never vise versa. It should never happen. You should never allow any system to destroy your home under any cost.
•  

Think about the power of globalization, things that would have taken ages to reach us they are now a click of a button away from you. The influence of technology has a couple of challenges to a marriage. One, it can steal the time that should be utilized for the benefit of the family. Think about the amount of time spent watching television in your family. Is there any substantial learning or could replacement with other forms of learning be a better option? How much time does the wife or husband use on television? Are there common programs that you can watch as a family so that all of you can participate? Are there programs that you need to stop watching to create time for your spouse and children? Creating time for your spouse might include helping him or her to do certain tasks in the house. The level of selfishness has been great sometimes with men failing to help in house chores but becoming active in the bedroom. I believe there is something that you can do ranging from home work supervision, story telling, serving,  roasting meat, maintenance, family altar, or preparing the last cup of tea just to mention a few. The bedroom activity is sweeter and sensible if there was activity in the sitting room.

 Conclusion

You are entitled to a better marriage. However, you have to use the right formula. You to get the right key for marriage which will open the door of understanding, love, trust and intimacy. Remember this is not optional. If at all you desire to enjoy the man or

woman in your life then you need to set your energy and focus on your marriage. It is of no use to keep complaining when you have refused to follow the formula. Some comfort will never come without serious commitment and follow up. Work has to be done

to produce sweetness. You will discover that there is nothing of value that will cost you less and actually, anything that cost you nothing is worthy nothing. People neglect their marriages and still expect to reap benefit from them. That is too much of an

expectation!

Men have refused to engage in dialogue to resolve problems and still expect that women will be submissive just because the bible commands them. They have refused to be available to their children and still expect them to behave all right. Men have left their wives to do all the parenting work ignoring their father figure and authority which is necessary for their children. Boys have a lot to learn from their dads and therefore dads must deliberately be available.  Women have shown disrespect to their husbands and wonder why their daughters are becoming rebellious. Rebellion breeds rebellion. Spouses cheat on each other and expect their Children to keep their virginity. Life is very faithful in following the principle of sowing and reaping. Whatever you sow the same you shall reap. I have come to like a statement, which is commonly used by Barclays bank, it says, “money does not grow on trees”. I would like to change the money word and replace it with any other quality that families want to experience in their relationship. E.g., Love doe not grow on trees; this means that the two of you in marriage have to cultivate for it.

Couples have to go an extra mile to grow or cultivate love in their relationship. It is quite awful to be in a relationship without love. Love is a day-to-day quality that couples need to develop and acquire. Remember love is like the manna that Israelites ate in the wilderness, it cannot be stored. You have to give it quickly to your spouse and children. The amount of love that you have will be measured by the people who experience it. If you think that you love your spouse or children then give them practical love, in love and in deed.

Remember to watch family rebuild TV program every Thursday at 7.30pm, on Faith Channel which is Sky digital channel 593. If you need any further information on marriage and family please contact family rebuild through, familyrebuild@yahoo.co.uk. More materials could  be found on www.familyrebuild.org. We are praying for you please keep praying for us.

Parental Responsibility—Part 2

London, 3rd October, 2008

5) Love is the most important need for all children.

It is also an important part of positive discipline. Love should be well demonstrated towards our children through the way we treat them.  Do we ever appreciate them when they do as requested? Appreciation does not mean buying them something, it means quick response to identify, for instance, if they have dressed their beds and then you recognize that effort through speaking. E.g. “you have dressed your bed so well today”, thank you. If possible, give them a hug or a little kiss. Learn to encourage your child when he/she performs something out of his/her own initiative or ability to follow your instructions. By doing this, you are closing the gap between you, them, and their antennae will start detecting some signal of parental love. People respond to love no matter how hard they are. Most of us especially those whose origin is not the west are slow to say, ‘I love you’ even to their spouses. This kind of attitude has far reaching negative effects within a relationship. It is good if parents would learn to tell their children how much they love them at least once a day. I know many people might not be there yet but start, try and try again. Remember parental love should be that sacrificial love that is not measured by what they do; rather it is love because these are your children. Love builds confidence, lifts self-esteem, and gives booster energy to do the right thing. For those married remember it is very unkind for you to love your children and hate their mother or their father. Therefore, if there is any excuse for this please seek help quickly for there is some element of malfunctionality in your relationship. For the lone parents remember your commitment is to God and to your child. I would like to say love is not being extravagant or being careless with your resources to the point of bribing your children through buying them stuff. Do not neglect your child and then for cover up you buy him something valuable, allow him to watch TV across the night, or give him excessive freedom. If you do that you will be ruining him not because you love him but because you do not care and are less concerned of his/her welfare,

6) Listen carefully to what your child is telling you and then respond.

