By Lyzz Ngugi
You know you're living in 2003 when.....
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail your mate who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "0" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards. ....and the real clinchers are...
13 . When you start telling distance in terms of time ie its 2 hours drive
14. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
15. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends".
16. You got this e-mail from a friend that never talks to you any more, except to send you jokes from the net.
17. You are too busy to notice there was no No. 9.
18. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a No.9
This Middle aged man was going through his mid-life crisis so he went out and bought him a new bright red Porsche. So he decided to take his new Porsche on a test drive down the interstate one day.
He got up to about 85 mph and all of a sudden he saw this highway patrolman with his blue lights and siren blaring coming toward him. He decided he and his new Porsche would outrun the officer. So the man sped up to 95 mph,and then to 105 mph, but the patrolman was still coming.
The man finally came to his senses and said to himself, "This is crazy, I could go to jail for this," so he pulled over. The patrolman came to the car and told the man, "It has been a long day and I am tired. If you can give me an excuse no one else has ever given me I will let you go."
So the man told the officer, "Last night my wife ran off with a patrolman and when I seen you chasing me I thought you were trying to bring her back." The officer looked at the man and said, "Have a nice day."
Day's Joke
A college professor, who was previously a sailor,
was aware that ships are addressed as `she` & `her`.
He
wondered to which gender computers should "belong".
To answer that question, he set up two groups of
computer experts.
The first group was comprised of women, and the
second of men. Each group was asked to recommend
whether computers should be referred to in the
feminine gender, or the masculine gender. They were
asked
to give 4 reasons for their recommendation.
The group of women reported that the computers
should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time
they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had
waited a little longer you could have had a better model.
The men on the other hand concluded that computers should be referred to
in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers
is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later
retrieve.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your pay check on accessories for it.
From Christy
LOVE YOUR MOTHER
When you came into the world, she held you in her
arms. You thanked her by wailing like a banshee.
When you were 1 year old, she fed you and bathed you.
You thanked her by crying all night long.
When you were 2 years old, she taught you to walk. You
thanked her by running away when she called.
When you were 3 years old, she made all your meals
with love. You thanked her by tossing your plate on
the floor.
When you were 4 years old, she gave you some crayons.
You thanked her by coloring the dining room table.
When you were 5 years old, she dressed you for the
holidays. You thanked her by plopping into the nearest
pile of mud.
When you were 6 years old, she walked you to school.
You thanked her by screaming, "I'M NOT GOING!"
When you were 7 years old, she bought you a baseball.
You thanked her by throwing it through the
next-door-neighbor's
window.
When you were 8 years old, she handed you an ice
cream. You thanked her by
dripping it all over your lap.
When you were 9 years old, she paid for piano lessons.
You thanked her by never even bothering to practice.
When you were 10 years old, she drove you all day,
from soccer to gymnastics to one birthday party after
another. You
thanked her by jumping out of the car and never
looking back.
When you were 11 years old, she took you and your
friends to the movies. You thanked her by asking her
to sit in a
different row.
When you were 12 years old, she warned you not to
watch certain TV shows. You thanked her by waiting
until she left the
house.
Those Teenage Years
When you were 13, she suggested a haircut that was
becoming. You thanked
her by telling her she had no taste.
When you were 14, she paid for a month away at summer
camp. You thanked her by forgetting to write a single
letter.
When you were 15, she came home from work, looking for
a hug. You thanked her by having your bedroom door
locked.
When you were 16, she taught you how to drive her car.
You thanked her by taking it every chance you could.
When you were 17, she was expecting an important call.
You thanked her by being on the phone all night.
When you were 18, she cried at your high school
graduation. You thanked her
by staying out partying until dawn.
Growing Old and Gray
When you were 19, she paid for your college tuition,
drove you to campus, carried your bags. You thanked
her by saying
good-bye outside the dorm so you wouldn't be
embarrassed in front of your friends.
When you were 20, she asked whether you were seeing
anyone. You thanked her by saying, "It's none of your
business."
When you were 21, she suggested certain careers for
your future. You thanked her by saying, "I don't want
to be like
you."
When you were 22, she hugged you at your college
graduation. You thanked her by asking whether she
could pay for a trip
to Europe.
When you were 23, she gave you furniture for your
first apartment. You thanked her by telling your
friends it was ugly.
When you were 24, she met your fianci and asked about
your plans for the future. You thanked her by glaring
and
growling, "Muuhh-ther, please!"
When you were 25, she helped to pay for your wedding,
and she cried and told you how deeply she loved you.
You thanked
her by moving halfway across the country.
When you were 30, she called with some advice on the
baby. You thanked her by telling her, "Things are
different now."
When you were 40, she called to remind you of a
relative's birthday. You thanked her by saying you
were "really busy
right now."
When you were 50, she fell ill and needed you to take
care of her. You thanked her by reading about the
burden parents
become to their children.