Listening is a skill that most parents lack. There is a tendency of parents ignoring their children and demand tight lips whenever they try to express their opinion. Parents should utilize such an excellent opportunity to correct them when they talk. Listen as they express themselves and be interested with their stories. You will be able to understand how their day was and what kind of friendship they are developing. It is through talking that you will pinpoint foul language used or disrespectable comments. If you fail to listen to them, they will become attention seekers somewhere else. Children need a listening ear for at times they face challenging situations in school or outside there. They may end up opening up and telling you their fears just because you are interested and not judging them on the onset. If you fail to listen to them when they are small, they may close up to you when they become teenagers or young adults. Remember teenagers have many people who can listen to them without your consent. Therefore, do not send them to those teams by refusing to listen to them. They need guidance on their body development; do not assume that biology teachers will tell them everything. Yes, they will tell them a bit but there is your portion to add, correct and add a warning. Teachers will teach 9 year old children about sex as they learn how babies are formed. Parents have a role to play in putting the boundaries which the teachers will have failed to. Parents remember condoms are free in schools and if you do not listen and answer the questions that your child has, somebody else may answer them. Information is power, lack of it is dangerous but possession of wrong information is catastrophic. It is like suicide bombers who blow themselves and leave their leaders hiding in caves for fear of death. Let your children get the right information, with you being one of the main channels and filter.

7) Limits have to be set, even in the most loving and listening relationships.

Part of being a parent is creating boundaries (spare the rod spoils the child). Children are born with brains, which develop through discipline. They cannot be left on their own. They need a lot of help and control. The world is so volatile, violent, deceiving, and confusing. Children’s brains are like an open container that is waiting for some input. The world has floating materials on pornography, crimes, drugs, robbery and abortion all spread on newspapers, internet, mobile phones, televisions, and in books. Your child does not have to go outside you house in order to get the wrong information and be intoxicated. The substance is already in your house. The advertisement has strong power and of course, they mostly target those below 35 years of age. Weekend parties are becoming popular with the young people where they are using technology in full swing to mobilize a big group. The disadvantage is there is nobody to censure the motives of those attending the party or the activities involved. Some teenagers killed in London through the current knife and gang crimes were in either a party, or coming out of a party. It is the parent's mandate to put limits and boundaries for the benefit of their children's welfare.

Probably some of us have watched the ‘super nanny’ program on the television. A number of times the kids are violent, uncontrollable, displaying every bit of tantrum, and at times even hitting their very parents.  So far, for the few programs that I have chanced to watch, I have never seen a magician or miracle worker in the name of the super nanny. However, I have seen the nanny put boundaries and remain consistent to her word. Most of the time by the end of her few days follow up the family becomes normal. Parents have the ability and capacity to do it and I urge you not to wait for the super nanny to create order in your family, your children might grow big before she arrives. Unfortunately, they will have matured irresponsibly because of a failing parent. This does not mean that you will draw a square and expect the children to remain in it as though bonded on super glue. No! No! Children know very well how to test boundaries. They will surely test them. It does not matter how tough you are, boundaries will be tested. If they are tested, it is good that at least somebody reached there, therefore take time to reinforce them with all seriousness.

Finally, children will settle down when they discover that you were not joking. Those of us who were privileged to school when canning was in place, and when the school attendance was early in the morning before dew dropped, you never dared to be late in the week when a certain teacher was on duty. Why was this case? Because you knew that, he/ she cared less except that you are in class on time for morning prep.  Other times we could dodge the old teachers, tell them a white lie or pass them at a lightening speed and they accepted it. Why was it like so? They were less concerned whether you were early or late after all their children were already past primary school. What are you doing with your children? Remember to set the boundaries, involve the kids in setting them so that you can explain why and the consequences, and then be firm and consistent.

Please let your friends know of this column. It is created for the sake of helping our families. Remember to watch family rebuild program on Thursdays at 7.30pm on Faith Channel sky 593. More materials are available on www.familyrebuild.org. Please for any question regarding the material written down or any other family issue write to us on; familyrebuild@yahoo.co.uk or call family rebuild on 08450523757. Next, we will be talking on the harm of sexual sin within our lives and families.

Parental Responsibility—Part 1

Londo, 28th September, 2008

This weeks and part of next week, we will focus on aspects of parenting. The world is becoming hostile at the tick of the clock and our children are growing bigger proportionately. The role of parents in the lives of their children has never been wanting as it is now. We are facing bad news all the times reflecting that parenting need I believe that parents are touched when they see or hear news with messages like, ‘The number of teenagers to die a violent death in Britain's capital hit a grim new high following the stabbing of a young man outside a tower block. Craig Marshall, 19, of Hanbury Road, Acton, west London, died in hospital after being attacked near Rufford Tower on Lexden Road, Acton. The incident brings the number of teenagers killed on London's streets in 2008 to 27, up from the 26 investigated by the Metropolitan Police during the whole of last year’ (Press Assoc. - Saturday, September 27 06:31 am).  There is a likely that parents will internalise some form of defeat upon such sad news. This defeat might tell you that you are a victim of failure in government or system. I am of the opinion that the government has to do some thing major but without the parents taking their very responsibilities. I believe that parents have a very central role in shaping and influencing the behaviour of their children.  If our children are to experience a future with a difference and hope then the parents must get to the roots, be friendly, be tough and be visionary. I will discuss about ten items between now and next week and I invite all of you parents and potential parents to join the band wagon and lets us make a visible change in our children because we care.

1) Praise and encourage your child.

• Expect them to behave well and encourage all their efforts. Every human being responds to praise. Let not your children settle for less. Keep encouraging them for many are the discouragements that they receive. Parents need to be closer to their children to know how they are performing in school, college and even at the university. It is good for parents to be there to offer positive support so that the child’s energy to do more will rebuild. I am not convinced that we are not in the era of jealousy and discrimination. Your children need a lot of parting on the back, motivation and cheering if he has to overcome the barrier that put a head of his achievement path.
• Praise the good behavior and try to ignore the bad. Even the vilest criminal if you start praising him his face will starting brightening up, smiles will get on its mark ready for a go, and inner reflection will start. Not withstanding that if he was quiet, speech will come out forth. Parents need to learn to recognize when their achieve something no matter how small. They may not be receiving enough praise form elsewhere.

2) Sow a seed of respect in your children.

• Involve them in decisions, especially if something affects them; listen to their point of view. If you think their decision is not good please do not just push it aside rather explain to them. Through this way, you will be correcting them and sharpening their skills in decision-making.

• If you were tempted to say something hurtful, think how it would sound if you said it to an adult. It will be easier to correct your children on a behaviour they have never seen with you. Do not be rude in your speech and expect them to be very good. If they do not use those words in your presence, they will use them in your absence and the effect is worse. Those who hear them will wonder who the parent was.

• Apologize if you sometimes get things wrong. Parents and other adults are not angelic in spices but very human as their children. They are prone to weakness and failure though they portray to their children a different picture. We must remove this mask and be ready to say sorry to our children if we offend them. They like any other human beings have feelings. Do not hide under your authority because they will know it and soon you will find it with your older child treating the younger sister or brother in the same way. Children learn through imitation.

3) Families should have routines

• Young children feel more secure and having clear pattern of their day will avoid undue conflict with parents. Not many of the youngsters have developed a personal drive or initiative for forward move. In class if they finish a task the young people are likely to say, Miss, I have finished. What do I do now? If a teacher does not have extended work then the youngster will become idle, bored and start a negative engagement. The same applies at home.

• They feel happier with regular meal times, bed times, or times for noisy play. It is good also to give them some times off the routine but not for much extended period. Take for instance if you went off the routine for the whole of summer holidays, there are chances that your child will have become lax in many areas and may show some decline in performance, behaviour or health.