And then, one day, she quietly died. And everything
you never did came crashing down like thunder. "Rock
me
baby, rock me all night long." The hand who rocks the
cradle ... may rock the world".
Let us take a moment of the time just to pay tribute
and show appreciation to the person called MOM though
some may
not say it openly to their mother. There's no
substitute for her. Cherish every single moment.
Though at times she may not
be the best of friends, may not agree to our thoughts,
she is still your mother!!!
Your mother will be there for you; to listen to your
woes, your bragging, your frustrations, etc. Ask
yourself "Have you
put aside enough time for her, to listen to her
"blues" of working in the kitchen, her tiredness???"
Be tactful, loving and still show her due respect,
though you may have a different view from hers. Once
gone, only fond
memories of the past and also regrets will be left.
DO NOT TAKE FOR GRANTED THE THINGS CLOSEST TO YOUR
HEART. LOVE HER MORE THAN YOU LOVE
YOURSELF. LIFE IS MEANINGLESS WITHOUT HER.
Why is it ......
Why is it so hard to tell the truth but
Yet so easy to tell a lie?
Why are we so sleepy in church but
Right when the sermon is over we suddenly wake up?
Why is it so hard to talk about God but yet so
Easy to talk about nasty stuff?
Why is it so boring to look at a Christian magazine
But yet so easy to look at a nasty one?
Why is it so easy to delete a Godly e-mail but
Yet we forward all of the nasty ones?
Why are the churches getting smaller but yet
The bars and dance clubs are getting larger?
Do you give up? Think about it ..
Are you going to forward this, or delete it?
Just remember-God is watching you.
Prayer Wheel-Let's see the devil stop this one!
Here's what the wheel is all about.
When you receive this, say a prayer for
the person that sent it to you....
That's all you have to do....
There is nothing attached....
This is so powerful....
Just e-mail this to seven people and watch God's
answer to prayer work in your life. Do not stop the
wheel, please....
Of all the free gifts we may receive, Prayer is the
very best one.
There are no costs, but wonderful rewards...
may your day be filled with joy &
laughter
There are two days in every week about which we should
not worry, two days which should be kept free from
fear and apprehension.
One of these days is Yesterday??
With all its mistakes and cares, its faults and
blunders, its aches and pains. Yesterday has passed
forever beyond our control. All the money in the world
cannot bring back yesterday. We cannot undo a single
act we performed; we cannot erase a single word we
said.
Yesterday is gone forever. Hopefully you learned
something.
The other day we should not worry about is Tomorrow??
With all its possible adversities, its burdens, its
large promise and its poor performance. Tomorrow is
also beyond our immediate control. Tomorrow's sun
will rise, either in splendour or behind a mask of
clouds, but it will rise. Until it does, we have no
stake in tomorrow, for it is yet to be born.
Hopefully you will learn something.
This leaves only one day, Today.
Any person can fight the battle of just one day. it is
when you and I add the burdens of those two awful
eternities, yesterday and Tomorrow, that we breakdown.
It is not the experience of Today that drives you mad,
it is the remorse of bitterness of something which
happened Yesterday and the dread of what Tomorrow may
bring.
Therefore, seize Today. Use what you have learned from
Yesterday, remember what you hope for Tomorrow, and
make Today the best possible day. Today only comes
once.
Have a great day.
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Mean mom
For those of you that are mean moms.
Learn this off by heart!!! This is just too good
not to share ......
Was your Mom mean? I know mine was. We had the
meanest mother in the whole
world! While other kids ate cakes and biscuits
for breakfast, we had to
have porridge, tea and bread. When other kids
had a fruit cordial and a
cake for lunch, we had to eat rice and
vegetables . And you can guess our
mother fixed us a dinner that was different from
what other kids had, too.
Mother insisted on knowing where we were all the
times. You'd think we
were convicts in a prison. She had to know whom
our friends were, the
estate where they lived, and what we were doing
with them. She insisted
that if we said we would be gone for an hour, we
would be gone for an
hour; we would be gone for an hour or less.
We were ashamed to admit it, but she had the
nerve to break the Child
Labour Laws by making us work. We had to wash
the dishes, make the beds,
learn to cook, scrub the floors, do laundry, and
all sorts of cruel jobs.
I think she would lie awake at night thinking of
more things for us to do.
She always insisted on us telling the truth, the
whole truth, and nothing
but the truth.
By the time we were teenagers she could read our
minds. Then, life was
really tough! Mother wouldn't let our friend's
just ring the bell and wait
outside the gate. They had to come up to the
door so she could meet them.
While everyone else could date when they were 12
or 13, we had to wait
until we were 21.
Because of our mother we missed out on a lot of
things other kids
experienced. None of us have ever been caught
shoplifting, vandalizing
other's property or even arrested for any crime.
It was all her fault. We
never got drunk, took up smoking, stayed out all
night.