• Once you decide on your family rules, be consistent. Do not bend easily for you will create a loophole. Let your children learn to follow rules at home. Remember rules does not mean silent, sweating and struggling on an activity as under siege by some military forces. It may include time for personal initiative. Let the youngster do their own things, as long they are acceptable and safe.

• It can be very confusing for children if you enforce a rule one day, then let it go the next. Consistency is very important and it builds the character of a child. If you fail the consistency test you will be failing is standards. Your children will know how to maneuver you and they will be on the steering. Good routines are the backbone of good standards. A philosophical statement states that ‘You become what you frequently do’. Modern parents are so loose and still expect the children to be good, safe and performing. Take time and ask your self some questions; 1) what time do your teenagers come back home in the evening?  2) Are they always out in parties clubbing?  3) Do they ever take time to study at home? 4) Are they always chatting on the internet? 5) What values are they getting inclined to? I have not said that parents will succeed in policing their children, no, no, no! The truth of the matter is that young people need guidance and some level of supervision if not surveillance. It is a great catastrophe to assume that they are mature simply because they have celebrated their 16th birthday, or are earning some young adult wage. Parents should be consistently and persistently involved in the lives of their children until the attain a stand on their own.

• Incase you are going out you must explain it to them that the rules will apply but in a different context. E.g., what rules do you apply at home about the internet? Do you relax them just because you have gone visiting a friend? Your child may use your friend’s computer but should be aware of the red zones.

4) Parents need to bring fun and laughter to their children.

• Sometimes parents get so serious that children can only get fun from the TV. Parents should be friendly in that they can cause laughter through jokes and play time. I might not have received them when I was growing yet experience and learning have taught me their importance in the development of a child. Take time to laugh with your children. Children see funny spots faster than adults do and you need not be blind on this and especially if you are doing a common activity.

• If your children are small, you have to get small, if they are teenagers you have to get some degree of teenage taste. (This might have more advantages to you by the way). Briefly try to understand the world of your children. Is it important? Yes it is. Why is it so? Because you will not be so much out of touch, when they talk or when they want to talk to you about their world. You also stand a better chance to correct and warn them of certain consequences that would result from the activities that their world advocate. 

May we remember that we have this responsibility given to us by God and nothing else will replace it? The government has a role to play, the school and the church the same but they are not the parent.  Let me conclude by quoting a scripture form the scriptures, Proverbs 17:6  Children's children are a crown to the aged, and parents are the pride of their children.

Remember to watch family rebuild TV program every Thursday at 7.30pm. On sky digital channel 593 –Faith Channel. You could also get more information in our website www.familyrebuild.org.  If you have any questions regarding this material, please contact us through our website or by writing us an email on familyrebuild@yahoo.co.uk

Family and Prayer

Londo, 21st September, 2008

Family like other ideas preoccupies us full time; or rather, we are preoccupied because of family demands and responsibilities. It is an idea that God initiated to work within the context of human beings, though there other forms of family within the animal kingdom. Designers give a manual to the consumers to make it easy for them to use their equipments. If they are unable to use the product there is a call out number, or contact information in this modern age. In the same manner, God is the designer of the family. For a family to function as intended there is need to refer to the manufacturer’s manual.  Bible is the specification manual that details how the family should function and prayer is the call out number that connects to the designer. There is no call out charges but the benefit is uncountable. A praying family will be unified together because of their faith, trust and hope in unlimited power that is greater than theirs.

People who pray over certain issues will certainly work toward accomplishing them, a thing that minimizes quarrels or disagreement on the same. This means that prayer is a key that can open a door into greatness, it can create an avenue where there was nothing, it calls into existences things that otherwise would never become yours. Prayer also locks. It can dry a stream of trouble that was flowing your way; your family destiny will reshape because of tapping the infinite power of the almighty and channeling it in to your circumstances. If your family becomes a praying family then positive change will trickle in it continuously. These changes will start by affecting yourself and then spontaneously will get to other dear ones within your closet. If you want a change in your family you must be ready to accept it yourself. Many times people see a problem with others without themselves having a personal inner look. This means they struggle with a speck in their spouse’s eye without removing the log in their own eyes. 

You might not be a drunkard but could be having a negative attitude or might disobedient. As you pray for drunkenness to cease in your family start with praying for a change of your negative attitude. I quote one of my statements in family rebuild’ your spouse might only be compatible with a changed you’. Let prayer change as it moves to change others within your family. It is good to pray for our children to become achievers, but as you do pray that, you will not block them through your undesirable character, ignorance, or negligence of your parental role.

In prayer, shifting of blame does not work; you have been called to carry the burden of your family members patiently (without grumbling). If you have ever tried this and gave up, please do a come back or give yourself a restart key. Lets borrow a leaf from general science if not common knowledge, sometimes after germination a crop take sometimes before you enjoy the fruit, though your heart will be anticipating as you see the crop grow.  Prayer is that power that brings germination to seeds of change in the people you are praying for. One principle that is very solid in this area is; never postpone prayers, never give up praying, never ignore prayer. (More on this topic is in my book to be published later in the year). Coming next on this column will be Parental roles. Also, be on the lookout for soon we will be explaining what Family Initiatives Trust is and how you can be involved through it in serving our community.

If you would need more help on this area please be in touch with Rev. Wangaruro on familyrebuild@yahoo.co.uk. For more information about Family rebuilding visit our website www.familyrebuild.org.  Remember also to watch our family rebuild TV program every Thursday 7.30pm on sky channel 593 – Faith channel. (or1.00pm Thursday but only for the next six weeks).

 FAMILY PERSPECTIVES

 Londo, 14th September, 2008

A CALL TO REBUILDING

Family institution is one of the oldest institutions that were established upon the face of the earth. It gives a habitation to all humanity. It began as the first two and then developed to the billions that are and that have ever been. The development of any family starts with a man and a woman getting into a multidimensional relationship through which reproduction is one of the byproducts. There are other byproducts from such a relationship, which can skew negatively or positively depending on the two-nucleus initiator.

A family has begin as a unit and is expected to grow and develop in divers areas namely social, Spiritual, cultural, intellectual, emotional, financial, numerical, and others. These aspects are very important in a family and there is need to develop them positively if we are to reap a fruit of unity. If there is harmony in these dimensions then the troubled institution would be calm and families would enjoy to the full.

Most often people begin a family without much information, skills or ability to develop their relationship in all these areas.  Family is so important that it cannot be left to chances; therefore, there is a dire need to guide, educate and equip people on how to maximize their relationship. There are standards and frame works that any family wishing to enjoy warmth and prosperity needs to follow. Some of these standards are as old as the family and were given by God others are as old as our individual cultures and others are developed progressively by the ruling governments and authorities. God being our creator is supreme to all other authorities and his standard cannot be changed by a convention or a veto by majority votes. Some aspects of most cultures are based on superstitious that are challenged when people know the truth. Nevertheless, there are very strong pillars within cultures that need not be changed or ignored. Governments do not follow the same standard depending on their value system and how much godless they are and the impact of globalized evil. Family guidelines that will guarantee stability must be established on the supreme authority given unto men, which is the word of God.

It is very clear that if families are established and brought up within the boundaries of present day culture, and governments without the guidelines from God then there will be a big miss. For example, all the challenges that families are facing today are because of people doing what the culture and governments permit and neglecting what God permits. The following issues would top the list of family challenges facing the family today; - drunkenness, divorce, unfaithfulness, Teenage pregnancy, gang and knife gangs, domestic violence, extravagance, lack of communication, drugs intoxication, and ignorance. In our family clinics, we have a slogan that says that ‘any challenge plus God equals to change’.

Stop wishing for a change in your spouse! Your spouse could be waiting for a changed you to be compatible.    

Challenge plus God Equals Change.    

Remember to watch familyrebuild TV program, every Thursday at 7.30pm on sky 593

Remember to check some few helpful tips on www.familyrebuild.org

Family Rebuild, P.O. Box 859, Dagenham - RM9 9EQ - Tel : 0845 052 3757 - Email : info@familyrebuild.org

GG PART ONE  PART TWO  PART TREE  PART THREE  PART FOUR

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