Now that we have left home, we are all educated,
honest adults. We are
doing our best to be mean parents just like Mom
was. I think that is what
is wrong with the world today. It just doesn't
have enough mean moms
anymore.
PASS THIS ON TO ALL THE MEAN MOTHERS YOU KNOW!!!!!
IF YOU ARE NOT ONE PLEASE DO YOUR KIDS A FAVOUR
THEY WILL THANK YOU FOREVER!!!!!
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SPECIAL SAUCE
(Author known only to God)
I was sitting at the drive-through window at
McDonald's this weekend
(Ok, I eat out a lot). I did the usual thing, I drove
up to the menu and ordered. I proceeded to the first
window and paid, then drove to the second window and
waited for the order. After sitting there for a few
minutes, the clerk slid back the window and asked,
"Will you please pull over to the side; your order is
not ready."
I was a little upset and even impatient, but I pulled
over and waited. I thought, "How come other folks
ordered and drove straight through and I have to
wait." I waited for another two or three minutes. It
seemed like hours before the clerk finally ran out,
tapped on the window, and handed me the order.
Of course I asked, "Hey, what took so long?" She
replied, "You wanted the Special Sauce, which meant it
had to be especially made for that sandwich, it
doesn't usually come with that one.
This scene is a reflection of our prayer life. We make
our request to the Lord. Our menu is His Word, where
He has listed promise after promise. We stand before
Him and request and plead and, sometimes, even beg. We
go to the first window and pay, sometimes with fervent
prayer, sometimes with prolonged suffering, sometimes
with obedience, and sometimes not at all.
We then move to the second window and wait for our
order. If God doesn't answer within a few minutes, we
become upset. You know the phrase,
"Jesus, it's 5:00 p.m. Friday; I prayed to You
yesterday, and You still haven't answered. I can't
wait much longer."
Why is it taking Him so long? I've seen people drive
up before me and they received their orders right
away! We even go so far as to tap on the window and
ask if He has forgotten our order. We become
impatient.
We become upset. We become downright mad.
Lord I asked for a mate ten days ago and I don't see
him/her anywhere.
Lord, I've been asking for a new job for two years;
others have passed me by.
I've been waiting on a financial blessing for ten
years and I still have more months than money.
Where are You and why haven't you blessed me?
And just when you think He is giving you the answer,
He pulls back the royal curtain of Eternity, and
states, "Please pull over to the side and wait a while
longer."
This once frustrated me to no end, made me mad, made
me want to give up, made me want to holler; that is,
until the clerk brought out my sandwich. Then, the
revelation became clear.
Do you know why the Lord has put you on the side? Do
you know why you have had to wait for this blessing
longer than before? Do you know why?
He has put you through more this time than ever? Do
you know why it seems as though He has not heard you
and He does not care? Do you know why it seems like
you have had to go through more tears, more pains, and
more struggling this time?
Because this blessing is a Special Sauce Blessing!
This is an Overflowing, Pressed-Down, Shaken Together,
Blessing!
You made a Special Order and God has been putting
together a Special
Sauce Blessing for you and He has to prepare it for you!
That mate you wanted . . . He's putting together a
Special Sauce!
That job you wanted . . . He's putting together a
Special Sauce!
That financial blessing . . . He's putting together a
Special Sauce!
That peace on the job . . . He's putting together a
Special Sauce!
That house . . . He's putting together a Special
Sauce!
That deeper anointing . . . He's putting together a
Special Sauce!
That promotion . . . He's putting together a Special Sauce!
For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says
the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give
you an expected end... [and a Special Sauce]. Jeremiah
29:11
How many people have driven away before the clerk
brought their food, and how many people have missed
their blessings because they did not wait?
Hang on there. Keep on waiting. You made a Special
Order, now wait on
God's Special Sauce!
But they that wait on the Lord shall renew their
strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles;
they shall run and not be weary, and they shall walk,
and not faint. (Isaiah 40:31)
They who wait shall receive a Special Sauce!
THANK YOU LORD!!
HAVE YOU SAID IT TODAY??
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Learner's Permit
A young boy had just got his driver's permit and inquired of his father, an
evangelist, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to
the study and said to the boy, "I'll make a deal with you, son. You bring
your grades up from a C to a B-average, study your Bible a little, and get
your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."
Well, the boy thought about that for a moment and decided that he'd best
settle for the offer, and they agreed. After about six weeks the boy came
back and again asked his father about the car.
Again, they went to the study where his father said, "Son, I've been real
proud of you. You've brought your grades up, and I've observed that you've
been studying your Bible and participating a lot more in the Bible study
class on Sunday morning. But I'm real disappointed since you haven't got
your hair cut."
The young man paused a moment and then said, "You know dad, I've been
thinking about that and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson
had long hair, Moses had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, and
there's even strong argument that Jesus himself had long hair his father
replied, "You're right, son. Did you also notice that they all WALKED
everywhere they went?"
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